My h had an affair and the other woman became pregnant. She is going to have the baby and does not have contact with my husband at all. She moved away. <P>First of all, when I found out I was destroyed (and I guess I still am). I decided after a while that I wanted to stay with him, but I find myself needing to know the woman's name. My h told me that he is not going to tell me because he is protecting the child. <P>I would never do anything to hurt the child or the other woman. The peace I need to find is for myself and within myself. The two unwilling parties here are me and the child. The child is being protected (from what, I'm not sure), but what about my feelings. <P>I think the reason I need to know her name is because somehow it will help me feel like there aren't any secrets and it also will help me feel safe against being hurt by this later because I didn't know. <P>I wish my h would talk to me about the affair and we could be open and honest about our feelings about it. I just want to be able to move on without any more secrets. I feel like somehow the woman and my h have this common bond and now it is a secret between us. This child could haunt me later by wanting to know his father and I want to be prepared for that. <P>My real question is how much information about the affair should I need to know? Does it make any sense that I want to know her name? Since I decided to stay in this relationship, should I be able to go on and not know her name? <P>Does anyone have answers?<p>[This message has been edited by LynnAK01 (edited September 24, 1999).]

I think you have every right to know the details. Maybe he can't give them to you right away but you deserve to know. Since there is a child involved, I see no reason as to why he can't tell you her name. Try talking to him and let him know that these are things you both need to discuss. Especially if he is considering being involved in the child's life.<P>------------------<BR>

In a book called "After the Affair" it states that you have the right to have all your questions answered by him as truthfully as possible. I believe in this because there is no reason in the world for him to not answer you. If he believes in you as you say he does then he should realize that there is no way you would ever take it out on the child. Just remember that for every question you do ask you may be hurting yourself. My H didn't tell me anything after the affair until I had him read this book. Then he realized that I might be conjuring up all kinds of "worse case" scenario's and he was better off trying to be as honest and forthcoming as possible. You deserve to know all you want but remember to weigh the question's on your mind and ask yourself what good is it for you to have this information, will it change anything or will it hurt you in the long run? God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Just wanted to bring this to the top because I'm hoping for a response. I'm just wondering how much should we really need to know about our spouse's affair. Maybe I'm just feeling like I have to protect myself from future pain or at least feel a little more informed before it happens. <P>Any ideas or experience you can share?

I'm so sorry to here your pain.<P>My H first didn't tell any details other than length of time (5 weeks), that upon knowing her he no longer found her attractive or had emotional ties, and that it was over. A little bit more came out mostly from me snooping and discovering his paper trail.<P>I discovered his affair Jan 8 and I still do not know her name. I never directly asked because I have the feeling he wouldn't tell me and that would hurt my feelings. <P>I am planning a talk with him to get closure on a few items because it is time to put it behind me and there are a few questions (relatively minor, but that I can't seem to stop thinking about) that I need answers in order to process and hopefully shelf in my brain. Every detail I did learn helped me I don't dwell on anything I know, which leads me to believe that I do need these answers to release them from my mind although they truly are not relative to my life today.<P>I have been thinking if I need to know her name...I know I could find her if I really wanted to...so that is one detail I'm not sure I want to know. It may make her more real. In your case, because of the child, she is real, so I completely understand.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks for the response. It really does feel good to know that someone else feels the things I feel. I know that I have to make sure I'm not reacting out of shock and asking my H to tell me things that (had I given it some time) I might not have wanted to know. I just don't want to drag my "finding peace" time out for years either. <P>I really do think the idea of recreational companions make sense. My H and I stopped having fun together a long time ago and I think it's time we get back to it, but I have to get to a point (with information from him) that I can move on. <P>It always amazes me when people say that their spouse has become boring or argumentative. Well, OF COURSE!! How can a person be fun and playful, when he/she has all of these unresolved things going on in his/her mind and heart? A new lover with no strings is hard to compete with in the "having fun" area. <P>I don't know that my H will ever tell me her name. I too can probably find out her name, but it would mean more if I didn't have to sneak around to find out, ya know? I'm kind of afraid of who it might be since he doesn't want me to know so much.<P>I'm really concerned and hurt when I think about the words he used "I'm protecting the child". Maybe he means that he doesn't want the child to find out that he was conceived during an affair. <P>Kind of random thoughts that jumped around, but I hope you can make sense out of it.

Hi Lynn,<P>I personally think your husband should answer any question you ask him. He shouldn't hide anything else from you. It's the only way he can regain your trust. Does he really want to heal the marriage? If so, then it's time to step up!<P>As far as how much you should know... I think that's different for everyone. Some people don't want to know all the gory details, but others need to know everything, including sexual positions, where they ate lunch, everything! There's no hard-fast rule on what is too much information or not enough information. <P>The important thing that your husband has to see at some point is that truth is the important thing to you, and whenever you ask him something, whatever the question is, he should endevour to give an honest and truthful answer.<P>My initial thought about your husband's excuse of "protecting the child" is just that, an excuse. I think what he really wants is to protect the OW. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I kinda know what goes on in the head of a betrayer (being one myself), so I sorta wonder about that.<P>--andy

<BR>Oh, wow. This is a hot topic for me.<P>What is it with betrayers that won't answer questions?<P>I too had a huge need to know the OM's name. It gnawed at me for some reason until I figured it out. (The internet is a wonderful thing-sometimes!) You cannot imagine the relief I've had since I discovered who he was. Now I know that we're all on a level playing field. If I wanted to, I could create the same havoc in his life that he caused in mine, simply with one phone call to his wife. I haven't done that, and after having thought about it I probably won't unless something unforseen happens (like I discover that the affair isn't over). But I agree with the general sentiment here - if they aren't willing to answer every question openly and honestly without witholding and deceiving, they aren't quite ready to work on repairing and healing. I'm hopeful that as I conquer some lovebusters and my wife feels safer, she'll be more forthcoming about the answers to my questions. <P>InSane<BR>

Thanks Insane and Andy. It's nice to hear things from a different perspective. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by staying because of two reasons:<BR>-I'm not certain he has committed himself to recovery or healing.<BR>-I'm just not sure I can go through it with the child out there. <P>Sometimes I don't feel like I have a place in his life now that he has a child with someone else. That's why it is so important that my questions are answered. So I can put them on a shelf in my mind and try to move on.

Lynn,<P>How long has it been since the affair was broken off? Do you think your husband is still going through withdrawal? If so, then it will be very difficult for him to feel that "commitment" to the marriage. But withdrawal goes away with time. And also, answering questions gets easier with time as well. As the affair gets more distant in his mind, he won't have such a hard time opening up. Well, that was my experience anyway...<P>--andy

Andy,<BR>My situations is a little different. My husband and I have been in different countries for 10 months now because of our job. We saw each other in May 99 for 18 days and filed for divorce. (we decided not to go to court and finish it) As far as I know, the affair only lasted 2 weeks in Jan 99, but I can't be certain that is the truth. I think the girl moved away around June or July after she got pregnant. He says she told him that she didn't want anything to do with him because he wanted to stay with me and they haven't contacted each other. <P>I believe my H just wants me to forgive and forget without ever talking about it and I'm having a very difficult time doing that. I love him and we are getting ready to be back together in Dec so it's kind of a new start away from everything that is so painfully familiar. I don't want to push too hard for him to open up, but I'm afraid he will never tell me. I like to deal with things as soon as possible and try to move on and he just likes to move on. That hasn't worked for us thus far so I'm hoping he will try the other route. He has a very very very hard time communicating about feelings. I think sometimes I'm going to explode because I feel like I'm talking to myself and there is never resolution to anything. <P>For all I know he could be doing the same thing now. He says he's not and that is the last thing he wants to do, but sometimes things don't add up. The emails usually stop on Thursday and don't start again until Tuesday. I'm trying to be patient, but I feel like such a fool sometimes. I haven't been with anyone else since we married and I guess it's kind of hard for me to understand why he can't do the same. My emotional needs have not been met for a long time and the love bank is almost empty, but I just don't think an affair is the answer. I don't do it because I couldn't live with it.<P>He has told me that if the tables were turned he would not be with me anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about that because I feel like a fool for staying and I wouldn't expect him to stay if I did have an affair. <P>Going on and on again...thanks for listening. This has been a big help for me. I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Lynn,<P>Well, some men just never like to talk about stuff. It's really too bad cuz for alot of women one of their main emotional needs is conversation, and one of the other ones is honesty and openness... So I completely sympathize with your plight.<P>Have you told your husband about this website? If not, you should. He should be introduced to the concept of a love bank and emotional needs and love-busters, etc. Maybe you should buy the book "His Needs Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair"... We got both of those.<P>So far I've read His Needs Her Needs, and I'm about to start the other one. I don't agree with everything Dr. Harley said, but I do agree with one thing -- if you can do something to make your spouse happy, then why not do it? What's the real price you pay, if in the long run you're happy? Hopefully you're husband can see this someday.<P>--andy