If Mimi catches wind of this, I'll be 2X4ed for sure....I am not the Goddess I am supposed to be. Should be in Plan B, but remain in Plan A which is enabling the A I'm sure. Brief synopsis before I pose my question. WH (38) and I have been together 10yrs, married for 5 and have 2 young boys together, with our step-children - we have a combined head count of 5 kids. OW (19) was our nanny for a year then went to work for WH and A started almost immediately. WH has been out of the house since mid Jan (D-Day was early Nov). Their "R" has been very high school....on/off, drama, she was a boyfriend that became her fiancee in March (and no, it did not stop the A). A had been EA/PA first few months, since mid March/early April only EA. WH has always been a private guy, but trusts me with thoughts and feelings, so recently he's given me more info on the A and feelings regarding OW.

Here's the question. Although he still loves me, he says what he feels for her he's never felt before for anyone. I have SAA and it does say that most WS's say they feel that way for the OP. Although it's "real" for the WS, how does it ever go away? Does it ever go away? Will that die after there is complete NC? How do I deal with that? Will I ever measure up to the "grand feelings" she evoked in him???

Let me have it!!

Well, I've been in recovery for nearly a year now. Haven't told my whole story, but FWW had an online EA, nearly left me for OM that she'd never met in person. Intermittent contact post d-day/end of affair. Even after the A was over, it took several months for her attitude/feelings to change for the OM, but they have changed drastically since then.

Yes, those feelings DO fade over time, as long as NC is in place. It can take quite a while...and it's entirely common for the FWS to be completely unable to understand why they felt the way they did once they're finally back to thinking rationally.

Looking back now, she can still see where she was 'in love' with the OM, but she can clearly see how that was not in any sense a 'real love' like she's always felt for me. What your WH is feeling is the thrill of a new relationship, and all of the biological things that go along with it. It's absolutely nothing like the standard feelings of love that go along with a long time established relationship. What he's feeling WILL fade in time...and normally would fade over the course of a year or two even if he were to pursue his R with her.

Read the first few chapters in "The Five Languages of Love" to get an understanding of the difference between what he feels for you, and what he THINKS he feels for her.

Mommyc YES those feelings die with NC. In my Squid's case, in every case I ever read.

NC is the key. If ever those feelings don't pass, NC is almost certainly not in place.

Stay calm, plan A, detach.

Christine:

What's going on? Why do you think I would 2X4 you?

You said it. You are enabling the A? It's your choice if that's what you want to do.

I wanted my H back. It just hurt me too much not to have him. I came to realize that the only way that I could get him back was to take the risk of losing him by doing PLAN B.

Why don't you believe me? He loves me now more than ever because he had to face life without me and he hated that. Until your WH has that opportunity to see what it's like, he will try to hold onto the both of you.

LISTEN TO THIS! The only way his fantasized view of her will fade is when he has to be with her 24/7 and she is all that he has! My FWH says that PLAN B showed him that she was "like any other woman".

Do you get this?

I care. Get back with me.

MommyC,

NO CONTACT!! It has to happen!

There can be no recovery or rebuilding if he is still in contact. He is a fence sitting cake eater.

Plan A does seem to enable the A if there is still contact and he sees it as a way to enjoy both worlds. Plus he is controling the events.

May be time to put your foot down.

k

Mimi,

The thing is, they are not together 24/7, just spend hours on the phone together. "I do, but I don't, I want to but won't, I am but I ain't, I could but I just can't, it feels right, but it's wrong, and I've hurt way too long. So when you ask me if I know what I want...I do, but I don't" was OW's "away" post at work yesterday before she logged off early. Apparently, she's gone to her fiancee's military garduation ceremony in Georgia. Only recently has the cell records indicated 0 calls and about 2 texts between them. WH told me several times within the last week, despite how he feels for her he doesn't want to anymore because the drama is too much. He's getting a promotion at work to VP, as they are being bought out by another company, and almost all personnel will be let go. He says he needs to clear up his persoanl life ASAP so he can focus on his career again. I still get babble-crap about him not being "Mr.Family" guy, he loves me for who I am and our friendship, wants to be a larger part of the boys life by getting better living arrangements so they can spend more time with him, also made mention that he may need to talk with someone. His indication that he may need to have IC is something I never expected from him. In the same breath, he says he doesn't know if OW will ever be out of his life, because they have a "connection".

I told him that I saw it as OW keeping him on a string, when it's convenient for her, he agreed and said that's how he saw it too. That's why he wants to end the romance part, because he can't deal with all the drama and fence-sitting on her part.

I have found a lawyer, made initial contact, but have not sat down to go over a separation agreement.

I don't doubt your advice, but for me it's a great leap of faith.

-Christine

Of course it can fade - just like any other romantic love.

Marital/romantic love is conditional. This is the whole concept behind the love bank.

How to make it fade faster in your case?

Plan B. Force the "conditional" conditions to be met from only one bank.

I assume you've exposed the affair - especially to OW's fiance, right? If for some crazy reason you haven't, do it now and perhaps Plan B can be avoided.

Maybe, we as BSes, get in "the fog". Listen to yourself:



This is your husband. It is never, ever, ever OK for him to spend hours on the phone with another woman!! There is never any excuse for this. If not an PA, this certainly is an EA. Actually, this can be worse because he has a fantasized image of her which it easy for her to maintain this way.


How awful! He has this wonderful image of young woman that is betraying her supposed fiancee who has been laboring in the hot sun in Ga. to learn how to protect his country. I would make sure to let him know what has been going on if I were you!! That would probably put your WH in danger of being hurt, though.

This is dangerous, serious stuff that she is doing!!!

Your WH is just shooting you lines, Christine. That stuff about the IC. I heard it all before. My FWH went to a counselor, left his session and then spent the whole weekend with the OW.

Bottom line is. He needs to come home and be your H and get rid of her, not have anything else to do with her in his lifetime. PERIOD.

What do you have, Christine? What do you have now but just talk?

I am not 2X4ing you. I am just so very sad for you. I hate what your WH is doing to you and your sons. He is following the standard script. Do not think for one minute that he is unique.

You said:


He is keeping you and the OW on the string. He is telling the both of you whatever he can to keep you both hanging on....

You said:



What do you mean by this? What can you lose? You don't have anything. I'm sorry. You do have your wonderful boys. You don't have your husband, though. His "connection" (or whatever) is with her.

So what is your plan for this if you don't use the MB SYSTEM?

Christine,

"Maybe, we as BSes, get in "the fog". Listen to yourself:"

Mimi, this was totally AWESOME!! The fog or DENIAL!

It is so wacked that a husband is conversing for hours with another woman, whether it is on the phone or in person.

You have been beaten down so much from his "mental abuse" that you succomb to the notion that "he is only talking to her for X # of hours a day." is a GOOD THING!

K

No 2x4's coming from me.

I've been in Recovery for 3 1/2 years now.

I never went to Plan B....and was an enabler of my H A...for a time. My H would call me and talk to me of all people about the trouble he was having with the OW. Strange....I know....but I went along with it willingly....though he did know how to throw the hook that reeled me back in when I got a little distant.

WHY?

Because I knew my H....and I knew that writing him a letter explaining anything and going to Plan B would be a deal breaker for him. It didn't help that I didn't have anyone willing to be a go-between since we 3 kids, so a complete Plan B was out of the question. It also didn't help that I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

What eventually happened was a real change for me.

I eventually realized that I didn't want to be in their little triangle anymore. We were already seperated by this point....and he was still calling me and telling me this and that about him and the OW.....and I finally got tired of hearing it. I finally told him that they deserved each other at that point...and I would believe that he was going to call it quits with her when I saw it. Then...I moved on.

I quit calling him....quit asking him to fix things around the house....and made a point to let him know when he asked that I found someone else to fix the things he knew needed fixing. I took myself out of the picture for my own sanity.

I didn't write a Plan B letter...as it wouldn't have reached a rational spot in my H's then befuddled mind anyway. I just moved on....for me.

Now...about those feelings.

They do fade...with time.

My H now realizes that he didn't have even 1/4 of the feelings for the OW that he thought he had.

This OW has a boyfriend what recently became her fiance? And your H is okay with this? He's okay with just having a voice over the phone?

WOW...she's a real winner. Not even married yet and look at her....lol

That alone should tell your H something. No offense meant here....but doesn't he feel like he's second choice? Good enough to fool around with but not good enough to make her NOT marry this other guy? Not looking good for any future with them at all.....so what's the point?

Oh...but the feelings he has for her....yup....never felt them with anyone before and probably never will again right? Wrong. He's not really feeling anything....it's all in his head. Which one is anyones guess....but all the same...in his head.

If she TRULY felt anything near what your H thinks he has for her....then she wouldn't have recently accepted a marriage proposal from someone else. Nobody put a gun to her head and made her say yes.

I say....do what feels right for YOU. You know your H better than ANY of us here do. He might be acting like a textbook WS.....but WS come in all different shapes and sizes....they are NOT all the same. They just spout somewhat the same babble.

And remember.....people treat you the way YOU allow them to treat you.

Christine says:


Miss Priss:

I think your sitch is unusual.

The problem with this for Christine is what this is doing to her self-esteem. She seems to be crumbling, thinking that she can never measure up to a 19 year old BIMBO.

She needs to get away from this before she is destroyed as a person. I feel so sad for her....

Christine:

The A is an ADDICTION. When he withdraws from the drug, he can be himself again. Miss Priss' H and my H have returned to normal.

You can't listen to anything he says now.....

WHEW!!

Please, please, please talk with OW's BF.

And who else can you expose to?

You are right, this is very HS. The reason he feels he's never felt this way before...is because he hasn't...right now. It's hard, but we only hold onto a faint memory of those loving feelings when the chemicals tone down...much like pain...we hold a faint memory of pain, but not hte actual feeling (can you imagine feeling labor pain as strong as it was just happening whenever you brought up the memory?)

Ugh, there is NO convincing him...he is in LUUUUVVVV, yuk, but it is a drug, it's the chemicals...

What is YOUR plan for YOUR life...not to change him or persuade him, but what will YOU do for YOU?

Hi Prissy - hmmmmm, you withdrew, took yourself out of the drama, and cut him loose. In effect, you DID do Plan B, except for the letter, and this is exactly what worked for you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
WAT

Also, have you or have you not exposed this to OW's BF?

I'm asking because I don't know.

If you haven't, this forum or MB principles can do NOTHING further to help you end the affair. You'd just have to wait it out for as long as it takes. In the meantime, your family rots.

WAT

WAT AND OTHERS:
Thanks for coming in here to help Christine. I've tried to encourage her to do as you say, WAT, for months. Her self-esteem is getting lower and lower.

Miss Priss, she does need to be encouraged in the response she has had with her WH. He is having an A with a 19yo who was her NANNY!!

Gonna throw in my 2 cents but you have already been getting some strong support.

1. Remove yourself from his drama.

2. The OW wants control and if you don't remove yourself, she w/b in your life taking over your part of it. That is just the direction the OWs take. Having a WS is just the beginning of their selfish path. Complete destruction of a family is their utlimate goal. Keep that in the forfront of your mind so going to plan B will be easier.

3. The A appears to be dying but both the WS and OW will not let go without a fight. Fight with whom? With whoever they can get to enable the A. C/b you, your family, thenselves, each other, anyone. U getting this? Now remove yourself from the drama.

4. If he wants to go to an IC, let him. Don't give him suggestions, let him go find one. He may get a bad or a good one, let that be his choice. Step out of the drama and let him stew in his mire....by himself.

5. Identify your boundaries and secure your family's finances. Removing yourself from his drama does not remove him from his obligations. That's 2 different issues that should be treated separately.

JMHO,
L.

Expose to her poor boyfriend. He deserves to know what he is getting into.

My former counselor's son just last year discovered that his wife was having an affair. He married his college sweetheart, he thought. Turns out the affair was with his cousin and had been going on since before he and his wife ever married. They now have two small children and he is faced with the fact that he may not be the father of the youngest one (who knows about the older one). He is going through a horrible divorce.

This guy needs to know the truth about his fiancee.


Now wouldn't this be interesting...

When Plan B is in place the WS has all the time he wants to spend with the other person.

It is a little reality check for him to be away from the home and the family (in Plan B) and have the girlfriend up and leave to go see her boyfriend graduate.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well....we both know that I can't say that I did a "modified" Plan B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I have been told that there is no such thing.....but I think there is. Since every sitch is different in many ways.

Susan:

Christine is not in PLAN B. WH comes to the house everyday for dinner. OW is maintaining a R with him and stating plans to marry the fiance.

I know and I am recommending Plan B. She needs to remove herself from his chaos.

Susan