We have been getting along VERY well for the past few days. (Last week was HARD.)

Plenty of people say I am letting him off to easy. Sometimes I feel like I am, others I don't.

I get torn between so MANY different things.
To mean, he will leave, why would he want to stay with a B****!?
To nice, He will Just do it again, WHY NOT? No concequensis at home.
I guess I don't know where the happy medium is, the "OH S***! If I do this again, She is going to ________ me! (Fill in the blank.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He has STOPPED going out without me, ONLY once since D-day. He realized very fast that wasn't going to work.
He quit the job with her and with it being 40 minutes away, he has had NO Contact with her -- to my knowledge.
He was going to try for another job but I told him that it wouldn't work, it was in the same town that she lives in...40 minutes away.
He stopped deleting all incoming/outgoing calls. (We ONLY have cell phones no home phone.) So IF i want I can check them against the bill, outgoing TM are on bill, NO WAY to tell if he deleted incoming TM.
He does NOT use a computer so I don't have to worry about email.
He has been wanting us to do things together.
He has been home with me SO MUCH more.
Getting up in the am when he doesn't have to so we can see each other before work.
Scheduling MC sessions with our pature.
GOING to church and not whinning about it (His idea to start going).

I love him, I just don't want to go through this again, NOPE it is not his 1st A, or even his 2nd.

He said this time he realized I WAS DONE. That is why he has changed. It is the 1st time he actually LEFT our home because I was 90% done. He seen how DONE I was and came back. He admited to other PA that I did not know about until now (they were about 2-3 years ago).

How do you determine that Fine line of Nice/not to nice, Mean/No to mean?

When I see things going 'to easy' for him...I get so mad! does anyone understand me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Let me suggest the very premise of your question is mischosen.

You see, it's not your job to "punish" your spouse with contrived consequences in order to ensure his behavior is altered. That puts you in a "parent" role and I don't think that's the kind of marriage you want.

So, make your boundaries very clear to your H. Ensure that he's aware that if he does "X" you will do "Y". Don't make it trivial or empty. Mean it.

Then, fill your H's love bank. Pay no attention to others who are telling you that you're making it "too easy" for him.

You want a good marriage? It's your place to work towards making the relationship desirable to be a part of.

So, in short. There is no line between "mean" and "nice". You should always be as "nice" as you can be while standing up for your beliefs.

Low

I had this same question...

I am passive by nature and H is aggressive by nature. On one hand, I want him to feel unconditionally accepted by me. On the other, I don't want H to feel like I am giving him carte blanche.

In spite of all of this I am able to make my goals clear and all I can do is hope that H will go along with the idea. I can't make him do anything and that's what I'm just now realizing. This thought has brought me a lot of peace. It's not my responsibility to make H change or get him to do certain things. It's my responsility to make myself change and get myself to do certain things. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm making my lists and checking it twice because our marriage is the most important thing in my life and I don't want to screw it up twice. H knows that I will fight!

I am not trying to punish him. I want him to realize HOW close he was to being without me.

what about refilling MY LOVE BANK! I mean come on. Remaining married, and physically connected to him AFTER he sleeps with an 18yr old girl and tells me "I love you, but I am not IN love with you. I am IN love with her. I am not sure when I stopped loving you that way." He waited for the worse possible time to tell me. YES I asked, but I also asked a month before, WHY tell me on MY 28th birthday & OUR Son’s 1st birthday.

My emotional/physical needs were not being met either, but I remained faithful to him. Once I started suspecting things I did pull way but that is a normal defense maneuver. (he was working 2 jobs and NEVER home.)

He has been very understanding to my anger, YES, I AM STILL ANGRY! But I still show him love and when I cry he know why. I have started being more aggressive sexually, NEVER told me he liked that. BUT HOW do I get the image them making love out of my head while WE are.

I want him to realize, that I am not a free ride. He needs to earn my love & respect & most importantly TRUST back and I WILL NOT let him hurt me again!

Honestly, if I had been the WS, it would be a mute point, the divorce papers would have already been filed!

i have felt the same way, angi. i felt like i was letting him off so easy. he even told me he is totally surprised about how well i am handling the whole situation and never, in a million years, would have expected me to act like i had. also, he never planned for me to find out. which i still find funny considering how sloppy he was about the whole thing.

so all i have done since D Day was love him and let him know what I was fighting for and to show him what a loving wife he had to "come back to". because i was the unhappy wife in the first place that helped put him in this situation. by no means am i to "blame" but i accept the responsibilty for my actions.

and i am terribly angry at him for the whole thing as well, but i have found that if i direct my anger towards HER, then it leaves a loving wife for HIM. he knows i am angry. he knows i direct my anger towards her, but i can't use all of my energy to punish him and make my marriage work at the same time.

so, if loving him makes you happier than questioning whether you "let him off easy"... then by all means, love him back to a happier marraige.