I just confirmed a long-time fear that my husband was being unfaithful. I am shocked to discover he has been with prostitutes.

We’ve been married 6 ½ years and together for 9 ½, and we have a two-year-old son together. I am sobbing just thinking of my son telling people in his future when they ask about his family, “My parents divorced when I was 2 years old”.

I knew when my husband was younger he frequented strip clubs, and accumulated a lot of debt from that. We also were having sexual problems in our marriage from the early days. It started after we bought a computer, and he seemed to prefer internet porn over me. I know it doesn’t matter, but I am attractive, and not unwilling in the bedroom. I never once refused him.

I haven’t confronted him yet (it has just been a day). We have a complicated financial situation, and I am trying to get my arms around that. My first instinct was divorce.

I am afraid he cannot change. I think he may have a sexual addiction. A while back I asked him to not view internet porn for just three months, to prove to himself he didn’t have a problem like he said. He told me “no problem”. One month into it and I discover he had viewed it again. He still claimed to not have a problem with it, it was just "something he liked to do".

I love him for many reasons, but I am afraid for my health, both physical and psychological. At the same time the thought of a divorce kills me for my son and the life I thought I’d have together with my husband. Has anyone else been here? Talk to me.

I just confirmed a long-time fear that my husband was being unfaithful. I am shocked to discover he has been with prostitutes.

I think shocked is probably an understatement. We are sorry you have to be here, but there is probably a lot that will help you on this forum.

We’ve been married 6 ½ years and together for 9 ½, and we have a two-year-old son together. I am sobbing just thinking of my son telling people in his future when they ask about his family, “My parents divorced when I was 2 years old”.

Again, we are sorry. I hope it doesn't come to this. Or course, we don't know what the outcome will be, but there is almost always a chance.

I knew when my husband was younger he frequented strip clubs, and accumulated a lot of debt from that. We also were having sexual problems in our marriage from the early days. It started after we bought a computer, and he seemed to prefer internet porn over me. I know it doesn’t matter, but I am attractive, and not unwilling in the bedroom. I never once refused him.

Perhaps it does matter. I think it means he has an addiction, and unless he gets help, it will mean the end of your marriage. I have not had experiance with these, but I have seen other posters refer to programs for SA (Sexual addiction.) Do you think he would be open to this, or does he deny he has a problem?

I haven’t confronted him yet (it has just been a day). We have a complicated financial situation, and I am trying to get my arms around that. My first instinct was divorce.

Remember you DO have choices, and D is one of them. That you are here probably means you want a chance to save your marriage???

Fiances are often difficult to deal with. I know of few that have plenty to go around. Sometimes it means that a BS stays married long after they should have left - often there is a cycle of abuse to break out of.

What would your first choice be if you had lots of money?

I am afraid he cannot change. I think he may have a sexual addiction.

I believe he does, as per above.


A while back I asked him to not view internet porn for just three months, to prove to himself he didn’t have a problem like he said. He told me “no problem”. One month into it and I discover he had viewed it again. He still claimed to not have a problem with it, it was just "something he liked to do".

I think you are correct, but unless he wants to change, he will not change. I think you need a plan of your own to deal with this. You need to figure out what YOU will do if he wants to continue as he is.

I love him for many reasons, but I am afraid for my health, both physical and psychological. At the same time the thought of a divorce kills me for my son and the life I thought I’d have together with my husband. Has anyone else been here?

I do think your fears are well founded. Unless things change, you will have a great deal of stress, and your health will suffer.

SA is beyond the scope of my knowledge, and I have not been through what you are going through. I have seen posts by many that have, perhaps they will post to you in time.

Please don't rush to a decision. If this is to be fixed, it will take time, and lots of energy. First, think about what you want, and if you have the strength to carry through with it. Then make a plan - including researching SA, and organizations that can help. Let your H know what will happen if there is not a successful outcome. If he rejects any kind of help, you know where his heart is, and it may be good to try a separation to show him what it will be like without you, but that is in the future.

The boards are often slow, don't get discouraged if you don't get quick replies.

God be with you.

SS

I do have money from before the marriage, and the ability to go back in the workforce with a decent job (I’m working part-time now). I guess the financial situation I’m talking about, is our monthly expenses and credit cards tied together. I’m afraid, with his history of bad credit, and I know he likes to spend money, that he might go a little wild with our joint accounts if I told him I wanted a D.

He is a good person, father, friend. He doesn’t drink, smoke, abuse me, well I guess this is a form of abuse.

I’m just afraid that even if I did try with him, go to marriage counseling, and we both go to individual counseling, and he does some type of 12-step for SA, provided he’s willing to do all of that, (I think he would be in order to avoid a divorce), that he would just fall back into this.

It isn’t like there was another person he worked with on a daily basis, and they felt a mutual attraction, and something just happened. He sought this out. He could have it anytime, he doesn’t need another person to be into it, just cash. I’ve seen in his past he’s told me that he would stop doing something, i.e. eating too much, or stop viewing porn, or work out, his commitment falls apart in record time. (The only one of those three I ever asked him to do was stop viewing porn). There will always be temptation, he can research on the internet and read reviews of the whores and have his pick! What a convenient society we live in!

If I do stay with him, what if I contact a serious STD? What if I never can feel like really being intimate with him again because of this.

What if I leave him and my son grows up in a “broken” household? What if I’m not dateable because I’m 33 and have a 2-year-old son. What if my husband dates like crazy because he is “single” and makes good money?

I have an OB appointment Mon. to check out my health, and a D attny appointment on Tues., just to ask some “what if” questions. Should we spend the time trying to repair something that isn’t fixable, or just cut the “marriage” ties now?

I’m so sure about 99.9% of the decisions I make in my life. This is not my life. It can’t be.

To top it off, we were trying to get pregnant again and I won’t know for sure for another week & 1/2. I think that is part of the reason I haven’t confronted him yet. What would I do then?

Thanks for any thoughts. I just keep repeating in my head, as if to make it real, “My husband sees prostitutes.”

Hi, my name is Angelia and my husband is an SA. There is so much to this addiction and I strongly encourage you to check it out on the internet. There are some who believe it's just an excuse however your husband seems to be displaying or have displayed very real signs of this addiction. I am not a therapist or psychiatrist however, do have first hand knowledge of living with, being married to an addict.

My husband's addiction escalated (as is common with all addictions). He began with playboy magazines, then the magazines got raunchier, then the strip clubs, then internet porn, all along there were prostitutes, I can't count the number of affairs, etc. All the while, I was having sex with him, thinking we were living the perfect life.

I can't answer any of your questions about your life, whether or not you should divorce, etc. Those are personal decisions and only you can make them.

Do you have a personal relationship with God? Attend a church?

There is an excellent website called www.recoverynation.com which is built just for SA addicts and partners. The website is amazing.

My husband and I have been together 13 years. The last four have been almost pure hell. I'm praying for you because this addiction (like all addictions) don't just affect the addict.

Please don't make any rash decisions. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I saw a movie on Lifetime recently, fictional yet based on facts, about sexual addiction...so similar to your circumstances.

Harry Hamblin played a successful doctor, married to a beautiful, loving wife, with two teenage sons. Great life, the American dream. He also had a sex addiction that had continued undetected by his wife for several years. Pornography, strip clubs, affairs, prostitutes.

The wife eventually found out. Painfully betrayed, she made him leave. Got herself checked for STDs and AIDS. She told him she wanted a divorce. He didn't, he loved her, loved his family. They remained separated but started working with a therapist versed in SA (after he finally admitted he had an addiction he couldn't conquer by himself). He took regular lie-detector tests in the presence of his wife. He wasn't lying when he agreed throughout it all, he had always loved her.

He had a sponsor. One time, he was home with wife during a separated but re-dating phase. They had an argument. He left the house, compulsion strong, and cruised the prostitute area like he had in the past. Clinging to a mere thread of sense, he called his sponsor, who immediately came and removed him from harm's way. The incident was admitted to his wife during counseling. This, of course, hurt her but he was finally being totally honest regarding his addiction, a very important step - no secrets.

Last scene of the movie was a group meeting. Three months of "sobriety" achieved, and he stated it was a continuing process. The cliff hanger was if the wife would show up in support. She did.

WhoWasI, I can't begin to understand the depth of your pain. It must be horrible. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. You have many decisions to reach and no one would blame you for ending the relationship. I can only say your marriage has a chance if your H will admit his problem and get into a help program. Encourage him to do so while protecting yourself and your child. I keep thinking of the vows couples make to each other - "in sickness and in health" - I do think encouraging him toward help and remaining open to the possibility of eventual recovery is honoring those vows. I wish you the greatest successes life has to offer.

I suggest you RUN to join a biblically based, preferably evangerlical church that belives a tranforming relationship w Jesus Christ in the main point. Even if u dont need/care about this objective, it will SAVE / TRANSFORM him , if he gets plugged in w. other Christian men. I used to be Catholic (btw Catholics are great and I am thankful for my roots) till I found even greater promise with the ABOVE !!!

If he follows the prayer in Romans , which he may/will after enough association exposure and prayer . Thedesire will drop off like fat when he gets a perpetual diet with the above. You vcant even choose to keep fat if u eat lean. I t may be gradual it may be fast. Pray about it, and have other pastors agree w you in prayer. I have resources on the internet that are real churched if u want, but dont wat ot solicet here.

Jesus Christ is the answer to all addictions. God overpowers it all, if we believe and act and pray.

SO please DO the above if u havenet already.

Jack

The first thing you need to do is get to the clinic and get checked out for STDs, ESPECIALLY as you may be pregnant. Do this whatever he says, as no method of contraception is 100% effective at preventing infections.

Do not make any rushed decisions that you may regret later. If it does end in a D, you should be able to say with confidence that you did everything you could to save your marriage.

Try and think positive and look after yourself and your son.

Lots of love

NewlyWed, I do have an appointment tomorrow to get tested for STDs, thanks. That was also one of my very first thoughts when I found this out.

Thank you for your thoughts. Angelia, the website is a great source of information. How do you decide to stay, even with the hell the last 4 years have been? I know we all took vows in a church when we were married, that we were going to stay married, but there were specific details on what was expected. We both promised to “forsake all others and hold only unto each other.” So is he not bound by that, but I am stuck with “in sickness”? Sounds like an infinite loophole to me.

My other fear is that if we ever did work it out again, how would I know if he started up again? I actually had looked into Lie Detector tests in the past. I appreciate the Lifetime movie information, but the question of “if you really love your wife” doesn’t work on a Lie Detector test. It may be a possibility to include tests in our recovery to make sure he hasn’t strayed, but they can only ask one carefully worded, factual, yes or no question.

I do think my husband does love me, but not necessarily in a sexual way. I think he views his sex life as an exciting one with porn stars and porno, and that progressed to prostitutes.

I’m sure this has been going on for years. I had clues, and felt something wasn’t right. When we refinanced our house a couple years ago, I discovered he had a secret credit card. Luckily he had obtained it during the time he still had bad credit, so he didn’t have a huge credit limit. He had more than maxed out what he had. I tried desperately to get my hands on past statements to see what exactly he’d been charging, he claimed it was porn and Nude Bars, but looked really worried as I was trying to reach the company. Somehow it was such a “bad credit” company that they were in the middle of selling their accounts, and you couldn’t get the information.

I’m also sure he’s told many of his friends, which are Managers in the restaurant chain he manages. I was at a party with him a couple of years ago, not long after our baby was born, and talking with some of his guys friends. We were talking about how young people dress today, and I quoted a Bill Meyer episode where he wondered, with what the girls wear today, what do the whores wear? Everyone laughed and my husband’s boss said, “I don’t know, Rick (H), what do the whores wear today?” I got such a bad feeling then, but everyone was laughing, and later when I asked him, he said his boss was just joking around.

My point is, that he wasn’t really ashamed about what he’s been doing. He’s telling his conquests to his friends. He’s made a mockery of our marriage and a fool out of me. This has been going on for years, and while I’ve felt something was wrong for a long time, not really thinking that this could be it because he is a “good guy”. How many more years would this go on for if I stayed with him until I discovered the next time that he was back to his old ways with an STD?

Actually, the question was -- throughout all of your infidelity and porn usage, did you ever stop loving your wife? The answer was "no." Deemed not a lie on the test.

MB concepts won't work when an addiction is present, and I think your only hope of salvaging the marriage rests in his agreement to get help.

I'm sorry you are going thru this..It is very - very difficult to accept their behaviour...

I believe my WH is also a sex addict...I believe this for a few reasons...

Many OW, majority are married
Found out that he visits strip clubs
I'd guess he also has had SF w/prostitutes or ONS
Has more than 1 A going at a time
Has NO SF w/me
Majority of SF w/me was early in the relationship and it was "boring" - like you I was willing never said No, yet, he wasn't interested in SF w/me
Has No remorse for his actions
Many of the women aren't anything "special"
Habitual lier
Puts on the Mr. Nice Guy to everyone around him - so they dont' see who he really is.
And God only knows what else he's been up to..

I agree w/other posters unless he admits and gets help - your life w/him will be hell...I guess I'm lucky since WH wasn;t interested in me sexually - I'm not too worried about STD's...

YOur WH probably needs intense IC to see what has caused this addiction and how to fight it..

I'd say call the credit card companies that are joint and shut them off NOW...Before he can charge anything else..Send a letter whatever stating that any more charges you will personally not be responsible for..

Be careful when you expose him to others - this could enrage him and he may run deeper into the addiction..That's what mine did...And I'm in a similar spot as you - do I even want this person in my life anymore???? Can I forgive/forget what they have done???

Also, be careful - my WH did drink in the past - but once exposed he drank more..he was never physically violent with me - once exposed he became violent..They become VERY UGLY...when they want to resist help/healing/fear of leaving their addiction..

Hugs to you..I too know where you are mentally and it's tough..and ithurts....