I've been separated from my X for about 10 months now. Divorce paperwork is being finalized and things seem to be pretty much tied up both financially and emotionally.

The problem I have is my Ex still seems to think we are married when it is convenient for her. When she has the kids she wants to use my house like a drop-in center. Granted it is my kids house too but this drop-in stuff is starting to really get to me. I'm trying to move on with my life and she keeps on just dropping in. Its making it tougher.

What's the best way of handling this? I'm sure if I tell her I don't want her just dropping in to my house she'll tell the kids "We can't go to your house cause Miker won't let me" and then I'll end up looking like the bad guy to the kids.

Maybe more to the point if I put my foot down on this what do I tell the kids so they understand where I'm coming from on this.

The kids have been through enough and have faired really well, I don't want them to have to endure any more suffering than is necessary.

Cheers,

Miker

What if you start with the kids and frame the whole thing around ettiquette and manners? You can say how it's always polite to call before dropping by in case you've chosen a bad time. Then, you can say that you'll be asking their mommy to call before she stops by, even when the children are with her. For example you might not be home and the house would be locked. Or you might have a big project going on and not be able to play the host.

I don't think you'll have to explain much to the kids at all. They have friends who come from split families I'm sure. They know that having Mommy just hang out at Daddy's house is not how divorced people act.

Just be polite and calm.

miker... i have read many of your posts, but have never posted to you before... your sitch is what i call, 'a sad state of affairs, beyond expectaions'... i have no children and am not qualified in that realm, but my stbxw (Dv is final in a couple days) would pull the drop-by quite often... call me from the driveway to tell me she was coming over... her most thoughtless act was when she moved all of her stuff from the M-house... she had left over a month before she came back for her belongings... i knew about the OM, but she didn't know that i knew... so, i packed all her stuff for her, very neatly and safely and placed it in the garage behind the house... i gave her explicit instructions that there was to be no one in the house, including her and that i would be gone all day... when i got home, her and OM were in the house... alone... i told her that was unacceptable and i got the, 'it's still my house, too'... speach (yelling, mostly... and she was living w/OM)... long and short, i changed the locks... needless to say, i got a 'speach' about that, too... so i told her that she no longer lived there, and like any other person, needed to aske for permission in advance to be on 'my' property... otherwise she was trespassing... and invading my sanctuary and messing with my chi, and that the negative energy she was leaving behind was polluting my aura... probably not the best way for you to handle it, but i find it amusing now (18 months later) that that technique actually worked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />... and i progressed in my healing much faster and better when she was not coming over any more... i think it was a power play to some extent... cake eater, no doubt... still wanted the M and the R w/OM... i had to cut the head off of that snake or risk going insane... some kind of boundary is nec, imo...

good luck and God Bless...

Hi Miker,

I will be watching to see what kind of advice you get on this question, as I deal with the same thing.

I have 2 girls, and they live with me.
The weekends that they are with their dad, there is some reason to come to my house. They have done the unannounced drop in several times, or call when they are very near the house. Sometimes they just pop in for a minute or they have the need to come spend a couple of hours here for whatever reason.
I deal with the same issues. I do not want to tell them they can not come here, it is their home.

I try to be gentle with the girls, as they are innocent in this. I do feel that their dad should handle it differently and repect my time.

I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now, and this is still going on.

Good luck to you! I will follow your responses.

Karona

I was feeling so pleased with myself because my STBX doesn't drop by unannounced. When he has the girls, he never comes by unless under duress.

And then... I remembered. My STBX is still doing laundry at my house! Go figure that. Plus, half his clothes are still here. We've been separated 2 years! LOL. I am not one to give any advice on Boundaries. You can't imagine the effort a tiny little rail fence costs me.

Miker,

Could you clarify what you mean by drop-in center? Does your X just come over with the kids and hang out with them at your house? Or is she coming over to interact with you?

I'm sorry I don't know a lot about your story, I will try and catch up on it. Are you able to talk with your X in a reasonable way, or are things too emotional right now?

When I first went to plan B with my STBXW it didn't work so well. For some reason she basically ignored the letters I would write asking her for NC with me. It really made me angry and I wanted to call her and go off. Instead I asked her to meet with me. I sat down with her and in a calm, respectful way told her that for me NC was not some game or strategy I was using to try and hurt her. I told her that it was simply so much easier for me to move on with my life if I didn't have to see her and asked her if she would please do that for me as a show of respect for my feelings.

That did the trick. She couldn't get angry because of the way I asked her. As a matter of fact it made her feel guilty I could tell. Only my oldest S even noticed that we stopped contact. When he asked me about it I told him basically the same thing I told my X. He didn't like the idea, but he understood.

Now as more time has gone by I have been able to have some contact with my X. It's fairly pleasant most of the time as a matter of fact. But I am the one who controls how much time I spend communicating with her. Now that I have accepted that D is the best thing it's a lot easier for me to have contact with her. I am still angry and have not completely forgiven her yet, but am also able to see the other side now, which is that I have custody of my children, a good life ahead of me and honestly an easier one in a lot of ways. The severe negativity that my X carried with her all the time was VERY draining.Good Luck.

starman

Thanks for all your replies... its nice to know (but unfortunate) that I'm not the only one that has to deal with this.

I thought she would take the hint and it would end when I took my X's key away but the kids still have a key and she just doesn't seem to get it! Frustrating... yes!

I guess I'm going to just have to tell her that I am uncomfortable with her dropping in and using my house when she has the kids. The tricky part is going to be explaining to the kids why they can't come to their house when they are with their Mom. That's the part I'm struggling with.

Thanks again all for your responses... When I think of what I'm going to say I'll post it here and see what you think.

Miker