I found out about 3 months ago that my husband was having an emotional affair with a previous secretary (she had moved, but they kept in contact via email, phone and a couple of visits). He says there was no physical contact, it was more of just a really good friendship. Yet I find myself going through many of the same emotions and mistrust that people whose spouse had a "real" affair are suffering from. I tried to do a search to see if there were others on this forum who are dealing with what I am, but was unsuccessful. If you are out there, please let me know how you are doing. We are trying to work on our marriage, but he was already very distant from me, so seems to be having more trouble than I am to commiting to it for the long haul.

Welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of !

Have you done some reading on this site as well as read any books about EAs?

Not Just Friends is a good place to start as far as books go.

How long have you been married?
Any kids?
Has the affair stopped?
Do you have proof of the affair? (email copies, phone records, etc)
Is OW married?

Thanks

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<a href="www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0743225503/ref=sib_dp_In/102-4100254-1838516#reader-page" target="_blank">Not Just Friends By Shirley Glass</a>

Thanks for the fast reply. We have been married for almost 24 years, and have two teenage boys. I was the one that discovered what he called a "special friendship" because I finally got suspcious enough to check his email. So I have proof of emails, of a cell phone log, and his confession when confronted with the evidence. The OW is married too, younger of course, with 3 kids. I've only read some stuff on websites, but will look into that book.

I "think" that the affair has stopped, but just this past weekend a weird thing happened. We had cleaned up his cell phone of all the phone calls logged (and even a couple of conversations he had taped by accident). So he called me the other night from his cell phone, and the called ID showed her cell phone number, even though it was from his phone. I called the cell phone company and asked them why this would happen, and they just said stuff like that does when weather is weird or something, then sometimes a previously dialed/received number will pop up. I asked him if he has been in contact with her, and he said no, but my trust has just gone to rock bottom again. I'm even tempted to hire a detective, except that I cannot afford one!

Please understand that this is just my opinion but I say HORSE PUCKY! That sounds like a line a bullsh*t from the cell phone company. I would continue with the line of thought the C has started again. Have you read up on plan A? Look for ARK's thread on expecting contact and plan A.

Very sorry for the situation that brings you here.

Okay, I've searched all over, but cannot find the instructions or original post for where Plan A/B is actually described. Can you help?

Thanks

click here and start reading:WAT's quick guideline for betrayed spouses

Susie-

Take a look for a couple of threads on the board by Cardsonly, 2BNormal, and Sysyphus. While all of these situations are like mine, and actually related to online emotional affairs, we're still all talking about the same bottom line issue...the EA itself.

Don't feel like what you're going through is any less painful for it not having been a physical affair. Trust me, I know. My wife had an online emotional affair, and nearly left me for this person she'd never met face to face.

It's hard to deal with. But, here is the thing. You've already started doing some of the things that you need to do...if he's 'agreed' to NC (no contact with the OW), then it's up to him to prove that contact has ended. In addition, there are steps you can take to start checking on things.

Most cell companies have online sites where you can look at your invoice...and many of them update even daily, so that you MIGHT be able to see calls that were made to/from his phone as recently as yesterday. (As far as the OW's number showing up, it IS possible...I work for a major telecommunications company, so I know...but it's also VERY unlikely...so check your invoice for that time to see what call was REALLY made).

Put a keylogger on your computer at home. Don't tell your H that its there...and use that to monitor his online activity.

Most of all, if you have any proof that the affair is ongoing, then EXPOSE it to everyone possible. Your family, his family, HER family, etc... It's really hard to keep this kind of thing going when everyone knows what's going on and frowning on you for doing it.

Hang in there friend.

Dear "Owl"
I guess that is what is driving me nuts, because his cell phone is a company owned one. He also does not use the computer at home (too much competition from our kids). So this "cell phone incident" is making me worried that they are in contact again. Can I go over it one more time so that you, as a telecommunications expert, can tell me if my suspicions are justifed?
1) We cleared her number from the phone about 2 months ago.
2) He was calling on his cell phone, the weather was bad, and her cell phone number shows up in caller ID.
3) He got cut off, called back, and it was back to his number in caller ID.
So I would guess that either:
a) the devil is playing tricks with me
b) She was with him and he was using her phone (highly unlikely because he was on a business trip with a group of others I could check with
c) she attempted to contact him, that is why her number was in cyberspace, or he had just called her.

Personally, my heart wants to go with (a), but my mind says that logically they have been in contact. I don't want to be a fool, but I don't want to nurture mistrust where there really isn't any.

I'm by no means a "telecommunications expert", but I do have a basic understanding of how most mobile phone calls are processed and work.

HONESTLY, if I were you, I would doubt first. It's POSSIBLE...I've seen it happen personally. But it's not likely. Just remember..."when two or more possible solutions exist, the simplest is the most likely answer"...in other words, it's a lot more likely that he grabbed the wrong phone to call you on, realized it, "disconnected (read, hung up on you)", and dialed back from his own phone.

I'd suggest you talk to the people he went on the business trip with, and verify that he was there, without anyone else.

Hi
Yes, I have been there. There has been a year since my nightmare started. I found out accidently(no I went looking) he started acting "differnt" quite, withdrawning from me,kids, chores, life... he would never use the pc at home only at work. and all of a sudden he was on everynight. playing card games(which was no news to me) one night i went on while he was at work to find him and before i cuold say HEY he typed her hi been on long... she replyed hi handsome... i can not begin to tell you the different emotions i felt... i confronted him he denied.. i showed proof...he said he stop... i kept spying... watching...learned alot about a pc.... he would only change his SN..I'd find out.. he'd get MAD... said he stop well you know this goes on and on... finally i just got all his SN and passwords and watched.... the words i read made me sick (really, i lost 15 lbs in 2 mos) just when I's think it was over no contact...believeing..trusting... id's find something...3 mos went by ..nothing... then he'd sent her a "i miss you" email i also found a phone # in his wallet just last week... so it never ends... and I became a person i hate...the quilt ..the spying.. and being the fool...
he doen't want to leave..he says he loves me..."its just talking" but I know to much... i know his secrets... that he denies... but although i found this #... we have been doing "OK" for 2 mos now but ONLY because SHE stop and contacting him.... hes' back but he doens't know i know this ...and i do not know if i want him back that way.. she is still in his heart... he still misses her.... and i will live with that for the rest of my life... I hate him at times i look at him and I do not know him... this man i thought i knew...loved and took very good care of..
sorry i went on and on... this is a subject i have to talk about it just feels better to let it out..

married 23 years w/
3 children...
no i never contacted OW.. ijust thought it would make it worst... you would have to know my H... he still says he did nothing wrong.... "just talking" .....bull....