I am so upset right now - I just have to vent! H went to lawyer today to sign child support papers. We hired this lawyer - OW did nothing. Anyway -- H tells me on the phone that he had to call OW to get her address when he was filling out papers. (Funny thing -- he has sent her three checks in the mail without calling to verify her address.) Then he mentions "I will need to communicate alot over the next week about the paperwork." I ask "Why?" H:"Well, she needs to know to go sign and where to go and stuff. . . but I'll contact her with you." Bullsh*t! The lawyer has a secretary that can do that! I can't help but feel like he is making excuses to contact her so he can discuss with her the amount of $ he and lawyer came up with etc. -- that's crazy! She hasn't lifted one finger (except the hand she takes our checks with) to take care of this legal stuff so as far as I am concerned she goes in blindly. I am just concerned that H is getting started desiring contact w/ OW again and can't admit it to himself. He becomes so defensive when it's mentioned. I am also beginning to think that if this is the crap recovery is made of I don't want it -- I'd rather be divorced and done with it! I HATE having my emotions triggered all the time. I mean last week we went and visited OC -- I felt in control, I could handle him in our lives, so what about all the $ OW was getting for him, H and I were together and our M was going to thrive . . . Fastforward to today -- UGH! I can't trust him. I am sick of OW name ever being mentioned! I HATE that a large part of our income has her name on it. WHY????

Sorry -- I just really needed to vent.

Beth

PS -- I further frustrated myself by reading Dr.Phil's message board and reading about what idiots any of us are for staying in our M with WS and OW w/OC. People who have never experienced this should keep their ignorant opinions to themselves!!!!

YOU are right!

THere is NO reason for H to call OW--actually teh lawyer shoudl be DIScouraging---that is what you are payign the lawyer for!!!!

OW will read the papers herself when she gets served & she is onher own. IF she can't figure it out---then she can hire her own attorney.

You are right on to be upset about that & I agree it is an excuse to C OW.

Hang tuff!

Don't listen to other posters, do what YOU want & what is rught for you---there are PLENTY of us who are recovering nicely in our lives, families & marraiges.

As long as you & H keep the best interests of YOUR MARRIAGE the root of all your decisions....you will be OK.

H & I renewed our vows last October for our 12th weddign anniversary. THe sailing was NOT always smooth but we kept focused on moving FORWARD w/ our committment to do whatever we needed to keep our marraige & family intact.

hang in there girl!

xoxoxoxo
kt

Thanks, KT. I needed that. I have cooled off some now -- I was just really frustrated earlier. I am probably being overly cautious but HELLO? Look what happened already. I just don't ever want to overlook the obvious again.

Couples like you and your H give me hope -- thanks for sharing. How long ago was the A in you situation? I can't remember -- I am thinking you have C. Is that right? How does that work out for you? We will be moving back to the state where OC is this summer and plan to begin regular visitation and introduce OC to our kids who at this point know nothing. Have any suggestions on that? I have been w/H twice to see him and couldn't help myself from liking him -- afterall I love babies. So I think I am prepared for regular C (which was left up to me by my H -- he didn't want to force OC on me). OW tends to cooperate nicely -- doesn't interfere in our lives, call H, or stuff like that and is actually open to me being StepMom to her son. H continues to prove M comes first (with the exception of stuff like today) and is really doing all he can as far as being accountable for time, etc. to prove he's trying. His efforts combined with his remorse for the whole mess in addition to the love we have for each other give me hope for our future.

Thanks again for your email.
Beth

Ditto what KT said: you are RIGHT!! NO contact (about papers) necessary!!! Don't let him buffalo you into thinking anything different!!

One of the things A did was damage my self-trust!--did I really know what was real and what wasn't? Could I trust my own judgement?! So backing each other up post-A is really important. We need reality checks so wandering spouses don't make us crazy on top of the rest.

Re: telling kids, see my response to Strivingforhappiness, Just found out that H is the father. I'll help if I can.

Best wishes for a happy recovery!
"Jenny"

Well just as we all know H contacting OW causes problems! After he contacted her from lawyer's office, she began a game of "well, I think I may get m own lawyer and look over it . . . my parents think I should, etc. " This infuriated H(who has paid for the lawyer we are using, DNA, and given her child support before all legal paperwork is finished) so several phone calls took place between them over this. H never can understand that OW loves attention -- even if it is 100% negative.

But here is proof: Next day (H birthday) OW emails ecard, not from OC but from her. H has set strict email boundaries w/ her and this broke it. H convinced me to let him ignore it and not call her on it due to possible legal sitch. "Just wait until she signs then you can say something." SO I did. Well, that night OW sends H email of an old email from the A with a note along the lines of "Found this cleaning out the inbox. I am going to print it out so OC can see it one day as proof his parents loved each other." I went crazy --- I called her up and let her have it: 1. about breaking boundaries and 2. about telling OC he was born from love. It was an awful phone call -- I was so upset I don't even think I made sense. I really regret not having cooled down before calling her out on breaking the guidelines we agreed on. H got on phone and defended my position and explained that he intends to tell our children A was huge mistake (not OC a mistake but A -- people are never mistakes) and that he would tell OC same thing because that is the truth. Anyway -- long and short of it is : if H hadn't contacted OW, she wouldn't have felt comfortable in sending private email. But in the end Yeah for H! -- he wa upfront and honest about the email and defended our family and realized the effect a phone call or two can have on OW.

Trying, I absolutely hate how our H's enable this crap to happen--despite all common sense; despite all warnings; and despite prior agreements. My H is one of the smartest men I know, and yet when it comes to OC's mother, he might as well be walking around with a sign that reads, "Simply Just Doesn't Get It."

Like you, I have also wondered if the recovery would be worth it. But you seem to be doing okay since your H backs you up on your stance regarding OW's cheap and transparent (aren't they always to US?) attempt to characterize the A as some kind of love relationship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

And, H has no reason to contact her about the agreement. After all, that is what a lawyer is for! It's like he's trying to give her a soft landing at the expense of your feelings. Don't H's understand that it takes a lot of hard work and effort to rebuild the trust that they so cavalierly destroyed and took for granted?

As for comments people make on Dr. Phil's or any other board, I have to admit that there was a time when I had the same attitude. Sure, it's easy to say until you find yourself in the same sitch. So, don't worry about them!

Hi ttmiw,

I was just going to say that since we all know father's don't have any rights in these situations, possibly H was just trying to keep contact with XOW to make things run smoother, not that this ever works, but I know H tryed to be "nice" to XOW by giving her a heads up about paperwork coming, P test and such. Doesn't make a difference, they still get pissed when they get a letter from the lawyer, but I think he was hoping she'd stay cool.

Funny what somebody said about "not having a clue", my friends and I used to refer to my H's XOW as "clueless". I think they are in lots of ways. We've done everything we're supposed to do and more for XOW in our case and she still gets pissed about stuff. I'm sorry, you decided to have a married man's baby, how did you think this was going to go????

As far as her getting a lawyer, I don't see why you or H would be mad. That's what they're for. She'll be paying for it and it's not like you would've saved any money by her not getting a lawyer. I say, now that the "we'll handle this" between them didn't work well, let the lawyer's hash it out. That's what they're for. From my experience with the lawyer so far, we don't need to have any contact with her unless we want it. His secretary has contacted H several times and has sent letters on our behalf, etc. The goal is to have the two lawyers talk to each other, not the people involved. She'll be pissed for a while and when it's all said and done, you'll all have to do what the court says with CS and visitation and there won't be anything to argue about. Of course she can be a drama queen if she wants, but if you ignore it and don't get caught up in it, she'll stop. You know, like our 2 year olds tantrums :-). Good luck!

Glad things are going well for you and H. Don't read that stuff about what other people think. Every situation is different and NO ONE knows what they would do in this situation until put into it. Just remember that.