In another thread, you posted this to me:


Ark, I have always valued your opinion and insight. If you have something to say to me, I assure you I am all ears. (or eyes, with a scroll button, as the case may be)

I realize my thread and story kind of drifted off and I haven't been here with an update. I've been posting over at SYMC a fair bit and have been far from inactive in my quest to 'better myself'.

Anyway, the point of this is that I value your opinion and thoughts. If you have some to share, please do.

Sincerely,
John

Dewt..

It is my opinion that you and Dylan both live in the past way way way to much...

that you excuse really bad bad present behaviors...all because of course..you were bad also once...

that you both hide behind this shield of protection...and I don't mean one-upping eachother in bad things or choices...but just as bad...excusing the CURRENT choices and behavior...

and what's really bizarre about your's and Dylans case..is that other posters join in this behavior with you two...

several times I would post to Dylan about current issues going on ...and posters would appear admonishing me for not knowing the WHOLE story...when in my opinion...knowing the WHOLE story was irrelevant in the advice being offered then and now....
which is NOT to say my advice means anything...but that pattern of protection from current consequances of choices...based on past things...is NOT in my opinion a good practice...

it impeeds and stifles moving forward...
it can and will be used against eachother and things that need to said
boundaries that need to be set
will go undo all because of the past....

Dylan spoke the words I have come to detest more than iloveyoubutamnotinlovewithyou...
the I need to find myself mumbo jumbo....
and that need to find herself...found her in contact with OP while having you believe she's off soul searching....

you know the truth is that if I told Mr. Ark I needed to find myself..he'd look as his watch and say...

you got five minutes to find yourself.......then we are getting back to reality and life

and honestly all of this may be mute and hopefully it is...
and hopefully you both are moving on...and doing well

but if you two are still wallowing in the past ...
you might want to think about stopping...and staking claims in the new persons you can be...and just start acting like it....


ARK^^

Thanks for the reply ark...

Nice post, but WAY too nebulous. [dewt ducks and runs for cover]

Really, I do appreciate your posting to me. I've read this post a couple of times over and there's some things that I don't think I'm 'getting'. I need some clarification...


What do you mean by living in the past? It seems kind of self explanatory, but in what way are we doing this? I thought that in addressing the post dday#2 list we were addressing those choices and behaviours...


I remember that. I remember being pretty upset by it too. For a while there, it seemed like a common theme, even from very experienced posters. It is true I have not been a perfect spouse. There are many areas in which I have fallen woefully short. Be that as it may, I don't view it as justification for Dylan's affair. Just because I was 'bad' doesn't mean that Dylan is justified in being 'bad' too.


Yes, this was and possibly still is an issue. I'm hoping that the list we're working on will level the field. Allow us to say those things, set those boundries, work towards health, all within a safe environment but also with a sense of accountablility.


I bet I detest them more than you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

In dylan's defence, I never believed she was soul searching. I never thought that OP was going to be out of the picture. I hoped, big time, but that's not the same. Doesn't really change your point, but I had to clear that up.

I think I like Mr Ark. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I do believe we are moving forward. Certainly not as fast as I would like, but slowly, things are coming together. I'm in a program to deal with my addiction and am knee deep in research into ADD (which is providing a valuable insight into my past behaviour). I'm also working like heck on developing new habits that will make me a much better spouse/father/person. All this is good for me. Hopefully, down the road, it will be good for Dylan too and she will make the leap and we can enter recovery. I don't blame her for being hesitant. I don't think living in the past is particularily healthy, but disregarding it completely ain't all that good an idea either.

Thanks again for posting,

John

bump for ark

Dewt..

it is my opinion that you use past bad behaviors not to excuse or justify affairs..but you use it to not set personal boundaries....

When Dylan wrote her "I am going to find myself Post..."
I bought it hook line and sinker....not the find myself part cause I think that is mumbo jumbo....but the NO CONTACT part...I truly believed that at that point in time when she posted that she wasn't able to be in a relationship with anyone be it you or the OP and that she needed to be with herself...
I bought that at that time she had clear insight to continued trauma that contact put herself in ...you...the OP and most importantly little dewt...

and now I find out that YOU didn't believe her....
so you counted on HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bbblllleeeeeechhhhhh


you said...
In dylan's defence, I never believed she was soul searching. I never thought that OP was going to be out of the picture. I hoped, big time, but that's not the same.

DEWT if you never believed she was going to go no contact
WHERE were your boundaries
for you sake
for Dylans sake....

why are you defending that....
why aren't you owning that as yours....

what is your fear of boundaries....
what is it that stops you from setting it..

and what I think it is that you just keep raising the bar of the breaking point that pushes over the edge to make boundaries...


Here's what I imagine you saying...

DEWT SAYS "EVEN THOUGH I DOUBTED HER NO CONTACT...
I would have, should have set a boundary on continued contact..
but...
I once told her I had ended contact when I really didn't...
so I didn't think it was FAIR of me to set any now..besides I did have hope....."

and I am not trying to beat up on Dylan...
at all...

I truly hope you two are really working on these things...life is way way too short...

so really this point may be mute..

but dewt when you say no two by fours...or allude to wanting no disagreement with a plan ...then you cut yourself off from opinions and feedback that may OR may not help you...but atleast you get them.....that's why I didn't post any of this when the original continued contact post appeared...you were pretty clear with what you didn't want..

ARK

Hey ark, I'm really sorry it's taking so long for me to reply to things. There's soooo much going on right now... (which is a good thing)

I think we have a misunderstanding going on. When I refered to hoping that there would be no contact, I'm refering to the period immediately following my exodous with Mini from that house in Smalltown. I actually left because Dylan was unwilling to end her affair. In retrospect, I could have handled the whole thing better, but at that point I thought I was setting a pretty neccesary boundry.

As for DDay#2, well, the fact that they were having an affair caught me completely by surprise. I knew that there was contact in regards to the house, and issues surrounding it, but I had no idea that they were still being intimate. I was very much led to believe otherwise.

Are we on the same page? Did I misunderstand you?

Ark, I'm always open to differing opinion. I thrive on discussion and debate. (Ask Mel... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) I remember not wanting the thread to turn into a slugfest. Well, I'd have to go back and read what I specifically wrote, but please let me assure you that garnering differing opinions is crucial to my decision making process. Not that I rely on others to make my decisions, but I'm acutely aware that left to my own devices, I can make some pretty insane decisions. (Now, as I read into this ADD condition, I'm begining to get a good understanding of why that is.

As for boundries that are in place right now... well, there's a basic respect thing that is largely unspoken of but very well adhered to...

A No Contact letter has been sent. My exposure was devastating to OP. She is moving out of the 'house' and leaving the town. (I do feel bad that this had such dire consequences for her. I was following directions to end the affair. I didn't mean to ruin her life.)

Dylan and I are working on a written POJA (online and with witnesses and accountability) which not only addresses current issues, but is also geared towards resolving the issues that set the stage for ANY affairs to take place in the first place.

I dunno... I may be missing something (which is why I rely so heavily on discussion) but I have been under the impression that I, actually WE (Dylan and I) have been handling this situation fairly well. (I wonder if it's permitted to link to that discussion if it's not on the MB boards. I posted it originally here (Topic: Plan Dewt) on MB but the thread kind of died) If you see weak links in what I've wrote, or need clarification, please let me know.

As an update, I officially have my diagnosis of Adult ADD. I saw my doctor yesterday and we spend about an hour discussing that and treatment options. I start new meds tomorrow and have a follow up in a month.

Whadderya think?

John

Don't mean to intrude on your discussion with Ark, but this caught my eye.

You didn't ruin her life Dewt. She chose to be in the middle of someone elses marriage.

This might be the catalyst which could change her life, for the better. If she chooses to use it that way.

Someday she might be a much better, stronger person with good personal boundaries and integrity, because you chose to stand up and expose.

And it is her choice to leave town instead of stay and face the consequences of her actions.

Weaver, you know you are welcome to join in anytime!


I hope so. I bear her no ill will.

dewt

bump for Ark...