I am reading his needs/her needs and while most of it makes since to me there is a part that I do not get. If falling and staying in love is all about bank withdrawls and deposits then why am I still in love with my Husband. He does not meet any of my needs, and has not for a very, very long time (no bank deposits) and he can be very cruel (tons of bank withdrawls). All of this has been going on for a very long time. It does not just surround the OW or affairs. So why am I still in love with him? There also seem to be many other people going through similar type stuff that are in similar situations that are still in love with their spouse even though they are not receiving love deposits and are receiving tons of love withdrawls. Is there anyone who can help me understand all of this?
Thnaks,
Stormy

Perhaps you have a "need" to be treated poorly?

Think about this very carefully.

WAT

Logically, that would make sense, but I do not believe I do. For the short periods when he does treat me nice I am on cloud 9. It is like I hold on to those moments and memories. I so badly want them to last. I have given up before and kicked him out when he starts treating me horrible and it becomes obvious that nothing at all I am trying is helping. It is just so hard to let of the possibility that he might change and treat me right. I hate the idea of divorce and I hate the idea of my kids not having there real Dad around. My parents divorced and it was very painful for me. I do not want to do that to my kids. When I do let him home it is because he is promising to treat me and the kids great. I start picturing us having a great life together and let him come home. But, in the end it always seems like I get my hert broken. It is very disappointing and painful. And from what I have read it seems like there are others on the board that go through similar struggles. When someone has an affair and becomes an alien in a fog they make downs of bank withdrawls and no bank deposits, but the majority of people seem to still be inlove with their spouses and still wish their spouse would end the affair, come home, and treat them great. At least that is the way it seems to me.

Also, when I did fall in love with him he treated me great. In the very begining he met all of my needs. He held my hand, snuggled, complimented me, was kind, and loving. In the begining he was never mean or cruel. He did do things behind my back, but I was not aware of them at all at the time. I thought things were awesome and that I could trust him. It is just once I fail in love it was like and is still like I can not fall out of love with him. He is also the only person I have ever been with at all. My first and only love.

Hi Stormy,

Love is a complicated thing... I don't think any "formula" can define it. Sometimes I think though you have to put it on the backburner and focus on other things. Some people have a hard time with that (especially true romantics). I think if you don't try to explain it or figure it out but instead just deal with your situation as best you can as objectively as you can your far ahead of many. But "love" always confuses and muddies the waters and makes you think crazy... I know it did for me!

From what you describe you sound like an optomistic, positive person. These are good traits! Some people only see the negative in things. Eventually you'll reach a point where you say enough is enough though. I think for each person that point is different.

Not sure that is much help, but rather some rambling. Sorry to hear things aren't improving for you. Take care and be strong!

Miker

Thanks, your post helped. I guess I thought if I could make sense of why I am still in love with him then I could choose not to love him and then all of this would not hurt so bad. I still want my marriage to work I just do not want to be hurt anymore. In some ways things are better, but in some ways they are not.

Thanks Again,
Stormy