Lots of good news in your post. I'm so glad! I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but you are on the right path. You can't see further down the road, but I can, cuz we were there. You both are doing the right thing.

It sounds like you would know if he has broken NC. It's good that you are asking once and awhile, but not freaking out about it. I did check WS' phone a couple of times after NC, but I kinda knew he would quit "cold turkey". That is just his personality. You know your WS the best.

I actually didn't have to deal with alot of withdrawal. In the first week, WS was concerned that OW didn't try to reach him. Ugh. Isn't it horrible how we have to reassure the WS during this time? But they are looking for a friend at this time. Are you being a friend to WS?

I actually believe this would be a good time for you to go to Retrouvaille.

Trust is a strange thing. When it's broken, we can't imagine how it will ever be the same. But when you work on a relationship, you discover that the wound does heal. Unfortunately, in an M, we may hurt each other again. Not in terms of an A, but just in choices we may make. We are human, we are not going to be perfect. We need to learn how to ask for forgiveness and how to forgive.

I know you want your M to improve overnight, but it will take time. I just want to reassure you that I can see you are on the road to recovery. The thing is you will need to work on yourself, as well. It's not all up to WS.

Okay, start working on the ENs, that is what brings back the loving feelings (for both of you). He needs to be reminded what it felt like when you first got together. Remind him.

Oh, I know what you mean about feeling like a doormat. I *never* imagined I would ever stay with someone who had an A. I just wasn't raised that way, but I had to own up to some facts. I was not the wife he needed. He takes all the blame for having the A, but it didn't happen in a vacuum.

Besides this site, I only told one group of friends what was going on. They pretty much all advised me to kick him out. We are not taught to recover and rebuild our Ms.

Plan A is a time to look inward. And for me, I realized that my inability to express my feelings was going to follow me to another relationship if we got divorced. I would still have to change. So if I needed to change, why not do it with WS? And, finally, if you divorce with children and want to save them emotionally, you really have to take the high road with WS. If I would have to work on communicating with WS after a divorce, then why not do it while we are still married?

So what we are doing may look like we are a doormat, but that is only during Plan A. When you start recovering is when you will get your needs met, then you don't feel like doormat anymore.

The question about details is a hard one. I remember the beginning. I wanted to know every gory detail. I didn't want anything left out. I think it's to give us a sense of control. If we are forgiving someone, we want to know exactly what we are forgiving. WS was smart, though, and only told me some basic facts. He talked more about what was going on with him and not about specific acts.

Now, I couldn't care less. I have imagined the worst and found a bit of the details from their text messages. I saw WS at his lowest. It was about 3 months after NC. He had a spiritual breakdown of sorts and I could see the hell he was dealing with. After that, I had no more questions.

I am doing pretty well with being supportive. I ask him how he is doing and if he is having a hard day or a good one. I have been writing him emails lately just to talk. It feels easier to discuss some things without being face to face. I don't go into the details of the A, it's more like just discussing some of the recovery issues and things I would like for us to do. E.G...Spending time together, the recovery checklist etc..

I am trying to meet his ENs. I think one of the big ones for him is admiration. He really seems upset with feeling like he did so much and I didn't seem to appreciate it. I really did appreciate everything he was doing but I wasn't very good at telling him. I try to do that more now and I try to make sure that he doesn't feel like he is on his own with taking care of our family financially either. I also think one of his big ENs is conversation, that one is harder to do because I will try to talk with him about any number of topics and he just isn't talkative to me yet. I think that by spending the 15+ hours together each week will help.

He isn't interested in sex either right now. He says he talked about it with the MC, and he feels better because the MC told him that is normal for right now and it will get better. His mood seems to be improving and I am trying to show him affection without being pushy or needy. When he is saying something that I feel is judgemental or just plain rude, I ask him if he meant to sound that way and that I took a certain way. I don't lose my temper or cry or stomp off to the other room. If what he said is completely off base, I tell him that I disagree with his opinion and why. I have to remember not to take a lot of this stuff personally. The fog is still hanging around in patches and that definately affects his mood and statements.

All in all, I am doing much better. WS says he is committed. He is talking about staying in our home and paying off the mortgage, which is do to be done in 12years. That tells me he plans on staying married. He doesn't talk about divorce anymore or what it would be like if we aren't together.

If we can continue improving our relationship, then I can hang in there for the long haul. I just don't want to revert back to the A and/or withdrawal. I think that I might actually be able to forgive and move on. I might even be able to forgive the OW someday but I am not going to worry about that for now. I want to focus on my M and the family.

One last thing. My DD is 14 and moody anyway. She has been giving me a hard time about alone time with WS. I have tried to tell her about the importance of that as well as family time. She basically told me that I am trying to ditch her and her brothers for alone time with WS. My take on it is that WS spoiled the kids somewhat before all this happened. He had a tendency to put them before me. He esp. is fond of our daughter. She is Daddy's little girl and she knows it. I feel that she is used to him doing whatever she wants without any conflict and now I am getting in the way. Any ideas for dealing with this?

Take care,
Loni

Hi loni...why dont you post over at GQII...you will get a lot of support over there, not that lph ISN"T giving you support...but different viewpoints might help!

I agree with Mom. It does sound like you guys are on the road to recovery. I can't get on here everyday and I know it's important to have support during this time. You might check out the Recovery board too and see which one you prefer. Hmmmm...maybe I should ask my WS to see what he was thinking in the beginning of recovery. It might help to see WS' side.

However, it does sound like you guys are on the right path. Don't worry about SF. Just keeping showing affection with hugs and kisses and you will get there.

I'm sorry to hear about DD. What time does WS get home from work? If there is only a couple of hours before bedtime, then I can see where DD may feel slighted. Make sure there is a balance in how WS is spending his time. As for you, how would you characterize your relationship with DD? Give her some extra love and attention. This has been rough for all of you. Just like you, she is unsure of the future. Make sure you have some time to chat about what has been going on and reassure all of your children that you and WS will always love them.

You do sound so much better, though. I just want to warn you that recovery has it's own rollercoaster. If you start to feel derailed, stay strong, it happens to everyone.

Sounds like our WS' are similar. Mine needs conversation and admiration as well. Someone suggested writing down 100 things you admire about your partner and tell them 3 of them a day. You might try that.

I'm very happy to hear how you are doing. I hope you will keep posting.

Thanks for the advice. I think I will post at one of the other sites. I really like you view lbc, so please continue to check for me.

How are you doing, Loni? Did you post on another forum?

The roller coaster has continued. He left for 9 days without any warning. He saw her on day 2. Apparently, she told him it was over although she will always love him. Gag. He talked to me Sunday for hours and said he was definately coming home, he just wanted to treat me the way I deserved to be treated and couldn't come home till then. I told him I disagreed with his decision but I would let it be. Up until the 4th day he was all about coming home. Then it changed to "if". The "when" was gone from his talks. I admit that I freaked. All I could think about is OMG this can't be over. He did come home but has been rude, irritable, angry, disrespectful. Occasionally he will seem OK but he can't say that he is staying, and he can't say if he wants to work things out or not. He says he is home to make sure the kids are OK. Of course, I thought he was coming home with the idea of "doing whatever you ask me to do". That is over too.

By the way, he did at least agree to go to Retrouvaille with me on 8/25 - 8/27. We are going to need a miracle. I just pray that God will give us one. I don't want a divorce but I have been through ****** for the last year and a half.

Loni,

Have you considered Plan B?

You must be hurting so much after his nine day absence and his sudden change of heart....he's fence-sitting still, maybe it's time.

Big Hugs, I know it's hard.....keep your chin up.

AVNL

Wow, I've just marked this thread. lbc's advice and support is so awesome. Loni- I'm so sorry!!!!!! I can't tell you.

Well here I am still going through this junk. MC is encouraging me to hang tight and stick with Plan A for now. He thinks plan B is a good thing if WH leaves again. I have consulted with a lawyer to check out the rules and expectations of a seperation or divorce. At least I know what I can do and not do.

The past few days have been better. I am currently tapping the phone so I will know if there is any calling from the house going on. I don't like being a spy. I do like knowing if he is being honest with me. I figure that if he is being honest, then no harm done.

I am working hard on plan A. I think he is beginning to realize that the other relationship can't work. He seems to think that if they had met before he was married that it would be ok, but they didn't. The kids hate her and they hate the situation. That definately puts a damper on his "dreams". A step family is hard enough without the kids already hating the step mom.

The big problem on this end is the ongoing contact that we can't avoid. Her kids and my kids are best friends. They attend the same school. They are in the same after school activities. He is never going to be able to avoid seeing her for a long stretch of time to finish withdrawal. We can't move do to the job situation. Also, he flat out refuses to leave the area.

I keep praying for her to hook up with someone else and give up on him. I also keep praying for the fog to lift so he can clearly see what he has at home. Sometimes he seems like himself and he talks about how good I am and all my qualities that he likes. Then the fog decends and I am all the negatives that he imagines. He can't say that I am a certain way, only that I could be, or would be. E.G. hateful, mean, etc...

All my prayers go out to everyone going through this and I know that your prayers are with me too. Take care and stay strong.