Could we get some expert help for Dani? Her WH is threatening suicide, breaking terms of bail, and does have a gun. While it might be a bluff to draw her back into the A drama, it could be for real.

Is there anyone who's dealt with this kind of situation?

Dani,

Please listen to AM and call the police with your concerns. They WILL handle it. This is there arena, truly!

You have a responsibility right now to your kids and to yourself.

Make sure you and your babies are safe, and let the police handle the rest.

Oh Dani, I am so very, very sorry you must deal with this.

dani----you said he has your phone numbers but not your address?? type your phone number into google and see if it produces your address....for most it does!!! it wouldnt be that hard to find out where you live sweetie. you are in danger and you are allowing your children to be in danger also. if there were no kids involved i would say have at it, your an adult....you have to live with your own choices. however with kids involved their safety is number one on the priority list.....do this for them!

Okay, I'll blink first. I always do.

It's been two days. Last we heard from her, her WH was threatening suicide, breaking his bail terms, had a gun, etc. OW was whacko from Day 1.

Has anyone heard from Dani? Is anyone in touch with her? Is she okay?

Yeah Dani, whats going on? I've been wondering if everythings OK myself.

I sent her an e-mail 2 or 3 days ago, just to say hi and to introduce myself to her... she responded yesterday... I'll send another out..

Jamie

I repeat: has anyone heard from Dani?

I have her e-mail address- however the last time she E-mailed me was Friday. I will try to contact her that way. I will let you know if I hear anything.

Thank you all for thinking of me, and I am sorry that you were worrying...

I am OK. The past few days have been really hectic and I am not sure what to do anymore...

I feel like no decision I make will be the 'right' thing to do. My sole job right now is to protect the kids, and I won't stop short of that. Other then that, I feel like I am in limbo. I can't make up my mind, and I don't feel like anything I would do would be the best thing. This probably doesn't make much sense...

Danielle

good to hear from you Dani. Actually to me what you said made perfect sense.

By the way you have mail

Post when you have time.

I wrote to her yesterday and gave her my home and cell number as well as my email....and alot of advice..

to resound a few other posters here, this is not a mb issue as of now.

and yes, I am too worried...

dani, I read your short post...and I am not sure what you are confused about...you say you're protecting your kids, but how? what positive steps have you taken to protect them from a man who is doing anything but being protective and loving to his family? he's suicidal, or a great manipulator...he's a cheater...he's stood beside a violent mistress and placed her over you and your kids...he's placed you and the kids in harms' way more than once...he's withheld funds from your account as punishment for holding him accountable for his affairs...

and you're confused? Like I emailed to you, he's not the same man right now...and he's not to be trusted. I do not know what is confusing right now.

I am going to ask you if you are presently in contact with him...your words change when you are..the strength is not as resolute..

I hurt like hell after and during my divorce...it was something I did not want to do. but there was no alternative . I gave darth time after time chance after chance and he only got progressively worse. and he showed many of the same signs that your wh has shown..the issue of money and punishment, the violent incidents, the demands, the belittling of you and denying everything that he once took vows to uphold.

one day I came to that point and could not compromise my son's life anymore. even though I knew it'd be rough, it had to be done.

am I alone here? Or does anybody think mb'ing is good when you've got a serial cheating, abusive (both verbally and potentially physical) wh and ow, man who is deliberately compromising the safety of his kids with outrageous stunts, witholding funds to harm the financial status of his family just because his w will not hold him blameless for his affairs, and a man who owns a gun who has threatened harm to himself...? Can any MB'ing go on here? No. Not if you're honest.

Now is the time to get real and get honest dani...you're seriously codependent on this man...and it's ok. I was too...but WAS is the key phrase here. You have to learn how to detach from the chaos...I told you that in the email. And I think you're depressed also. And that's normal too considering the stress you're in.

Just a few weeks ago, when he was away, you were stronger, you were starting a new life for yourself...and whammo! you move back to where HIS family is, as though it would give new support to the M, and he's back too...is it any wonder where an out of work, no home, walking the block wh would go if his wife threw him out? He'd run home to either ow or to mommy and daddy enabler. You moved right back to chaos central. and I am being radically honest with you.

If you're not in contact with him, your words and actions would reflect it...not this "I don't know what to do" stuff...you know what to do...and he's saying just enough to give you just enough psuedo hope to think he is thinking a teeny bit about change...and I will bet he has said "but you've got some changing to do before I come home." classic wh/cheater fog/cakeating talk.

Unless this man commits himself to the care of a psychiatrist and is found clinically sane, or is placed in a facility for treatment, I would not take his word. Unless a firm NC is placed beside that committment to regaining his mental health, I would say rubbish. How many spouses/families have been killed by their outta control other spouse? Lots. Unless this guy is willing to let his parents or you commit him, get the help he desperately needs, and agrees to nc, I wouldn't speak to the man personally. And as for you, you know what you need to do on your end...get to a women's shelter. get name of a good therapist. learn why you're so desperately codependent on him and learn HOW to identify what is making you codependent and how to cope with it, and get on some antidepressants, you won't feel better either.

Youre in classic bs fog right now. You're deluding yourself if you think one inch shy of what I told you is good enough to take the man back. and being a good mom is making sure the kids are 100 percent safe...there is NO safety in protecting them unless you get temporary full custody with a legal separation in order. their dad can come and get them anytime..soothing thought huh? and he can get them with ow and it's not a crime...heck, r.o is in place against ow with regards to YOU. You need peace. YOu need real safety.

I am being tough because I walked in similar shoes...and it was at the end, even rougher than yours. and I made it out. and I made a few mistakes along the way, and I walked thru hell and back. but it can be done. and you can end up ok...and you can do the best for your kids..

are you doing the best for them now? are you doing the best for you? or are YOU just as addicted to something like your H is addicted to an ow? being a codependent is being a passive enabler.

also to add...dani, I learned from my old counselor exactly WHY I was scared to divorce my now xh..

here it goes:
fear of lack of money
afraid I couldn't get a good enough job b/c he'd WITHOLD FUNDS FROM ME (sound familiar)
because he told me I was "ugly, stupid, and who'd want me anyway...you're not 25 anymore (same age ow2 was)
fear I'd never be in a relationship again
fear my son would never get over it (kids pay a higher price if they see their mom or dad get treated abusively or disrespectfully for years on end...it ruins them )
and basically..just fear itself.

I was afraid of being alone. but I was not. I just perceived myself to be. It was all pretty much irrational fear. Geez...I haven't said this in over a year...she said it was like bunjee jumping off a cliff. You are scared silly, but you just jump off, and realize that life is a rush and that the view is totally different. It's the fear of the jump itself that is the most frightening. and yes, my son has me 60 percent and my xh 40 perc. but my son does NOT see his mom be disrespected, yelled at, belittled, or cheated on anymore. He sees a mom who's strong, is the best mom I can be at all times, and puts my son first when he is with me. It's not perfect. The picket fence fell down. But it can be rebuilt again differently and with stronger wood next time so it will stand around my little home. And that home comes with one strong mom in it, a precious little boy, two dogs, a parrot, a hamster...and if one day a man of integrity inhabits that home along with them, then it's incidental because my life is already complete...

Just Peachy- I could have wrote those reasons, thank you for writing them, I needed to read them tonight.... Thanks for showing me that I am afraid to jump...but the rush and outcome will be worth it.

JustPeachy,
Thank you for the post and e-mail. I will reply to the e-mail in a bit..


I am protecting my children by limiting what I say around them. I am protecting them by keeping my WHs current drama out of their lives, by letting them see their family, without him around, and by being the best Mom that I can be.


He isn't confusing me. I know how he is right now, and although I would like more from him, I don't expect it. I am confused about what my next step is going to be. I am confused about how to handle living so close to them.


I have not spoken to him since Thursday morning..when he was appoligizing for 'missing the kids'
I have talked to his Mom and visited her at work, but not him.

I had always planned to move back home. I did this to be closer to my family, and yes, his family as well. I did this because the only reason I lived afar is because WH was int he military, and because I just plain and simple wanted to 'go home'.
I had no idea that WH would also come here. He had told me that he was staying in Virginia, then moving to Indiana, then staying in Virginia. I guess I always knew it was a possibility though.
My kids are doing 100% better in Maine though, so I don't regret it.

As far as legally...

Maine does not have a waiting period for divorce. Maine also does not grant custody of children without a divorce, unless the parents are unmarried. In order to get any sort of legal custody, I would need to file, and finalize a divorce. Maybe I should, that is what I am 'confused' about. Maine Legal Aid will not get me a lawyer (or anyone for that matter) unless the spouse has obtained one. They feel that unless he has a lawyer, I should be fine in the court room. I am not sure what is best at this point, or what I want to do.

Basically, I am not sure what more to do to protect my children and myself. The autorities know of his previous altercations and he does not know where I live. I do not plan on having a 'friendship' with him either.

I feel 'stuck'. I am not in the place to be filing for a divorce, so I sit here...and wait.

Danielle

I wanted to add that I have been on Zoloft for about 3 months now (50Mg) and started seeing a therapist last month.


As far as an 'update' on WH. The last time I talked to him was Thursday. He called to say he was sorry for missing the kids on Wednesday night, and asked me for help with wording on his resume. He said he was going to call me back Thursday night, but never did. Apparently he left Thursday, on foot. His truck was at his parents house until Sunday morning at 4:30 am when he returned to his parents. He slept until 2pm and then got up to eat dinner with his family and watch movies. Then he borrowed my MILs truck at about 7pm, when he returned he took his truck and left. Monday when my MIL went to go to work she found 3 trash bags full of my WHs clothes in the back. It is obvious where he had to go with her truck. My MIL said he has been cold and short about everything, and doesn't offer up any information. He doesn't discuss anything with her, and when she brings up things he is snappy. He still has no job...
I got a copy of the police reports, and photos taken on 4/17....quite disturbing to say the LEAST.
OW states that their relationship has been violent since the beginning, OW was on the phone with her husband when my WH returned to the home....
If this is true, which we all know it is, WHY does he feel so indebted to her? That is the question my MIL keeps asking....but no one has an answer. He wants to 'help her' because he sees 'something good in her'.

My MIL does not allow the OW or her kids at her house, or around her at all. My MIL works at a bank, in a little strip mall. Apparently the OW has been tanning at the salon RIGHT NEXT to the bank for a few weeks. This is NOT the closest, or cheapest salon by any means. The OW parks right next to my MILs truck, and walks slowly by the window as if she is trying to prove something. I told my MIL that is 'sick'.

My son has his first t-ball game today at 5pm. He is really excited. However, the sky is gray and it is COLD out. Yikes.

Danielle

glad to hear you're on zoloft...it takes several weeks to get 2 pharma steady state in your body...I think lexapro is great...alot of my patients have used it and seeing that success made me get a presc. for it during my divorce...it has less side effects and gets to steady state quicker. and glad to see you're seeing a therapist.

you can file for a legal separation in most states...they will recognize that as a period where you're not living as married, yet want separate finances, and custody issues can be worked on as a pre=divorce issue.

it's great to have the IL's on your side now, but remember...what I said...even the best intending IL's turn out to be chronic enablers..most of them do. and it's sad. do what I've said, pep said, and go reeeeally dark. I would be sweet, kind, but vague as to my life and where I will be, when, etc. He is capable of anything, your wh.

and I am wondering...after reading the ow's words, in the court statement..why in the heck, you'd let a man with a violent present and past have any contact...please continue to do a real plan b and go dark...but it's not about a or b or anything now...it's seriously broken here and YOU cannot fix this. He is defective, mentally defective now and dangerous.

sounds like he's in ow withdrawal right now...see? No wondrous change. He's sad b/c she said NO MORE CAKE FOR YOU...that's all. he skips his child's game, and runs away...coming home to mom and dad all moody, angry and pouting..yea, all the hallmarks of a wonderful dad huh?

and yes, being married to somebody ill and irresponsible can even ruin your credit..I oughta know. I was held responsible for my xh's vehicle...a very expensive ultra top of the line suv...he allowed to willingly get repo'd to punish me and my future financially...there is a price to pay when you see the writing on the wall and you refuse to act.

I know you're sad. You're mourning. and it's ok. what is it you're afraid of? what is your fear regarding starting over? if this guy does what he has to do and commits himself, gets help, changes, he can always find you later when he is HEALTHY. he's really sick now and it's not somebody who can be fixed even overnight and it is NOT your job to fix him...that is the codependent view...fix what's his problem...you can do it if you love enough. wrongo.

i am not a codependent, but I am in healthcare...we are "fixers and healers"...we think we can reason with patients, help them get healthy, and think it can trickle down into our personal lives also...and that's wrong. I am not and was not able to fix my xh...

ex: today I have a very seriouly ill guy w/cancer...he's angry at the world..he swears, yells, and cannot undergo his last round of chemo unless he has a test I am to perform to show the viability of his heart muscle..how it's working..he fights me, threatens me, and yells at me...all the while I am trying to reason w/him and get him to see it's either be on our side, work with me, or else he will face certain death without the chemo...I tried and tried...was empathetic, a good listener, showed loving and caring and he still refused...this man basically chose to refuse life...he is passively sentencing himself to death ok? that's just like a ws does..and many people who are codependent are trying to save their ws from themselves...but you cannot.

so I cancelled his exam...and shook my head and walked away.

sometimes you have no other choice to do anything but walk away.

wisdom is knowing when...and wisdom also tells you to know when something is broken beyond repair. as is, it is just that. and it's not up to you to change that. this is why you have to decide what is right, good, and when the proper timing is. My divorce took so long because my xh lied and wouldn't produce financial documents...I filed within six months after separation when I saw he failed to change or go into a real nc with the owomen....when I saw it was killing parts of me to stay with him...I told him via email the day I filed that unless he is willing to do the following (and I stated basically my plan b requirements once more) that I would proceed ahead without any regret as I had nothing to look back to, and only a good life to look ahead towards.

my grandmother had a stroke last week...it's hard when you don't have somebody strong to lean on..then I remembered that he was never the strong one...it was ME all along. and I prayed for her and held my son and we prayed together. You're just looking at life a bit differently still.

There is nothing to fear, except when you just take the leap...it's the fear of the leap that is most frightening.

If you leave things with a caring and decent spirit, leaving with both respect and honor for your marriage, then your wh/stbxh will not have anger or regret to you when he does wake up...if he is ever healed this is. I know...my xh does. but it was far too late to me.

I think the reason I still come here is so that I can help somebody out who was in the same shoes I was once in...

and I can also tell you...if you wait too long to pursue legal matters, the opportunities can slip away...I had so much on my xh and if it had gone immediately thru the courts initially, I'd not be working full time now..I'd have a much better settlement. I'd probably have full custody of my son..Instead, I put the brakes on for six months after filing to first court date...thinking the divorce would scare the bejesus out of him. not. He used that time to line up his ducks, and hide monies and gave it to my once wonderful IL's to hoard. He had his company lie about his income. He had ME followed once by a PI but to no avail...as I am guilty of nothing except living a decent life. He broke in my house...and stole a very expensive piece of jewelry I could have sold and still had a nice nest egg out of. and was able to buy buy buy his justice and custody because of the commodity of time.

when time is on your side, do not snub your nose at it. you've got him by the cajones. you can assure you will get full custoyd and support. (even though mr. not at all wonderful doesn't work yet). You can write things on your terms...trust me, when the ws gets more wayward or nuts or angry, you'll wish you could have had things where the sane parent and sane adult makes the decisions without having to discuss things with a ws...I have to do that and it stinks having to still from time to time have contact with and confer with a WS about how to raise my child. plus if the ow ever decides she wants him back, this would dictate who and when and what your children are around...you can say "not them..she's violent..he is also." You can protect kids when it's legally spelled out and not all in shades of legalese grey.

If I thought honestly that MB ing could work...I'd suggest it. but because of his altered status, and his nonrepentant spirit, I'd give it not really any chance as of now...again, that part is up to him and you can't put your life on hold to wait for the golden "what if".

I have been on Zoloft for a few months now. I thought it was working well at first, but I am not so sure...
I haven't seen a doctor since my WH got out of the military other then the therapist. I will look into getting an appointment tomorrow to talk about upping my meds or maybe changing them.


Maine does not normally recognize a legal separation. There is no wait for divorce, and they normally only do temporary orders of support and custody during the 60 day period that the divorce takes. I can't afford an attorney, so I am going this alone. The state offers legal aid in the form of a 'help line'. You can schedule a lawyer to call you and ask general questions. They can help you get ready for a court date, or fill out papers. The legal aid only has a lawyer represent you if the spouse has a lawyer as well. I had scheduled a help line call about a month ago and the date is for tomorrow. I am going to ask about filing out the income portion of the child support papers (for my WHs part) and also about if there is ANY possibility in filing for a legal separation to work out these things before a divorce. When I asked the legal aid workers they said no. We will see.

I am not scared of being alone, or starting over per say. I am already alone. He hasn't 'been there' for me since August. I have always had the hope of him being able to be there for me eventually, and I think that hope has kept me going. It is the hope of tomorrow that keeps me alive today. I am not afraid of starting over financially, I am already doing that. In a way I am afraid of ever being with someone else, yes. I don't want to do that. I don't want to share my inner thoughts and feelings with anyone else, ever. My WH and I have been through so much, and grown so much together. I don't want to share that part of me with anyone else. Only he knows me...inside and out. I made a vow to him, to myself, to my children and to the Lord. I am not ready to throw that away. I also don't want to feel like I 'gave up'. Another fear is that once we are divorced, he can marry the OW, and I will loose a lot of my pull with my children.

Danielle

This morning I got a call from my MILs house. It was about 8am and I was busy getting the kids up and dressed so I didn't answer. It was WH, and he left a message. Basically saying, he was 'ready to do NC, and be a father, he was sick of the life he was living and wanted to change, he is sorry for everything. I have been the opne who has believed in him and he misses being a family...and to call him'

Boy he is confusing!
Danielle

I don't think this OW will go quietly.