Here is the thing I finnanly "got it" about plan A when someone said to me that I dont want to do anything that he can run to the ow and complain about. so i'm wokring on those things. i'm working on me. and honestly since i found out about the attmepted contact i've felt less anxous now that i've "assumed" he is in contact wtih her. less worrying about everytime i call if he was on the other line. i just figure its a very good possiablity and thats it.


But i need help meeting his needs. here is a list of his basic needs i sould like some advice regarding these if anyone has any good suggestisons.

1. RESPECT this is probably the most improtant one that he says he needs. but i dotn kow how to do it. b/4 this all started i gave him an appreciation letter and tried to tell him all the nice things i dont tell enough. once this all started he claimed thats not what he needs by respect. I dont know. i am not disrepectful or put him down or anythign. i would say i do respect him!

2. SF: his deal now is that he is done intiating he thinks he has been the only one to intiate! so it is all in my hands. (which i have a hard time intitating) but am wokring on it. I just dont feel its a fair situation to put it all on me. but i have to ge tpast that and just intiatie it i guess.

3. he wants me to greet him when he comes home from work. for some reason this has always been hard and feels fake for me to stop whatever i'm doing and run to the door for a kiss as soon as he walks in. (remember now that he gets home even later hes walking in the door about 11-12:30 at night) so usually i'm laying on the couch or something to that effect.


I am trying to make this a special weekend! our anniversary is thursday we both work so tonight i'm going to get take out for him at re dlobster (his fav!!!) and then have it ready when he gets home. then we will go to lunch and a movie tommrowo. and at the end of the month were going away for 2 nights.

Plan A is about you not the WS. You don't want to meet the WS' needs..... you want to meet your H's needs. Do you see the difference? Be nice to your spouse but not to the WS.

Why have an anniversary with a WS? That even sounds stupid to a WS and isn't pleasant for a BS either. I know, our 10th anniversary has many unpleasant memories and that was before d/d.

L.

ML25,

ENs were my biggest hurdle upon arriving at MB.

I was the BS...and I am supposed to do everything in my power to "be nice" and meet the ENs of this woman who had just ripped my heart out!!?? Wasupwidat?

I would think (and still sometimes do) "Man, being the WS is a no lose sitch. They get to have their fling, then we BS's have to do all we can to schmooze and snuggle them back into our loving arms."

But detaching from the personal emotions, it is the best logical step for saving the M.

In my case she dropped OM like a hot rock on Dday. I did not have the heartache of the OM still being in the picture...except for the movies in my head, of course, which still show up now and then.

But I still tried hard to fill her EN's, which supposedly the lack of, led her to the OM in the first place. (I say supposedly because there are different thoughts on this subject which I have read.)

As far as your Hs ENs;

1 Respect has to be earned, does it not? And how can respect be shown after what he has done? I guess try not to dis-respect him..no LBs.

2 and 3 are easy to do. You initiating SF can be done. And getting up off the couch to greet him at the door can be easily done.

The W initiating SF is every red blooded H's desire. This could be tied into the respect EN.

Meeting him at the door seems a little extreme (childish?), but, hey, an EN is an EN, right? Either that or get a cute little dog to do it.

As far as the anniversary preparations, go for it. Couldn't hurt, and if the EN's are met, specially for the 2 night get away, it will be a good thing.

Hope this helps.

k

EXCELLENT!

So true...but hard to do!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am so confused. I thought i should be trying to meet his needs. I mean all i know is he attempted contact. i think he'd be pretty shocked if i stopped putting effort into our marriage "recovery" I mean i knwo he tried to contact her but I have no idea if there is an A going on. like i said he is still coming home on time and is accountable. the only iffy time is when he is at work.!

I thought i should be suppliying his needs in teh Plan A. I'm so lost if i should even be in plan A. I just want to save my marriage. any ideas. Tahnks!!!

ML25,

You want to plan A which is meeting his ENs. That is what you must do. NO LOVE BUSTERS which could drive him to the OW. You should be meeting his emotional needs as best you can. This is plan A, what confusion do you feel on this subject?

Do you know the OW? Is she married? The next step after getting those ENs met is exposing the A to whoever is important to the OW or WS to help end the contact. If she is married you expose to her spouse ASAP! Same if she has a boyfried or fiance. Contact must stop before any healing can begin.

You are doing fine! Hang in there. Try to be calm and even aloof in your plan A...no blubbering!

k