Speaking for myself....

The sadness on this board is very very real.

Some is obvious sadness.
Communicated in a very clear way. For instance:

Faithinme's story. We all know it. We all held our breath with anticipation as she lifted herself upwards higher and higher during her valient plan A. We felt her struggle. We witnessed her anger. We bit our own nails, and perhaps slapped our own forehead with emotional reactions as if we were ~there~ along side FIM. Her rollercoaster was up and down, and the interested boardmembers (seems like everyone here mostly) rode along with FIM. She in the front car (the one with the scariest view) and the rest of us in the cars behind her. What a ride! Who among us did not secretly wish to get her "dork" alone in a room for five minutes? (my fantasy was holding an air horn to his face, which I would blast whenever he tried to bullllshyyyt me) ~LOL~ Just as an attention grabber, you understand <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And with posters like FIM, the sadness is not the only real emotion we share with her, so are the lighter moments, the funny moments, the touching tender moments. FIM's victories of personal triumph are also experienced as ~real~ by the rest of us. This is, in part I think, because she is a gifted storyteller. But also, I think, because she is honest and forthright, and this makes her and her story ~real~ to us.

There is another sort of sadness on the board too. It is not so obvious because it is covert. It is disguised as something else. It hides. It pretends. In many ways, this secret/covert sadness is even worse than the really horrible sadness of a poster like FIM.

FIM got lots of support for her situation. Because it was expressed and was *out there* for anyone to take ahold of and share with her.

The secretive covert sad ones here on MB are like shadows. Their story is not told. Their sadness is locked up inside their own shame. Their sadness has no *name*. It's like the scary character in a film described as, "The name we never speak".

How can something we never speak of find it's way out of the painful box of shame and secrecy?

Something with no name, something hiding behind false names, has no ~real~ expression. There is no community support for this hidden sadness.

Where are the small/medium/large victories of this hidden sadness?

.... sadly, nowhere to be found.

I was thinking about this today and last night.

How sad it must be to feel that the way to live is a shadow existance. That to be real flesh and bone and raw is too risky.

A pretend world, like living in a Barbie house. Plastic furnishings, and plastic emotions.

As painful and as sad as FIM's story is .... she is dealing with ~real~ issues .... honestly .... and her life will move forward with these things ....

~ lessions learned about herself
~ respect for herself
~ found strength
~ found bravery
~ found confidence

ALL these things are the result of being ~real~

NONE of these things are found by a shadow , a Barbie princess, or anyone hiding from their real identity.

How does healing begin?

First and formost by being ~ R E A L ~

My heart hurts for the shadows amongst us.

Too frightened of themselves to ever risk being ~real~.

The comfort zone never extends beyond the most recent lie.

Life as a series of hidden hurts never discussed.

Pretending to be someone you are not must be the lonliest hurt ever.

I am so sorry for you.

Sincerely,

Pep

Wow, Pep that is sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I read FIM's update with mixed feelings of sadness for her WH and joy for her personal growth. I am in awe of her and her ability to express herself.

FF .... just keep being ~real~ with yourself and others.

Because without that ... you have nothing. Because nothing gets done by a shadow.

OK?

Pep

If it is not possible to be ~ real ~ on an anonymous internet message board, imagine how much harder it must be in life, up close and personal.

It makes me sad.

and I am really sorry too.


Susan

The best thing that ever happened to me was the discovery of my A. For the first time in a long time I am real and not hiding from the truth. Very freeing to have my chains off.

Hi Pep,

"" The secretive covert sad ones here on MB are like shadows. Their story is not told. Their sadness is locked up inside their own shame. Their sadness has no *name*. It's like the scary character in a film described as, "The name we never speak". ""

I first thought the "shadow people" you were going to refer to are the lurkers and the posters whose whole stories are not told, the people who are unable to post the details of their own struggles and journeys for so many different reasons that it could probably fill a 10-page thread.

As I read further, I thought the "shadow people" you were referring to are those whose experience here at MB is just as ~real~ as their double lives in RL while in an affair or after an undisclosed affair is over or on hiatus.

Did I understand correctly?

Yes, you understand me.

Pep

That was an incredibly loving post Pepperband.

It took me a few months on this board, reading your posts to really understand how truly compassionate you are.

You really care about people. I suppose that is why you are also in the medical field.

I am amazed by this post, and the depth of compassion.

I hope it reaches those who need to read it.

It really touched me so I suppose I need to take a good hard look at myself and see what I may be hiding, if only from myself.

Dang, it does make me feel guilty too, about a decision I am trying to make but not ready to share with this board. Just the thought of sharing it on this board makes me feel queasy.

I'm sure it is plain what it is, but I don't want to talk about it now. Just don't want it to be a deep dark secret that makes me feel guilty, and shadowlike.

Weaver

ALL of us have been in the shadow world ... that is why we recognize that living there full time is miserable ... and too sad for words.

Pep

Pep
Theres a third category of 'shadow scizophrenic'. I can understand people using created personalities on such an anonymous forum in order to work out issues: in order to empathise. That kind of role play is useful in many situations, work, life, marriage.

But if such a construct is used for entertainment purposes, drawing the heartfelt advice and sympathies of well meaning people hereon, such is low behaviour and is indicative of some very real problems within IMO. I wonder which of those personalities is the closest to the facts ? Do you ?

I am still surprised the candour with which I have offered up lifes details to folks here, and also the candour of others.

I guess its like seeing a doctor: we're not ashamed to get naked with a doctor because only then can we start to be treated properly.

"I'm sure it is plain what it is, but I don't want to talk about it now. Just don't want it to be a deep dark secret that makes me feel guilty, and shadowlike."

weaver, there is a BIG difference between being ~real~ while needing to keep certain details off this public forum and not disclosing "secrets" because it would expose the ~real~ you.

I have found that there is a loneliness that accompanies having to keep most of my struggles and triumphs off board. I got teary when I thought Pep was talking about ~real~ people like me, but I cried ~real~ tears that ran down my face for the people she was actually referring to because I can't imagine the depth of the loneliness they must feel having to keep "secrets" from themselves and, therefore, from others. That's a loneliness that I would find unbearable.

Pep

Good post.

I have spent much of my life perhaps even all of it not wanting to be me. In my childhood I was always someone else, usually Lash LaRoo or Cheyenne (or some other cowboy). As I got older I became my friends. I dressed like them, talked like them and acted like them. I didn't like my dark skin so I scrubbed and scrubbed to make it lighter...I ended up with a nice clear complexion but the same color (sigh). I didn't like being taller than my friends so I tried stooping a little to be not so obvious. I loved to sing until my brother told me "you sound like a girl", now some have even said I have a nice voice, that I am tall dark and well you know...I don't believe them... I look in the mirror and it is still me.

I tried lots of stuff. Hair "relaxer" Because my hair is wavy, "razor cuts" but it still goes boing... so I try to keep it fairly short...it makes it easier to comb...now it's grey forget it if they don't love me they don't love me my hair color, skin color or height won't make a difference.

I got very good at being able to say and do what pleased others. I agreed with everybody except me. I did it for so long that "me" was left far behind on some long past street corner. I was what ever was popular and I believed what those around me believed. I grew hair on my face because others had it on theirs...I'm lucky they didn't want warts.

So I am very familiar with shadows. My problem wasn't with others it was with you know who.

I am trying to be ~real~ especially with Mrs H and everyone here. MB has helped to be real and to know what real is. You Dr. Pepperband have helped me to know what real is, reminded me when I wasn't and patted me on the back when I was.
H

"To thine own self be true." Those are very sweet words to my ears and I understand very well what you mean, Pep. To not be real is the greatest personal insult we can inflict upon ourselves. We are telling ourselves that we are not worthy, not good enough to be real, to show ourselves to the world. To hide is self condemnation, self hatred.

I remember those days well, and I also remember that I was hypersensitive to supposed "slights" from others, but never seemed to notice that the greatest "slight" came from the lady in the mirror.

Yes, I wonder too.

I think the risk of living as a shadow too long is ....

after awhile there is no way out because the ~real self~ ceases to exist .... and this brings tears to my eyes.

Life is so good. Even the pain is good.

Love ya Bob!

Pep

LB,

Yes, the difference between secrets and privacy.

It took me forever to understand the concept behind that, even though 2lon gdid his best.

Hiker your post about made me cry. You could be describing most of the teens/people in town, myself included. Especially the singing part. LOL

I feel like putting up a sign in my DD's bedroom saying "do you want to be popular, or do you want to be real?".

In fact maybe I will.

Hiker

thank you for being yourself

Pep

What I see at the bottom looks like this:

"If you ever knew the ~real~ me
you could never love me."

the dilemma is

without being ~real~ with those we want to love us

is being loved ever possible?

Pep

Thanks, Pep, for your thoughtful post. I reads like it came from a very loving place. I hope that those amongst us that are truly in the 'shadows' will be encouraged to be 'real'.

That is the way that they can better benefit from their participation as well as be of help to others.

Pep - GREAT POST - and something to think about. I think many of us were so tied up in our jobs, raising kids, being a spouse, and the day to day struggle, that we never find out who we really are.

Before D-day, I was mostly a mom-wife-cook-homemaker-worker, in other words WH's helpmate, Dan, Eddie, Crystal, Aaron, Candy, Jen, Kimi, and Loreli's mom, the link to the rest of the family, planner of parties and get togethers. Also nana to Emily, Jordan, Ethan, Sarah, Jadie, Sheena, Nieci, and Jakey.

You get the point. Now that many of my roles have been pulled out from under me, I have had to figure out who the real me is. And, by gosh, I'm a PERSON, with my own wants and needs. It has been very exciting. My life is taking a completely different direction.

So Pep, I will let you know the real me - once I figure out who she is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Believer,
You have such a big family!
I have been a mom to my now 3 grown kids and dealing with their growing up through most of their teen years during H's A(s). They were my focus for so long then I've had a bit of the empty nest feelings. Well, a couple of them are living at home again for a while. Our daugher is in college, the other is doing some remodeling on his house (slowly). He has only been home for a month or so. H and I had just started to enjoy having the house to ourselves.

There are times that I felt like I lost myself during the many years I focused on my H's A's and the saving of our marriage. I still need to find the 'real' me beside the FBS me that became my existence for so long. I felt I had to be so vigilent in my PTSD identity. Early in his most serious A life seemed so surreal. It was like living in a nightmare.

So, I am still looking for who I want my real me to be in a more light filled, positive today and tomorrow. I still need to work on changing my self talk...and subconscious. Just started a book, 'Power of Your Subconscious Mind'. Several years ago, I read 'How to Conquer Negative Emotions' which helped.