Trix -

I think I have the empty nest syndrome too. My WH and I had such a struggle raising these kids. Then when they were mostly out, he moved on to his OW.

However, it is completely exciting to figure out what to do next. I feel (like the Bible says) that I have run the good race. I did my best for a long, long time.

Now I am moving on. I still work outside of the home, but have been doing lots of volunteer work. I am thinking about going on a mission to Oaxaca in the next year or so.

Hope you and your husband can go on and do wonderful things.

Pep,

As usual you have touched our hearts and helped many who feel helpless. I really appreciate your description of what c/b also described in the harsh cold terms of 'conflict avoiders'. It c/b a WS, BS, parent, sibling, relative, co-worker, neighbor, etc. The sad piece is when we teach it to our children and create more havoc for others.

Many on this board as many in life face this type of dipilating challenge. It is possible to overcome this mental illness which holds so many captive and keeps many just inches short of success and happiness.

Not sure if this is the direction your post was headed but that is my take on it.

I love your care, grace and inner beauty (can't id the physical beauty since I haven't seen a pix yet, but I am sure the 2 inner and outer beauty complement each other quite well). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the good work. We are all reading and learning.

Aloha from the heart,
L.

Orchid, don't know HOW you managed to miss our picture.

Suz <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes I wonder if plan A didnt suck the real me out the door. After living a nightmare for so long I feel like I dont know who I am, who H is, what I want or need. The thought haunts me, was our whole life and feelings and memories a lie? Are my good memories even valid anymore? It seems i connect our family get togethers and trips to his sneaking off to call the ow, or that he took her to the same places. I want to know who the real me is, but I dont know how to find her. All I have are unhappy emotions and confusion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Where?!?!? Been kinda brain dead with all this working if not 24/7 then something like 17/7 literally.

Ok, so where's the pix? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Being a true YANK...not much in to country...
but here is a song I love..
that haunts me when I hear it..

I can not find a link for you to hear it...
so if someone else can cool...do so...see what ya think...

Sara Evans ROSEMARY'S GRANDAUGHTER...


if I live to be a hundred
and never see the living wander
that'll be alright
if I make it to the big leages
if I never win a grammy
I will be just fine
cause I know exactly who I am

CHorus
I am rosemary's grandaughter
spinning image of my father
and when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
sometimes I am foolish and I am clumsy
but I have friends that love me
and they know just where i stand
it is all apart of me and that is who i am

so when I make a big mistake
when I fall flat on my face
I will be just fine
should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those tear drops going
I will be alright
cause I know exactly who I am

Love that song...

ARK^^

Shelly, I don't know if you are a religious person or not... so I'll try to approach this from the secular...

The way I see it is this... life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes they're big ups, sometimes they're big downs. These challenges, trials that life gives us have the potential to be EXTREMELY uncomfortable, but it is my belief that if we hold to our faith (if not in God, then at least in ourselves) and meet the challenges head on, that we will come out the other side as much stronger, wholer people.

To be sure that infidelity causes damage, but whereever there is damage, there is an opportunity to heal. Where there is an opportunity to heal, there is an an opportunity to rebuild a better self than was there before. We exercise our faith in our selves and like a muscle, the more it's worked, and strained, the stronger and more resiliant it becomes.

Have faith in yourself, dear Shelly. Time passes inexorably, nothing lasts forever. There will be an end to this and you have the choice to come out the other side as a shining testament to your own faith and stregnth.

Do not fear this pain. Do not run from it. Face it head on and cherish it because through it you can find a you that is stronger, more loving, more resilient than you ever imagined.

Take care,

dewt

Orchid:

Here

Sorry Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Dewt. I just have to get up off my behind (i've been knocked down for awhile) and try to make myself happy instead of waiting for H to do it for me. If nothing else, this thread provoked a lot of thought in me about how I feel about myself and how i want others to view me. Thanks Pep.

TWINS!?!?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You got it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That's why she calls me "sista" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Susan,

That pix was cute. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately neither of you look like you were ever a BS..... u 2 look like to gals having 2.... much fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok Pep, back to you.....need your input on my previous post regarding your initial post. As always, your input is valuable.

Aloha,
L.

Aloha Orchid !


Well dang if this isn't interesting !

I have received emails from some MB'ers who are just sure as hayul this post was directed specifically at them !!!

It has been so interesting to read the different interpretations of my meaning.

But back to what you said Orchid: Conflict avoidance came up on the walk (3 miles thank-you-very-much) my H and I took last evening. We discussed some of the things he hears in his AA meetings and they are very similar to some of the MB stories we read here.

And we talked about how there is a time and a place for conflict, not to mention a technique involved as well.

And, just as every pancake, no matter how thin, has 2 sides.... most things in life have 2 sides as well ....there is a time and a place for conflict avoidance as well ! donchaknow ...

I think selected conflict is where it's at .... but this is a theory I am currently working on. (best thinking done in the shower BTW)

Selected conflict avoidance may be a life-saver at times .... or a sanity-saver at the very least.

I choose my battles with my kids. And it has definitely worked to my advantage. I am learning to choose my battles in other areas as well. I no longer even mention to dear Mr. Pep that he has, for the two-millionth time no less, left his toothpaste spit in the sink for all of us to enjoy. I have told him that this is rude and filthy, to no avail. He cannot remember to rinse it out no matter what level I take my nagging to. So I have "re-framed" this activity this way:

I decided he is far to distracted in his mind to rinse the sink after his spit because he is deeply and warmly contemplating my beauty and desireability ... and voila' ... I now don't give his spit another thought as I rinse it away my own self.

So ... selected blind/deaf/dumbness is prolly a much necessary marital tool Harley has neglected to write about in his books !

LOL

Aloha

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Just like a good minister has a way of making you think his message is intended just for you.


And I also just wanna bump this thread up coz it is so good.;)
Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

OK! LET'S BE REAL!

I saw that picture! I checked out the SUNGLASSES!

You are GODDESSES yet haven't been faithfully checking into the GODDESS thread! We need your guidance and feedback. You have undoubtedly been holding back on your GODDESSNESS.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Should the GODDESSES feel hurt and offended?

PEP:

I'm feeling "wounded" again. You ignored my question.

UNCLE

what question xactly?

I think that last one was addressed to Susan ....

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Do I get some pink sunglasses if I come??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Love ya, Mimi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Huh? What?
Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> dazed and confused...

hmmm.

Now being English and a bloke I am uselessly inarticulate in describing or explaining feelings and such esoteric concepts, but this thread and others sort of tapped into a train of thought I'd been having anyway. So s'cuse the ramble.

Who am I ?

Seriously.

I never bought into this "i'm trying to find myself" [censored] because as my Dad used to say "try looking in your shoes, you're usually found there".<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But this affair has made me REALLy consider what my identity is independent of others such as dear Squiddy.

Answer: there's no one there.

I have always been a son, husband,father, friend, employee, manager and have assessed my success AS A PERSON by my success in these roles. I am PROUD I was a good son to my dear folks; a good husband to Squid, the best Dad I can be etc etc.

But away from my 'farming' of the relationships in my life , the personality I expose only to MYSELF would perhaps be a surprise to some of the protagonists in my life.

I see a ghostly, sad, unconfidant, fearful and indignant person. Not a very nice person truth be told. I seem to save my more positive attributes for my relationships with others : my 'good side'is only what I see reflected in others.

I am , at least, honest and true to myself in my 'farming' of relationships. I left pretence behind many years ago, I strive to never do anything that wouldn't have made my Mom and Dad proud so don't need to pretend really. I don't have lies or boasts to 'live up to'.

So I am beginning to see whay Squids affair was so uniquely devastating to me ( like they are to everyone).

It was a brutal critique of my ability to be ME. It was a test I failed. I invested 'goodness' in Squid and I reaped pain, betrayal and devastation.

My roles in life ARE my identity, so Squids affair made me doubt myself desperately.

I HATE the introspection I have been forced to do - I would have much happier lived out my life in ignorance - but that became a non-option when I decided to rebuild my family when Squid was so incapable of so doing.

And in truth...aren't we ALL what we appear to be reflected in others ? Can't only EVER love the things people do for us and say to us because thats all we really ever know about someone ? Isn't our 'real' identity just the most consistent and instinctive 'roles' we play in our relationships with others ?

Hermits perhaps go crazy because they do not get the chance to refine their personalities in social intercourse with others.

So..whats the 'real' Bob look like away from the hats I wear ?

I dunno. I really dunno.