I am a returning user, I began posting in December 2003.

I would like to hear from anyone who has experience or advice on the subject of rape and how it affects a marriage.

I was raped last June whilst at my most vulnerable. It was not long after D-day of a brief 'EA' my H had before we were married last July.

I had gone away alone for a few days to escape from the shock of discovering an EA, when I met a man. He was much older than me at 36 (I am 20), and was nothing more to me than someone to talk to whilst having a few drinks.

I ended up spending the day with him, but did not intend for anything to happen and told him this. We went to a few pubs, had a good night out and talked. He built up my trust. He had been on the recieving end of an A, so understood what I was going through.

At the end of the night it became apparent that I couldnt get back to the hotel, so I stayed at his place. We decided nothing would happen. But he held me down and raped me.

I now know I was manipulated by someone who saw how vulnerable I was at the time. I would have never normally put myself in that situation, but I was feeling so down. I generally not a trusting person, and I am mature, confident, sensible, independent and practical beyond my years.

I told my H2B as soon as I got away to phone him. He was angry and didnt believe me at first. He wanted me too call the police, but I knew there was no chance of a prosecution as I had washed and I would not have been able to prove that it wasnt consensual. I also did not want to go through the procedure with only a month left before our supposed wedding.

We got married as planned, and have worked through most of our problems regarding the EA etc. But the rape still lingers, and I think my H finds it harder to deal with than I do.

I didnt reveal this on MB at the time, although I was posting at the time. I didnt feel ready to talk about it in any way. However, the time has come that I feel the need to share this experience. MB is the first step, and next I will tell a few trusted friends.

I guess I would just like to hear some of your thoughts on this and any advice you may have on how to treat this within my marriage.

Thank you, MBers.

xxx

NewlyWed,

This situation calls for intervention from someone who has been there. Are there rape crises centers in your area? You need to discuss all of this with a professional who has experience dealing with rape victims. Please do so right away. I cannot imagine the psychological trauma that you are dealing with day to day. You, and your husband, need to get assistance.

~ Snow

i have zero experience with this but god be with you....

Dear NewlyWedUK,

I can't express how sorry I am that you suffered the trauma of rape <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .

One of the issues that men must deal with when their wife is raped is guilt for not being there to protect her. Because your H had a big part in why you were in the location you were in and in the vulnerable condition you were in, I would imagine that his guilt is much more severe than is typical.

From my own experience with rape, I believe that you both need professional guidance to get through this.

Btw, even if you are not going to report the crime, a rape crisis line is there to help you get started on getting through it and recovering from it. I wish I had learned that a lot sooner than I did.

Again, I am so sorry that you suffered this trauma NewlyWedUK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .

Take care

Edited to add: It won't always feel this bad for either of you after recovering with whatever help and guidance that requires.

LB: The guilt thing makes a lot of sense. My H is a very traditional male in that he takes protecting me and providing for me very seriously.

I dont yet feel able to talk about this face-to-face to anyone I dont know. But the advice has been noted.

I wouldn't really describe what I'm feeling as psychological trauma. Although it was hard at first, I have now detached myself emotionally from the event, and I just try and be glad that I wasn't harmed and that I still have my H. I read about rape victims who can barely leave the house or be touched by anyone, but that didn't happen to me. Maybe that's because I wasn't hurt apart from a few bruises.

The thing that woriies me most is my H, and whats going on in his head, and how it will affect us in the long-term. I feel bad for putting myself in that situation, because it appears that the event has actually hurt him more than it has hurt me.

But, on a positive, we seem to be doing fine at the moment. Getting on well, having fun and enjoying life. It's hard to blight that with talks of the past, but I think it has to be done.

Thanks everyone, sorry for rambling.

xxx

I know what you mean about detaching from the experience. I had a bad experience along these lines when I was pretty young. I have never had counselling about it, but looking back at it now is not really all that painful either. It's just something that happened.

As a man, and a husband, I can really empathize with how your H feels. Especially if he's traditional in his approach to these matters.

If I were in your situation I would probably be more worried about him than me.

I definitely think this is one for the professionals. And I think that the sooner you deal with this the better.

My heart aches for you and your H to be victims of a thing like this. I will pray for you and wish you all the good thoughts in the world.

dewt

NewlyWedUK

I really think you and your H need to see a professional rape crisis counsellor asap. I know you say you could not yet tell anyone face to face BUT these people are very experienced and there is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING you could say to them that they would not know how to respect and help you with.

I have helped rape victioms in minor ways as part of my job - both women & men - but there is no way I would counsel you because it really does need professional input.
However I can point out some little things for you...
Already I can see you are partialy blaming yourself for being attacked - now please listen to this - YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.
Any person female or male should be able to say NO at any time and ANYTHING else is RAPE. There is no middle ground - no gray areas - not any excuse. No does mean no!
You did not allow this to happen dear NewlyWedUK

However, the experience will affect you and your H and your relationship. It may not seem so right now for yourself but it will. That effect may be large or small but you do sound like a young woman with a firm mind and a lot of strength - that has to be a great asset to overcome this setback.

Please, please reconsider your decision not to see a counsellor asap.......... even if you do it alone initially

I can't give you any better advice than that except to say many are here to listen to you if you need to vent or talk and I can say lots of prayers for you.

All my best wishes

Thanks guys, your input is much appreciated.

How should I approach this issue with my H until I feel able to see a professional? I want to help him through this myself as well as any other help I may ultimately recieve.

xxx