How does plan A work with the WS living at his moms? He left a few days ago and if I dont see him, how will he know I am changing for the better. I know for my heart it is better he is not here making me hurt with his cold shoulder routine. I dont know if he is in contact with OW still. Know he is angry all the time with everyone even those not involved. He says he needs to be alone to think, reference all the anger he is feeling and he doesnt know why. While he was home, I showed him lots of attention like when we met. I was very young as was he and I had no job, babies not needy teenagers and he was the one and only center of my world. I feel as insecure and as in love now like when we were kids again but he doesnt return that. He is not IN LOVE any longer I know. I want to work on it, but not sure what I should do if he is never around. Do I make contact and when I do I am sweet and loving, do I act distant to show him he may actually lose me if this continues, do I ignore him along the same idea, do I let him know how much I want him home and need him home? Please if anyone has been through this, please help. THanks for everything.

Well the roller coaster ride continues, he has left for the third time in as many weeks. He came home last Sunday night after I told him the I need time alone thing he was giving me wasnt going to work, I dont remember what I said, but as he told me today, he came home because I gave him an ultimatum. However, after that great first night and what seemed to be a positive more happy attitude, he was on the reversal slide this weekend. We have always done everything together, today he was leaving to go to his uncles for a few minutes and I "asked" if I could go, which he never invited me, but his answer was I guess. Whatever, then later that day, he was going to his friends house and walked out the door and said I will be back later. I was in awww. I said can I go? He gave me the I guess with an eye roll and an attitude. I blew up, what was the deal, now he doesnt want me to be around him. He was staying at a distance since the first night back, slowly pulling away again. I finally blew today, I asked what in the world more I could do? I have accepted the A, I have accepted the leaving me and not saying he wants to be with me, all the garbage and now I am here trying to be the loving wife and carry around a smile, while he doesnt even act like I am his friend let alone the love of his life. I am a romantic I want the love I see on TV but any sign of love would give me hope. What more can I do, how can I be a better wife or person in general. Well, he said he knew if he came home again this would happen. Amongst the little he does say, its always the same. I LOVE YOU, I dont know what went wrong, I dont know why I am not happy. Now he tells me he doesnt have the OW to go to. That he is worried a D will leave him penniless. We spent an hour going over what he would have to pay me, seperating the bills and bank account. I did tell him, I was killing myself to make this work and he was sitting back pushing me away at every chance and that a Marriage with no love was not a marriage to me. He took a lot of his stuff, most I would say. He said he is going to his MOMS again. Dont know how long she will want him there, but she said he could come. I dont know what to do. I want to just give him time to be alone, all alone, and see if his life is better alone, I dont know whats going on in his head, what is making him throw away 15 years and our family. He doesnt seem to either. It is killing me to be alone and I am miserable. I just couldnt be happy with him treating me that way. I am not happier without him, but I was not happy with him that way. I hope I havent made a terrible move. Does anyone have any hope for us? Are his actions a sign he is totally not IN LOVE with me any more and we are over? How can you love someone, act like they are the best thing in the world and that you missed them so much on Sunday and by Saturday of the same week you are packing all you belongings and saying it will not work? I will be praying for a miracle that only the LORD can bring. I pray for peace with what has happened and the strenght to hold on the my sanity until I am over him or he sees I am what he wants always and forever. Thanks for all your help. GOD BLESS

Well, you will NOT ever hear Plan A advice from me. However, you should ask yourself a few questions.

What is it that will MAKE you happy that you have control of? You can't MAKE your WH do anything. Being "nice" and "sweet" will NOT bring him back. Ultimatums will NOT bring him back. You really need to look inside yourself and find things to be happy about...and find a way to be fulfilled without your WH...at least for the time being.

You said that you couldn't be happy with him "treating you that way"....well NOONE here should advise you that you need to do that. You are going to need to find a way to "unhook" yourself from the drama and dysfunation that you are in with him. Would you counsel your daughter to accept behavior like this from her husband? Ask yourself that question, and answer it honestly.

The things that you can CONTROL and improve your life are easy things like eating healthy foods, exercising daily, getting your financial life in order, getting your house in order, joining a Yoga class, seeing an IC to help you deal with keeping your "sanity" during this hell on earth you are experiencing.

Noone is telling you that you are wrong for feeling the rage, and despair that you feel. It is what you do with that rage and despair that matter.

While I fully realize that this is a "marriage building" site, I think people get so hooked on the concept of "saving their marriage" that they forget that "saving themselves" must take priority. This is one of the main reasons that I still post here. I just don't want to see poeple forget that. You are on of those people. You can take my advice or leave it, it is all good to me. I don't offend that easy anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

I cannot offer any specific advice about the Harley Plan A and B's, but I can give you advice and support from MY OWN struggles to find salvation and recovery.

God Bless,

LM

Take a deep breath you are not alone. It looks like you are pretty new here there are a lot of people that will support you. I'm no expert. But I do know you need a plan and you need to take care of yourself. bObPure did an excellent guide. I don't know how to link it so I will bump it up for you on the list. Read, read, and read. Then make a plan. Keep posting. Weekends are slow but keep at it. Take a hot shower and remember to breath. You'll get through this.

Lemonman and Confused,
Thank you for the imput. You are great to come here and help people like me and no advice goes unnoticed. I really have no control over what happens with my husband now. I can only work on myself and my home, and making my kids happy. They are teenagers and are all taking this in different ways. I will continue to pray for my husband to get his head straight. I pray that the love he says he feels for me will win over what I feel is love for himself only. That he will not wait so long to do so, that me and the kids have moved on and do not wish him back. I pray for peace within myself as I make the neccessary changes to grow from this experience and show my kids I am a strong person and someone they can look up to. Thank you again for all of your support. GOD BLESS