It's been a while since I posted so I'll share my story.
H had an A starting when I was 6 months pregnant. I found out about it when DD was a year. For the next year I fought like crazy to save the M. All the while he kept falling back in with OW. H went on a business trip with another woman from work. She also works with the OW and knew about the A. She made him come to his senses and finally got him away from OW. H supposedly tried to make the M work, but I never felt comfortable with his new friendship with this coworker. H decided our M was over and shortly after started dating this coworker. I'll call her OW2 even though it supposedly started after we were seperated. OW2 is the daughter of his boss. She is 22, got pregnant in college, came running home with her son and now works with H.

I know that H probably isn't right for me. He wants this D, but keeps coming back in strange ways. He told me OW2 could be the one and how great she is, but has recently had sex with me. H also makes comments about how great I look and touches me inappropriately often. I don't think it is right, but I love the attention. H has taken our DD around OW2 and they are doing all the "family" things that I always wanted. Didn't he cheat on OW2 with me? H used to call me spoiled and fat. She is fatter than I ever was and she comes from money and is spoiled.

The D will be final soon, but I feel no father ahead than I did a year ago. I think that I still love him. When I am shopping for clothes, I think of him. I chose my outfits carefully when I know he is picking up DD. I am always thinking about his relationship with OW2 and hoping that it will fall apart. And yet there is so much about him that I don't like and I don't know if it could ever be right between us. I just can't let go. I have met a few nice men, but I always find something wrong with them. I am seeing a counselor, but I don't know how to quit obsessing about him and his new relationship. I think it would be easier if he didn't have one. Why can't he feel sad like I do? How can he move on so easily? Yet he will call to find out how to wash sheets. Almost like he doesn't want to lose the connection with me, but he doesn't want me either. I am so confused and in so much pain. Can anyone help me understand this?

This is called "cake-eating" in my book. It's a great deal for him - he can have you both.


This I can relate to - I have the same thoughts. Two thoughts for you (and me too, I guess):

1) He may not be as happy as you think. It's hard for people to admit they were wrong. It's hard for people who think they are running to something new - to find out they were really running away from themselves. You can run, but you can't hide - because wherever you go, YOU are still there. So, some people get a rude awakening and can't admit it.

2) You may never have an answer. Part of the challenge is accepting that none of us may ever know what really went on in the minds of our X's. Maybe they can move on because they were emotionally uncommitted and don't feel a loss (in which case, we're best rid of them). Maybe they can turn off their feelings (maybe that's what they've already been doing for years - in which case, we're best rid of them). Get the picture?


Why doesn't he ask his new GF how to wash sheets? It would be nice to NOT have to bring her into the daily grind of running one's life - after all, laundry isn't very romantic.

This too sounds like cake-eating. You are confused and he's playing on this. As long as you accept his behavior, and interpret it to give yourself a bit of hope, he'll be able to take advantage of you.

It could also be that he is conflicted. Maybe he's cake-eating because he can't let go either. But, it is NOT fair for him to leave you in this limbo. If he really cared about you, he would either commit to you or let you go.

All in my opinion. Your results may vary.

Coolduck, I'm so sorry your STBX is treating you like this. And you are correct, he is cheating on OW2 with you, the same way he cheated on you with OW1, and possibly on OW1 and you with OW2. We can't be sure when the affair with OW2 started, or when your STBX started thinking about having OW2.

Why you need is to get over your STBX. How do you do that? You do it the same way a WS gets over the OP. You have NO CONTACT with that person at all. Naturally, that will mean no sex with your STBX as well as no seeing him, no talking to him, no emailing him.

You'll be sad and lonely and miserable for a while. But, it will get much better, much faster if you go from coolduck to coldturkey. Besides, you'll feel much more confident and in control, just two items the WS robs the BS of.

I agree with both posters. Your stbx is cake-eating. He wants the best of both worlds. Don't give it to him....you will only enable him to keep you trapped in unhealthy feelings. It sounds like you need Plan B to get some perspective on things.

Remember the marriage bond is hard to break. It is like ripping and tearing an arm off of you body. That is why you both feel this back and forth compulsion. Someone has to stop the vicious cycle you are in. A really good book that helped me was WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH and it helped me to see my actions and break free.

TW

Thanks for the replys. I couldn't log in for a few days.

Life has again changed. He is now being very cold to me. His new GF is intimidated by me. She is afraid that their is unfinished business so I think that he is trying to stay away from me. Also my settlement papers were delivered to him.

All Hell broke out. We are not fighting about money. He wants more time with our DD. H has become ugly. My 2YO DD must of overheard me and she now calls GF a fat pig. I got yelled at for that. I just can't stand it. My DD is very verbal. She told me about GF's toothbrush and how Daddy sleeps with her. I hate it. I hate her. I hate him (too bad I still love him too). I want their relationship to fail. I don't want him to be happy.

I'm so scared of the custody thing. We are in a backward area so I was told that custody almost always goes to the mom. And he really isn't going after joint. He just wants more time with her. I agreed to every Tues (3:30-7:00) and every other weekend (5 on Fri to 7 on Sun). He often takes Fri off and I let him watch her. Still not enough. It was his weekend and both Fri and Sat night when I called to say goodnight, I couldn't find them. Finally around 9;30 I get them. Her bedtime is 8:30, but it is all what is good for him. Will a custody officer keep all of this in mind?? He started his A when I was 6 mon preg. I can't tell you how many times I have heard that he didn't want her. He was running around with OW the first year of her life. He would come home aroun 2AM and I would still be up walking the floor with her. Why does he deserve her?? And when he does get her all they do is go out with GF and her 1yr old.(she is only 22 - got preg in college). They go all the places that he never wanted to with me and DD. It just hurts because I have so been replaced and he is living the family thing with some young bimbo.

Where do I go from here? On some days I hate him on others I still love him. I know that he isn't right for me. I don't think that he is a nice person. I am so focused on their relationship. It just has to fail. I try to analyze everything. How do I step back and not care?

You need to focus on yourself...find your own self respect again...

Dont allow this man to treat you this way. You deserve better treatment than this.

Tell yourself everyday that you need to move on.

One important step that help me along was NON CONTACT rules...or you can also call it Plan B...it will help you...

Take care

I've felt this way too. You'll know your making progress when you don't feel like this anymore. Focus on yourself and your DD and try put some boundaries in place with WH. You need to heal and get back in touch with who you really are. And jumping in the sack with him isn't going to help things, you need to spend sometime alone. Put some distance between you and WH and maybe you can begin the healing process...

Take Care,

Miker

{{{{{coolduck}}}}}

Try to think about it this way: The only way people can make us feel so unhappy and angry and hateful is if WE LET THEM. That means we've given those people POWER over us.

Do you want the GF or WH to have POWER over you?

That power will prevent you from being happy, from recovering, without or with WH... You are the only one who can take that power away from them.

I don't want GF or STBX have power over me, but I can't seem to stop it. I think of things and it makes me sick. I hear about them going out and I wonder why he never took me out. I am much prettier and thinner than she is.All she has over me is being 10 years younger. I CAN'T STOP FIXATING ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP. I need to hear that it will fail. I need to know that she can't make him happy. I am so afraid that it was me. I am so afraid that she is better than me. That she can make him happy. I know that I was a good wife. He never wanted to go out and do things with me. I see him pulling away more and more. In my heart, I know that is a good thing for me to heal. I know that I need to go dark (at least as much as I can with a child to him), but it hurts like hell.
Two weeks ago we were supposed to go and switch names on my cell so it was in my name and I could keep my current number. Now he tells me he called and it will all be sent to the house and he can just sign off. I think maybe I was looking forward to that outing. Even though I know it is not healthy.

What do I do?? How do I heal??? I am so trying to focus on me, but my thoughts are always being interrupted by things about him. Or I wonder where he is or what their doing. I know he thought the OW was the right one and it fell apart, but what if this young bimbo is? I feel like I lost. Like I am not worth as much as these other woman. That they are better than me. I hate feeling this way. Will he ever miss me? and be upset that I am with someone else? Or don't I really matter?

I know that I am attractive. I am a good person. I know there is probably better out there for me, so why can't I let go and say "Good riddens - You are a jerk that messed up my life and ruined our family. You aren't worth the tears" As I sit here crying my eyes out.

I feel so lost. I have great friends and I don't sit at home and mope, but even when I'm out I can get sad thoughts that make me feel sick to my stomach instantly. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am just stuck. Where do I go from here?