Post deleted by 2YearsTooLate

Buy stuff, pay it off, never be late, and mostly, time for th eold score to start to climb. Secure/cosigned loans are an option as well, but man, you are a trusting soul.

Here's how....

You walk away and let her and OM worry about it.

That's not bitter, just reality.

It isn't your concern anymore how she does what, and when or where she does it.

Pull back brutha and leave it be, I have one piece of advice for you I learned through my XW...

Here it is...read carefully....

It is only ammicable if you do everything she wants.

Step away from the sitch my friend..remember she is a big girl so allow her to do big girl things like...fix her own credit, you don't OWE her anything.

I think that like me (for a bit) you are allowing your former view of your WW to color your decision making right now. With stuff like, I'm not an A$$ and thinking about how you loved her and on and on.....

YOu need to get that stuff out of your head, not saying you should be evil or cruel but this is part of the bed she made for herself so let her sleep in it. Credit wasn't a problem when you were together right? You had loans and cars and such but look she walked away from that of her own free will.

Now her and the OM can build.

You are not responsible...
You are not responsible...
You are not responsible...

Get it?

Your Friend
RebornMan

Reborn... i couldn't agree with you more... 'it is only amicable if you do everything she wants'... i, too, fell into that trap for a short bit... when i realized what was happening, i severed every tie i 'legaly' could and as fast as possible... she was none too happy about it either and expressed it, as well... the next call i rec'vd... she was involved in an mva w/OM and he had no insurance, could i help... uhhh,,, 'no'... and that was that...

TYTL; Reborn is right on the $$$... (this is all just my opinion) at the time, i beleived it was an honerable thing to assist WW and do 'anything' she asked... but, i was really doing more harm to her than good... she relied on me in the M for just about everything and she rewarded me by leaving for OM... now she needed to learn how to survive w/o 'me'... who she relied on besides herself, was no longer my concern or responsibility... never shelter anyone from the realities of thier descions (~Noodle~)...

and for sh*ts and giggles... tell her 'no' when she asks you to do something for her... she how she reacts... if she gets upset, then there you go... true selfishness knows no boundaries...

and it is all easier said than done... but you can not deny the truth... what is, is and what is not, is not... no amount of 'wishing' or 'wanting' can change that simple fact...

go luck...

Why do you NEED to help your WW. The neediness comes from you, not her.

If you are trying to look good in her eyes, forget it. Reality says she has made her choice.

If you are trying to look good in someone elses eyes, doubly forget it. That action won't mean a hill of beans 6-12 months down the road.

If you are trying to look good in YOUR eyes, spend that money and time on a good counselor that won't permit you to spend any more time dissecting your failed marriage until you examine your need to be a fixer.

From one fixer to another.

Best of luck.

ah...finally something up my alley....the suggestions given before were on the money aboutbuy and pay down and buy and pay down....and NEVER be late....but the best suggestion was walk away and let OMand her worry....the $$$$ part of this equation is my profession....the walk away part is many years of observing what happens when you try to help your ex....walk, no run away and DO NOT LOOK BACK

A couple of thoughts...
1. I agree with the general stance that you should do nothing. She wants to be independent, fine. You are not her father.
2. The best way to build credit is to start with a job. Then, get a tiny small loan.
3. The very best thing is to avoid loans of all sorts and pay cash, houses excepted for obvious reasons.

It's number three I wish someone had taught me when I ventured into handling my own finances at age 20.

The most important part in the pre-divorce prep, is to get her name off your cards. Notify the credit card companies you won't be held responsible. Close the joint accounts. The first one to the bank wins everything that's in there until settlement time.

Your STBX is a bog of affair-induced contradictions. I don't always believe WS's are completely muddled in their thinking and logic. However, yours is. If she felt under your control or too dependent on you, as she says, she wouldn't be asking for your help now, or doing the numerous other things she's doing.

So... I never quite saw your response to Reborn Man. Do you want this woman as your wife? Or your ex-wife? If the former, I suggest an immeidate Plan B. The full works. No contact with her until she either ends the affair or signs the settlement papers. I think Plan B may work well with her.

Post deleted by 2YearsTooLate

I know this sounds like I am saying the same things over and over to you 2Late.....

Make your own bed
Make your own food
Wash your own clothes
Get her out of your home

Anybody have some more cake for 2Late's STBXW?

Buddy your gonna run out of cake soon...

She already "made" a bed and it's hight time you let her sleep in it

C'mon, you're better than this.

It's time for you to focus on the kids and you....get her out.

Your friend with the 2X4
RebornMan

Reborn, I read that last post a different way. 2 Years is letting his wife eat cake so that she won't have to deal with the consequences until he's safely divorced. In that way, 2 Late isn't faced with a defeated, dejected spouse announcing she's changed her mind and is going to stay married to him. Naturally, I'm reading tons into the post which probably isn't there. However, 2 Late, you are doing everything possible to further the A long. You know that don't you? You are enabling her behavior.

I don't have a problem with you giving advice about how to establish credit if she asks. I do have a problem with you actively helping her, even if it's just to call a bank. I also have a problem if she calls and asks you all kinds of how-to questions.

OOOH! Here's an idea. Give her a "Going away" present. There are some great books about How to fix-it-yourself and there are books about personal finance and responsibility. I like Dave Ramsey's myself. Give her those so that she doesn't need to depend on anyone even you.

Just remember... This is advice from a woman who lets her STBX do laundry at her house because his washing machine doesn't work. Kind of puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

Hey GG,

Yeah, probably reading too much into it but that's A-OK with me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I know he said he wants a divorce and doesn't want her back, so who cares if she becomes regretful now or after the divorce.

I hate to be cruel but it's probably in his best interest if she is remorseful through the divorce, probably get what he wants then.

Our sitch's are all different but have a common theme, and in this case the common theme is assisting WS with affair and cake eating.

I don't think either are healthy for him or the kids.


Or her...


Rebornman

"there was a rumor that I was wrong once, only a rumor....lol"

Greengables,
I am trying to get over the fence without getting too scratched up. I think you are seeing it the way I am seeing it. My case is very specific and if I was back in the USA, we'd be doing things different for sure.
Reborn man,
I am overseas and have 12 months to go. If I do what you say and get all angry and make a stand too early then it just shoots my own foot since she leaves, then she takes the kids, our savings plan all goes to heck and the hoped for final plan that we agree on to end our marriage and gets us all to a better place is destroyed. If I gotta serve out some cake once in a while, then so be it. I do feel good about myself down inside but don't need to prove it. I am actually using benevolent selfishness since when she needs this type of help then it just shows me how limited and hypocritical she is. Kind of like allowing her to squash any residual good feelings I nostalgically have for her. Plus, we maintain some status quo and balance and the atmosphere. If she is gonna have the affair anyway, what is the difference? But your approach is valid for when I finally have the divorce finalized. No cake is gonna be served then. Now on the other topic about joint vacations, I guess you see that also as cake serving. I am not sure, but at this point I am hoping that 5 or more years from now, I could enjoy to meet with my 2 boys at some nice location and if she also planned to be there, then maybe that is a win-win for the boys.

Well 2Late, that is one way to despise her and lose all your love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Another would be to find her a place to live where you are, I know your in the military, I was as well, I also know it is possible to find offbase housing for her. I wasn't suggesting you send her statside (Hmmm maybe I am...lol) but even if you did what right would she have to take the kids?

I guess I don't have anything else to add 2Late but I think your perspective is going to change before long.

Your Friend,
RebornMan