My WH and I lived together for three years before marrying. He started a long distance "friendship" with OW eight months into our marriage. I discovered it two months ago. The phone bill shows conversations totalling several hours each day between the two of them. He denies trips to visit her and that anything physical has happened between them. I've seen concrete evidence to the contrary.

For several weeks I heard "I need time to figure out who I am and what I want...I'm lost." I don't think he will ever admit to what he's done but he's never been one to be open with his thoughts and feelings. I left our home for three weeks when I first found out and then I discovered the book, "Surviving an Affair". I went back to him and tried to follow plan A but it was too difficult for me. I am now attempting plan A while living away from him in my own apartment. He says he ended their "friendship" several days ago but again I know he's lying.

I'm quite happy being in my own home. I'm renting on a monthly basis so I can move back if/when things get better. He's starting to come around and says he wished I didn't leave but he understands. I love him dearly but it's not the same and I don't think it ever will be. The more snooping I do the more I realize how much of a secretive life my husband has led. He's told me that I don't really know him because he has not allowed me to. I honestly thought I did know him. I'm having trouble trusting anything he says.

As time passes I realize that I will have to let what has happened go and move forward...perhaps without us really discussing it. I can do this but I worry about two things: I don't want him to feel that he 'got away' with it and I can't say that I'm still in love with him. I care deeply for him but I just don't feel the love. Will that ever come back?

Every day is so long...the last two months have felt like two years...

Thanks for listening.

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The problem with allowing the issue to be swept under the rug, is that it will remain there no matter how much you and your H try to ignore it.

Being in-love and love are two totally different things. The former is emotionally based condition while the later is a consciously arrived decision. This is not to say that the two cannot co-exist, but it will require the efforts of BOTH spouses for it to become a reality. The best way to achieve this if you and your H are committed to following the MB principles embodied in Dr Willard Harley's books. Are BOTH of you up to doing this?

TMCM

Yes - you can love your spouse again, but it will be different. I struggle more with my self-esteem issues than with my feelings toward my H. I still love him and he is the father of my children, but it isn't the same. Maybe as time goes by it will grow into a deeper thing, but for now it is enough that I love him in any way.