Hey All,
I have two separate questions. I thought about two different threads...but didn't want to take up more space than I needed to.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
My H and I are almost 5 months past d-day, and next month we will "celebrate" our 11 year anniversary. I put celebrate in quotes, b/c I am not sure it will be a celebration as it was in the past. I am afraid..no, I know..it will be a painful trigger day for me. I am wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to handle this day. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Ok..next question...for those of you in recovery....when did you tell your spouse that you forgive them? First let me say, I DO NOT feel pressure to do this from my H, but I also know he wants to hear those words...and I do not blame him. I guess I feel like in my telling him that I am staying with him that I have basically forgiven him.
However, I also don't want to say those words to him without knowing what forgiveness really feels like. I think I will need to explain to him what it looks like also. I know that when you forgive that you do not stop hurting sometimes...but I still hurt A LOT...and think about the A a lot...and I am still asking all those questions. I think part of me will never forgive him for some parts of the affair...there are some things that even time cannot erase and heal. So, do I never say I forgive you? Or do I say I forgive you, but know in my heart that him loving another woman is unforgiveable in my heart. Or for those of you who are well past d-day...does the unforgiveable part become forgiveable at some point?
Sorry for the ramble. I really would love all input. Thank you for taking the time to answer.

True

I know as the FWS I want to celebrate ours, but we are just about 5 months post DDAY now, and our 6 year anniversary is in 3 weeks. H is not sure he wants to celebrate it at all, and I have left that in his hands. I am sure we will have more to celebrate in the future, so I am not going to ask him to celebrate it or acknowledge it.

I guess if you don't feel ready to celebrate an anniversary of vows that were broken, you don't have to. And if you feel up to it - then don't focus on the vows your husband broke, but use it as a day to remind yourself of the years you had that were good, and the years you have coming that will be good too.

Easier said than done right? It's my FWS wishful thinking that my H (the BS) could get through our annivesary that way!

As for the forgiveness thing - I can't help you there, as I am in no position to give advice on that. My forgiveness from my H is still a work in progress.

-ds

Hi True.....

Anniversaries are very painful. I always thought "What's to celebrate now?" I guess you celebrate the past good memories and try not to think about what goes on now.

As for forgiveness....I know you can forgive, but will never forget. The very fact that you are willing to work on you M after finding out, speaks of the beginning of forgiveness.

In my case, the fact that my WH has been told that I forgive him must not mean much since he had continued to lie, and resume contact with OW several times.

A true addict can try to straighten themselves up, but unless they forgive themselves, and try to move on past their addiction, they will continue to be sucked back in by their addiction.

I personally don't think you should tell your WH that you forgive him for anything unless you truly feel forgiveness. And, you should tell him about it.....gently......if he is really in recovery, and trying to do right, he will understand.

But our MC told us that I can forgive WH, but that I will never forget. That if we forget what has happened in the past, we will continue to make the same mistakes over and over.

I think he's right.

K

Yes, you may be able to "forgive" someone who has hurt you in the sense that you let it go, move on with your life and *never see them again,* but I don't think that's what you are talking about.

Has he *asked* for your forgiveness?

Has he accepted responsibility for his affair, and for what he has done to you?

My H would like "forgiveness" too, but I don't know how to forgive someone who insists they have done nothing wrong. What is there to forgive?

Mulan

Deeplysorry,
Thank you so much for responding. I think it takes courage for a WS to reply to a post like mine...and I appreciate hearing it from your side of the sitch. I hope I can look past the old vows...in factI have asked my H to help me burn our old vows(we have a copy)and to write new ones to share with each other on that day. I hope it can be like we are starting over.
K,
I too believe that I should not forget. I am just having trouble deciding where the line is in true forgiveness/forgetfulness. How can my H feel forgiveness even if I still bring it up, and how can I prove that I do forgive him even though I am still in pain over what he did? Also...the love thing for me is a BIG issue...much more painful than any physical act...and I do not know HOW to forgive that.
Mulan,
Yes, my H has asked forgiveness and tells me he is sorry everyday, at least once...usually more.
He is truly remorseful..and has made a new vow to me to never let a woman that close to him again..even as a close as becoming good friends. He has become a much different person since this all happened. I think it surprised him how easily he was swept away by it all, and how close he came to losing everything( I hate to admit it, but if I had left..I would not have let him have any rights...even with the kids).
Thank you all for your replies...and anybody else out there who would like to give it a go...I appreciate your time/advice in advance! Thanks!!!!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Our first anniversary is in 5 weeks and it makes me sick to think about it. I don't know how I'll feel as the date approaches because things seem to change daily right now. I'll most likely not acknowledge it and wait and see if he says anything. I just keep thinking about that frozen cake topper in the freezer and how I just want to throw it at him and hope it knocks him out!

Congratulations on making it this far !!!!

Recovery is some hard stuff. Not for sissies, that's for sure.

You ask when to say "I forgive you"??? Well, the specific words aren't as important at this time as is your continued kindness and generosity toward your husband. BE forgiving in your actions, and when you just can't stand to hold back on the words .... they will prolly blurt themselves out like a burp or something ! LOL

The 6 month "hump" is a nasty time. The acute pain is going away and there is this nagging thorn deep inside that just does not feel right .... and (sorry) it takes about 2 years for the thorn to work it's way out. But it eventually does.

So ... anniversary celebration, in my opinion, should be low-key, and just the 2 of you. No big gifts. But the gift of time and caring and tender words.

Next year will be our 25th anniversary and ALL of you are invited. (LOL ... just kidding) And next year will be our 10th year of recovery.

It does get better.

It does take plenty of time.

It's a healing, and thus cannot be forced prematurely.

Best wishes

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The 6 month "hump" is a nasty time. The acute pain is going away and there is this nagging thorn deep inside that just does not feel right .... and (sorry) it takes about 2 years for the thorn to work it's way out. But it eventually does.

Oh yes ! Seven months NC this month for us and recovery's hard. It did strangely seem to start getting hard a few weeks ago, there really is a 6 month rough patch.

TTS, regarding forgiveness, well before Christmas Squid and I were connecting only mechanically. Squids shame and fear of my retribution stalled all but the most basic communication between us. And I was clueless.

My GREAT friend RIF taught me the template HE used in his recovery, and it required investing love and care in a stable, loving platform where Squid could lick her wounds and unwind in safety.

I was SO RELUCTANT to do this as I felt Squid didn't DESERVE this investment from me. But I had to take a decision: did I want to divorce her or did I want to work on recovery.

If divorce, then get on with it.

If recovery then lay down the revenge weapons. Once I followed down that line I read stuff from Atruheart and others on recovery and realised I had to start the forgiving process.

That is I couldn't invest what was needed in recovery if apart of me retained the right to 'punish' her for her transgression.

So I prayed a LOT about this and I told her I forgave her.

We destroyed my "proof of affair" copies together. Interestingly Squid then gave me the originals and other stuff OM gave her ( cards, CDs etc) which I also destroyed with her.

So my forgiving Squid KICKSTARTED recovery, it was not CAUSED by an acceleration in recovery.

I just hadn't got room in my heart for hate AND love. It was like a sack of rocks in my heart. And what use is NOT forgiving if you don't intend to punish ?

Its a process - every time I discover something new about the A I have to forgive THAt too. But I intend to. And to say out loud " Lord I forgive Squid for this" when I have a 'movie moment' really does dissipate the hurt far more quickly.

Fogiveness is a benefit to the FORGIVER more than the FORGIVEN IMO.

Hope this helps

NW,
I am soo sorry that you have to be here so early in your marriage. It sounds like your anniversary is very close to mine. I know that must be so hard for you...probably even harder than for me.
Pep,
It makes me so glad to hear that someone has come 10 years. It gives me so much hope for the future! Thank you so much for your kind words.
Bob,
I have read many of your other posts, and you, too, are an inspiration. I am glad that you added that you had a rough patch...I had one just recently too, and it sent my H into a deep depression. I think you are better than me at this, b/c you still believe your W DESERVES the compassion you give her...and I just give it b/c I love my H not b/c I think he deserves it.
I agree that forgiveness is more for me, and to be honest, that may be why I hold back...I have to forgive myself for being me before I can forgive him...and that is a hard pill to swallow.
Thanks for all the good advice all. I will take it to heart!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

True,

You and your H need to find a symbolic type of closure. Mine was going to the ocean and just yelling. Later it required I give up something I cherished deeply. It was my choosing and my doing. I realized that while my chosen item did not have anything t/d with the A, I had lost something cherished when the A happened and so I in return gave up something I cherished. In a sort of undescribable way it brought relief. I don't expect everyone or anyone to understand but my chosen item to discard from my life was my beloved custom made wedding gown. I kept the bow and a small piece of english lace.

As I was cutting up my dress, I felt the anger leave my soul for a moment. No it did not fix anything yet it brought some type of closure. My H gave up our M and we both lost a piece of our M that would never return. Rebuilding the trust is still happening but I know parts of our M will always be gone. We are building a better M with different tools and new memories. Yes we are keeping some of our older memories but when one's 10 year anniversary is marred by the OW and then the 11th and 12th years, the nut called on our anniversary, well I gotta tell you that my anniversary date just isn't as exciting anymore. One of the casualties of the A.

As for the forgiveness, that will take time. Probably as long as rebuilding the trust, if not longer. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Sounds like your H is trying hard to work with you and this is a good sign.

Get with a good MC to help you both. Read HIs Needs/Her needs and discuss it. Take the EN questionnaire as a couple.

Hope this helps.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
I have also thought about getting rid of my wedding dress that I absolutely love. I was saving it for my daughters, but I would never let them wear it now. It is funny, b/c last year right before our 10th anniversary, my little girls and I all tried it on, and danced around...I am glad I have that memory, b/c now when I look at it...I feel digust.
We are with a MC..not a great one, but we live in a small town, and we already drive to 40 minutes to see her. It is tough to find a new one...and before anyone suggests it...I cannot afford the Harleys.
My H is working very hard. It is me that is stuck. I know that I am about where I should be, but I see him try and do feel bad that I feel like I cannot let it go.

Thanks for the advice.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

How r u doing?

L.