Forgive my ignorance of the acronyms, this is my first post here, and there are like a million of them heh.

First thanks for taking the time to read this.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for just about 5 of them, most of them rocky. We were highschool sweethearts. I just recently got out of the military 2 years ago, and my wife and I are going to college. We have 2 little girls together, 4yrs and 1yr.

About a month ago my wife and I got into a dispute over an old girlfriend of mine that I just got back in contact with. We talked for about a week, she lives in CA, we live in TX. My wife couldnt take it, so she went back home to her mother's house for about 2 weeks. 1 week later I found out through an old friend of hers, that my wife has had an affiar that she has been keeping from me for 2 years. And that possibly the 1yr old isnt mine.
Well I waited a few days before I called her to confront her about it to prevent from freaking out over the phone...it didn't work to well, but I tried. She admitted the whole thing and said it only lasted 3 days. Consiquently it happend when she was at home on a vacation we took together 2 years ago. She stayed at this guys house for 3 days while I stayed at my mother's...once again, we were in an argument. I thought she was staying at her mother's..boy was I ever wrong.
Ontop of that she admitted to kissing an older man at a club, and then stripping over the internet on a webcam to some stranger she never met. The kiss happend before the 3 day affair, and the strip-tease happend about 2 months ago...She didn't admit it at first, her friends told me all about it and after denying it, she finally admitted it all.

While she was at home, she went with him to get a paternity test, and the test showed up negative for him, meaning unless she's still lying about someone else... the 1yr old is mine.

Its been like a month since I found out, and I'm having such a hard time getting over this. My little girls keep me going, I don't even like to look at my wife. Her body looks used and dirty to me. I used to love every inch of her body, and now it's almost gross in a way. I don't even like to spend time with her. She's being very nice and sensitive towards me, but occasionally we fight about it. She's used her affair as a weapon to hurt me twice since I found out. Saying stuff like, "If you would have done this I would have had to F**k someone else!" Hateful stuff like that. We both say pretty mean things, but she always go that extra step to hurt.

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. I'm beginning to think divorce is the only way out, because I just cant seem to get over this. Its only been 1 month, and she expects me to be over it already. She swears that it was only the 3 days and she's been regretful ever since. I get mental pictures and thoughts all the time, all day long. Whenever I see her naked, I always think about him touching her. Will this EVER go away??

Is the grass greener in single-land? Or is it worth fighting for, and trying to rough it out. I'm only 23 yrs old, and I've got my whole life ahead of me..I dont want to make the wrong decision. This is way harder than anything the Army could ever put you through.

Any advice is appreciated...I tried to keep it as short and to the point as possible.

Is the grass greener?,

Not unless you and the OW [other woman] follow the MB principles embodied in Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'His Needs, Her Needs', 'Love Busters' and 'Surviving An Affair', otherwise you will be playing Russian roulette and just might end up with another unfaithful partner.

One month is not enough time for you to make an informed decision as to whether or not you should end your marriage. Keep in mind that emotionally based decisions almost always come back to haunt us, so if you want to avoid this give yourself anywhere from six months to a year after D-day [discovery day] before you make a life altering decision.

But whatever decision you make regarding your marriage, please consider that until both of your children become legal adults, you cannot escape from having a working relationship with their mother. You will be well served if you read and implement the MB principles in Dr Harley's books, especially 'Love Busters'. They will help you enormously to move on with your life in the event that you ultimately decide to end your marriage.

TMCM

As of right now, there is no OW. The whole thing was weird. While my wife was back home with her mother, I was talking to OW and told her that I'm ready to start my M over again, and that we needed to stop talking, and we said goodbye. The NEXT day was D-Day...I called up OW and she helped me through the first few days. When my wife came home, I decided to cut off communcation with OW and havn't spoken to her since.

So am I just supposed to live with this woman and pretend like nothing happend? It hurts way to much to her hear talk about it. She's already completely over it. In her words, "I've had 2 yrs to deal with it and its behind me." I feel like I'm being rushed into a decision. She wants me to be over it, and I just can't right now. I'm affraid that if I move out to gather my thoughts, or spend time to myself, that I won't go back.

So do I just suck it up and drive on, while I try my best to deal with this myself? Everytime I talk to my wife about it, I end up getting hurt,frustrated,confused etc...
Everyone I know of, seriously, that has been cheated on has divorced. Some have tried to work through it and have failed. Is it just that impossible to work through it?

No, but whether or not you choose to remain married, you are going to have to make peace with the fact that it happened and that it cannot be undone. Remember you are NOT a slave to anybody, you are an individual with free will who can choose at ANY time to jettison from the marriage.


Your W is being unfair and unrealistic in her expectations that you 'get over it'. She may have had 2 years to emotionally deal with it but emotionally for you her affair just happened yesterday. You must calmly, quietly and respectfully convey this to her.


When you say 'I talk to my wife', are you doing it without lashing out at her? I ask because if this is not the case, then she's reacting like most people who get attacked rightly or wrongly.


It is NOT because of the affair itself but because the couples have not resolved the issues that were present before, during and after the affair. No it is not impossible but it does take an equal committment from BOTH spouses to do the work necessary to not only save but rebuild the marriage via a marital plan of recovery based on the MB principles.

As I said before, NO ONE can force you to stay married if you don't want to. There are NO guarantees that even if you follow a flawless marital recovery plan that your marriage will saved/rebuilt but if the time does come when you choose to end your marriage, then your efforts will help you tremendously in avoiding to repeat the mistakes of the past. But ultimately it is your call, isn't it?

TMCM

I'll let my signature line answer your question.

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