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This is the toughest thing I have ever faced. I found out 3 weeks ago my H of 13yrs (together 17) had an affair, started out as EA then turned PA, it had gone on 7 months, and the letters I found were very deep, they were very much in love. He referred to OW as the "love of his life" and his "bestfriend" and "how if it hadn't happened when it did it would of because there was always love" H says that nothing had been going on over the last 8 years, that it just started 7 months ago, when OW told him she had been in love with him for all that time, They only worked together when he was in her state. My H had broken off with her about 2 weeks before I found out, he then continued contact by phone for another month, even though I knew in my heart something was going on. We have only had 1 argument in all these years, so I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why this happened. I've been driving myself crazy I don't trust anything he does or says. of course he continued to lie about everything, even with the proof in his face. For 4 sleepless days (the 5 day I was scheduled for a major surgery) I kept begging for the truth, telling him to just get it all out so I can deal with it. H kept telling me "thats everything" only to find out more and more. I want so much to save this marriage, but how can you when you have lost faith in someone? We have started seeing a therapist but I'm afraid I'll never get through this. will this get easier? can you truely forgive someone after you have been betrayed? can a marriage survive such an emotional affair? and an PA that was "unprotected" I keep asking him if he loved me like he said how could he put my life in danger by not using protection. (of course he lied about the protection part, that came out many days later. Sometimes when I look at him I'm filled with such hatred and other times I feel like I love him completely and want to get past this. I had been posting in "just found out" and was advised to post on general to get more feed back.
DDay 3/05 BS 40 WS 37 Married 13yrs together 17yrs 2children (1 together)
BS(me)40
WS 38
M 13 years
Together 17 years
D-Day 3/05
two children-one together
Daughter 21
Son 12
1st granddaughter due in Sept.
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I am very sorry you are here due to this situation. My recommendation, based on what I perceive as the general concensus around here is this. Be sure you read WATs guide for you. It is in the just found out forums and is geared for the BS. Take care of your immediate sanity. If that means medication, then thats what it means. Take care of yourself first, meaning for you to be productive in any fashion, you have to get a handle on you. If you have already got this handle, then great, but I felt it important to say. Then, try to get your WS to come here and post, read information and gain perspective. If you really want the WS to snap out of it then he will need to gain the perspective of what he has done. Not unlike naming the problem and then dealing with it, which seems to be a popular method of conflict resolution. I big idea to get a hold of is that dealing with an issue does not mean tabling it and ignoring it. I have a resource I recently made for the WS. It is here. I am not an expert and I still have battles to fight... but there is lots of information gathered there and my hope is that it is helpful. I hope that you are able to gain help and perspective for your situation by some of the other folks here that have walked in your shoes. Prayers for you. patriot
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There are many of us who have been where you are right now. And we will help as much as we can, but you need to get busy reading Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley (click on bookstore at the top of the page and order it.) Also go ahead and buy His Needs, Her Needs - same place. Consider calling the counseling center and setting up a phone appointment with one of their counselors. You can find that info by clicking on Counseling Center at the top of the page, too.
Read all the articles on this website, basic concepts, etc. while you are waiting for the books to arrive.
The answer to your question is yes. Yes, you can probably save the marriage IF YOU WANT TO and are WILLING TO WORK HARD at changing yourself and learning to act in ways opposite our normal reactions.
Read the articles and the books. Focus on the success stories found here. Figure out what they did right, and copy it. If you can, get your spouse to come here, and work together on this. It can be done, IF you want it to.
I eat animals.
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Well, I rarely reply to new people because my emotions after a year are still somewhat topsy-turvy, but less intense. My H had an affair for almost 2 years, that I know of, and he looked me in the eyes and lied about it for 5 months, even though I had evidence to the contrary. The sad thing is that your story, my story, and everyones' story on this website is hardly unique. You probably did not realize it until it happened to you, but infidelity is one of the most painful things in life to experience. You have every right to be hurt, angry, scared, emotional, etc....The last thing you should be doing right now is making any life-changing decisions because I can assure you it will depend on the minute, hour, or day and it can change at the drop of a hat. Recovery of your marriage is a journey and it is tough. You take it one day at a time and do not ever deny that you have a right to feel the way that you do - just try to control the urge to say mean, hateful things to your spouse in an unconstructive way I guess. I have been where you are and it ain't pretty, but it does get better gradually.
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GP, I am very sorry you find yourself here among us, but please know that if you handle this right, there is a chance that you will end up with a good marriage and a loving H. All is not hopeless if you handle this correctly. You CAN survive this and we can help you do it.
The most important things you should do immediately is run to the bookstore and get Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. If you can't find it there, then order if off this website. They have cheap, fast shipping.
Secondly, it is real important to not let your emotions get the best of you right now. I know you are probably angry right now, but this is the worst possible time to bash him with a lovebuster, ie: disrespectful judgment, angry outburst, demands. It will only work against you now. That doesn't mean that you don't express your very deep hurt to your H, just don't do it a way that will push him away and make the OW look more attractive. You don't even want to give your H any ammunition that would justify his affair. See what I mean?
And lastly, do not accuse him with your suspicions, but start doing some snooping around to find out if contact has truly ended. ALL CONTACT MUST END forever and you cannot settle for less. Don't even consider it.
I would suggest asking him to send her a no contact letter [we have samples] telling her to never ever contact him again and that their affair was a huge mistake. His willingnesss to do this will tell you how committed he truly is to your marriage.
Is the OW married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Patriot92,
I was very lucky that I found MB so soon after finding out, I have read WATs guide so many times I probably have it memorized. My WS saw that I have been on this site and he started posting. H says the advise he has gotten (and unkind words) has given him some perspective on how I'm feeling, like he didn't believe me, I have made it very clear on what is expected of him, and so has a lot of other posters.
BS(me)40
WS 38
M 13 years
Together 17 years
D-Day 3/05
two children-one together
Daughter 21
Son 12
1st granddaughter due in Sept.
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MelodyLane, I have ordered Surviving the Affair, hopefully it comes quickly. We have discussed his A in great detail, of course he hesitant wants to answer all my questions, I had him read "Joseph's letter" and he started to see where I was coming from. H hates it that I keep wanting to know more, so I compaired it to a famous police beating case, the more you see the less shocking it is. I have to desensetize myself to it. I've snooped just about everyday. H had sent a short NC note the night I confronted him, today he had me mail a much more detailed letter to OW. (she is not married).
BS(me)40
WS 38
M 13 years
Together 17 years
D-Day 3/05
two children-one together
Daughter 21
Son 12
1st granddaughter due in Sept.
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goldenpups - Hi again. That is such good news! Very promising. The fact that he is posting here, and also wrote a NC letter is very, very encouraging. The NC letter is where the rubber meets the road. My WH refused to write one, said it was "pointless". He was completely correct - since contact continued.
For some strange reason (this is just my personal observation), if WS's are planning to continue the affair, they usually balk at the NC letter. I'm sure it happens that some write one, and then continue to have contact, but usually they refuse to write one at all.
So things are looking up for you and your husband. By the way, I let my WH know I was posting here from the start, and he never even checked out the site. Our marriage was just no that important to him.
Keep reading and posting and we will encourage and support the rebuilding of your marriage.
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GP What struck me by your post is that you have only argued 1 time during your marriage. That sent up a big red flag for me. It's very difficult to live with someone else-married or not. The fact that you only argued once says that either he gives in on everything or you do. Either way it's not healthy. How exciting would that be? So there's only been make up sex once? Think about that. No fighting doesn't mean a good relationship rather it points more toward no relationship. Something you might want to discuss with your counselor.
So often the truth is slow in coming out. He's built this up so much in his mind that admitting all the facts may just be too painful. You need to remember, the fog is preventing him from caring about anybody but himself at this point.
You asked if this will get easier and that's not easy to answer. You've just experienced a life changing event and "easier" is not the word. What has happened has taken your marriage down a path you were not expecting. Acceptance may be a better term. Acceptance of the changes that need to be made...one way or the other. You'll have to unwrap your head around the notion of what you thought your marriage was and accept it for what it has become. That I think is as difficult as the forgiveness. It is as if you decided to write with your left hand instead of your right.
Hang in there and know that takes time..more time than you can imagine. Know in the end all the hard work will pay off.
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Hi GP,
Glad you made the move over. You've received some great advice so far. Focus on you for a while. Nurture yourself during this very painful time. You need to heal.
When you're ready and willing, start doing an autopsy on your old marriage. I, too, was struck by your comment that you'd only had one argument during your entire married life. I think that may be a good starting point for rebuilding a new and better marriage.
Take care of yourself and hang in there. Things WILL get better.
Godspeed, Natalie
M 10 years
D-Day Dec 7/02
two children: 8 and 5
BS (Me) 40
WS 37
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"What struck me by your post is that you have only argued 1 time during your marriage. That sent up a big red flag for me. It's very difficult to live with someone else-married or not. The fact that you only argued once says that either he gives in on everything or you do. Either way it's not healthy."
jph,
Everyone thinks that is either odd or unhealthy, but we have always agreed on everything, from money to the kids. We always discuss things, but never argue. That 1 incident was a huge blowout, I had quit my job of 15 years at his urging, and about a year after he made a comment that I completely took the wrong way. So yes, we've only had make up sex once.
Iam not handling this very well, since he works from home I have to see him 24/7, which hasn't been that good for me the past few days, on our last therapy visit I asked him to leave for a while, (our therapist were not against this idea) we are starting with a week, I will be the one to initiate contact, we will meet at the office, work on things and go from there. I know some do not agree with this approach, but for my own sanity I needed a break from him, the anger, and resentment. H knows Iam not trying to punish him. I just need to off the rollercoaster for a bit. Maybe the break from seeing my pain and anguish will help him think about why he had this A. Since H has no idea why or how this happened. must be those aliens again huh?
BS(me)40
WS 38
M 13 years
Together 17 years
D-Day 3/05
two children-one together
Daughter 21
Son 12
1st granddaughter due in Sept.
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goldenpups -
Seperation is not recommended here, but only you know what you need.
Your husband is very typical in not knowing why or how this happened. Most WS's never in a million years planned to have an affair. It usually starts out as a friendship - completely innocent. Then they get entrapped by an emotional affair, and next a PA. It happens all of the time. That is why it is prudent to have boundaries in place, and not get too close to the opposite sex.
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since he works from home I have to see him 24/7, which hasn't been that good for me the past few days, on our last therapy visit I asked him to leave for a while, (our therapist were not against this idea) we are starting with a week, gp, please tell me I have read this wrong and you aren't actually making him leave?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, it was me that needed him to go for a little bit, I know it sounds crazy, usually its the WS that wants to go, because they can't handle the anger, questions etc. but I was literally having a nervous breakdown by not having any time away from H to process anything. I know to some it may seem I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, but this just feels like something I need right now, and If I can't fix me there will be no fixing us. Little background info:
H used to travel everyother week (for the past 4 or so years) Now he has changed his schedule to once a month. Iam not used to seeing him so much, I've been so used to being alone that it is comforting to me. H job has always involved a lot of travel, even when we first started dating, when I married him I accepted that, H loved his job and I was willing to support that. I've always had complete trust and faith in him, he was the first person in my life I trusted completely. His OW lives in a state that he does not travel to, H has only visited there 2 times, once for 3 days, what I call their honeymoon and the other he just meet her for breakfast, like I really believe that one. OW came to his company headquarters for 2 days, H had his "fun" one night and then broke up with her the next day. Said he knew A was wrong, loved his wife, gotta fix his marriage, but I can't get over they had to have goodbye sex, what ever happened to picking up the phone? H did that so many times over the past 7 months (sometimes when I was just in the next room). I walked in on him once, I wondered why he had the deer in the headlight look.
BS(me)40
WS 38
M 13 years
Together 17 years
D-Day 3/05
two children-one together
Daughter 21
Son 12
1st granddaughter due in Sept.
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goldenpups - Sweetie, it is horrible at first. But it does get better. Please believe that. You have had a huge shock. Hang on. I promise you things will get better.
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goldenpups, let me explain a little about what is going on with your H right now. Your H's affair is much like an addiction. You have seen for yourself that he has had a very hard time giving her up. He has sacrificed almost every principle he posesses, his family, his self respect, etc to carry on this affair. It's real important that you understand how very powerful this addiction is for him.
Right now your H is in serious withdrawal from the OW. In order for him to successfully withdraw, he needs something to HOLD ONTO while he is being battered with feelings so very powerful that he was willing to sacrifice everything.
By asking him to leave, you have left him with nothing to hold onto. Nothing. He cannot turn to you because you "cannot stand to look at him." You are disgusted and revolted by him.
Well, guess who is not disgusted and revolted by him?
Guess who adores him and would welcome him with open, loving arms? Guess who would help him feel like a MAN again?
You are essentially forcing him to make a choice right now:
1. suffer a painful withdrawal without the support of your W, who is too disgusted to look at you, for a future that holds nothing but judgment and recrimination
2. contact a welcoming, loving OW who thinks you're Mr Wonderful and avoid the withdrawal pains altogether
Which one would you choose if you were him, GP?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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GP, there is something else I want to throw out there for your consideration. Emotionally detached, lonely, married people make for very vulnerable people. Married people who travel alot are often very lonely and vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability that can overreact to any attention outside the marriage. The reason I suspect there was emotional detachment is because of his intensive traveling. You say that you are more comfortable alone, with him GONE. You are more comfortable without him. That tells me that you are emotionally detached from him. This in addition to the fact that you don't fight. Married people who are emotionally detached, don't care enough to fight. They don't really live together,in one life, they live parallel, seperate lives. There is nothing to fight about when you live seperate lives.
I wonder if this isn't the crux of the problem.
This makes me wonder if he isn't a very lonely, sad man who simply wants some female companionship in his life. And when the OW came along and provided that companionship, he was like a starving man in front of a buffet. He couldn't stop eating because he was ravenous.
Does any of this ring true, GP?
Because if it does, I fear that asking him to leave will simply be tantamount to throwing him into the arms of the OW. You will only be aggravating basic problem. What he needs right now is not punishment, but a realization of what demons drove him to this. He needs a life saver, and you are handing him an anchor while he is drowning. He needs the emotional support of his wife, not emotional banishment.
Now is the absolute worst time for a separation, GP. Please reconsider. Being apart has likely been a huge part of the problem in the past, it won't be the solution.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I never felt emotionally detatched from him, nor him from me, we were always very close, like a honeymoon every weekend. I hated it every time he had to go, and he expressed the same.
At one point early in our relationship just prior to the marriage he lived in another state and I only saw him on weekends,which was split between his mother and me. This was something that I accepted. I always saw relationship/marriage as acceptance of everything, I was not in it to change him.
On the fighting issue, he grew up in a very volitile home with lots of arguing and nagging, and I've known from the start that he did not want to have a marriage like that, so I wanted his life to be peaceful, with all the traveling I thought that the little things didn't matter. That's all they were, little things, wipe up the coffee ring on counter, pick up the socks, to me those were not things to bicker/nag about. H says he had no complaints about me either.
The OW has always been there for the last 8 years, when she told him how she has always been in love with him(yes she knew he was married, she has seen pictures of me and our children) Ow stroked his ego (H was on a trip that he really didn't want to go on, but couldn't get out of). The door was opened and he ran through. H has said he felt uncomfortable around other women before and he removed himself from situation, why couldn't he do it this time? H doesn't have that answer (or so he says)
He went to OW with me (his lifesaver)here, if him leaving sends him back to OW(she's the anchor) then I guess she is what he really wants. I don't want to spend my life wondering if I was really the one he wanted to be with. I think it would of been different if H had come to me about A and not been caught. I told him one night in Dec. that there were 3 people in our bed, giving him the opportunity to come clean, he didn't seize it then. (says now that he thought I knew something). Says he told OW about our conversation.
If he continues to work on "his" issues ("on why he did what he did", his words, not mine) through therapy, proves that I'm the only one he wants and starts showing that I can trust and believe in him then maybe I can move forward. I know it seems like I am cutting my nose off to spite my face, but I've got to think of me, he obiously didn't. H knows I am not punishing him and he says he understands and he accepts how this has to be for now. I've got to think of how our "discussions" (and my emotions) are affecting our child and us. (I try not say things that I can't take back).
We are taking the seperation 1 week at a time. A decision will be made every week on if it should go another week or not. Last night was my first night without him here and I actually slept through the night, I need the peace and time to sort out if I can go on with this M or not. I know many do not agree with my approach, but the way I look at it, this is now about me and my sanity.
BS(me)40
WS 38
M 13 years
Together 17 years
D-Day 3/05
two children-one together
Daughter 21
Son 12
1st granddaughter due in Sept.
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He went to OW with me (his lifesaver)here, if him leaving sends him back to OW(she's the anchor) then I guess she is what he really wants. I don't want to spend my life wondering if I was really the one he wanted to be with. Well, I don't think she is really the one he wants to be with, however, she does fill some need for him and he is clearly in withdrawal from her. However, it would be insane to expect sanity from an insane man in the throes of withdrawal. Since he can't be with you she would certainly be an attractive alternative. Seperations are often tantamount to throwing the WS into the arms of the OP. I think you are making it very tempting for him by punishing him like this. [yes, it is punishment, you can say it isn't, but it is] She isn't banishing him by telling him she can't stand to look at him, you are. You are essentially tempting an addict to relapse by offering him only pain, instead of any relief or hope in his withdrawal. And what is his reward for this punishment? A life of recrimination as far as the eye can see? Can't you see that booting him out during withdrawal is absolutely the worst thing you can do? Ask yourself who you would rather be with if you were him? Who treats him better? GP, please use some reason here and recognize the risk you are introducing into your marriage. You need to be together to resolve this problem, staying apart might make you feel good temporarily, but it only puts off the problem. You can't heal a marriage ALONE. The problem is still there in the morning, except in your case, you are likely to have NEW problems because you have pushed your H away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MelodyLane, I appreciate and do take to heart everything you have said. You are a very wise person. Thank you for not pulling any punches and putting it all out there. I really do appreciate your insite.
GP
BS(me)40
WS 38
M 13 years
Together 17 years
D-Day 3/05
two children-one together
Daughter 21
Son 12
1st granddaughter due in Sept.
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