Here is my (long) version of my story: My husband and I met the first weekend that we started college, (I was 17, he was 18) and were together the entire four and half years that we were there. Our relationship was very dependent upon each other,neither of us spending much time without the other through all of those years, and if/when I did spend time with my friends, I usually did it alone.
Before him, I had only casually dated a couple of guys in high school, but nothing serious at all. He had never really dated anyone at all before me. So we both fell "head over heels" into a relationship, and began looking
forward to, and planning, for that "future" we couldn't wait to start. We both graduated from college this past December and moved from our college town to a new city. He is used to living in a city, but I grew up in a very suburban lifestyle, and knew this new city would
take some getting used to. I have my teaching degree, and I
decided to substitute teach while I got to know this new area and find schools where I want to apply. (We moved down here because he took a job in Northern Illinois, and commutes about 45 min each day) Then our wedding day came
and went about two months ago. To be completely honest, I didn't feel like I thought I would on my wedding day, don't get me wrong, it was an absolute blast, but I mean with him specifically, I just sort of felt "different".
And that freaked me out. It sounds so bad to say, but I just felt sort of like I was going through the motions.
Maybe I should back up a bit! Throughout our college relationship we had our problems, but always stayed together, and now I just wonder if it was because we were each other's "safe" place. (I hope that makes sense) There was a time about a year and half ago that he started
acting funny, and it turned out that he had developed a crush on one of his co-workers on campus. At the time I was devastated, and could only see that I was going to lose him. We technically broke up for about 2 weeks so
that he could "explore" what he was feeling (nothing ever ended up happening with him and her). I now regret that during that time I couldn't see beyond losing him, and didn't use that time to explore my own feelings for anyone else or even just enjoy being by myself.
About two weeks before the wedding I freaked out. I didn't know if I could marry him and didn't know what to do. But once again, I listened to everyone who told me that it was just "cold feet" and the stress of moving to a new place, new jobs, and the wedding. They assured me that it
would be okay once the wedding was over. Now that I look back I almost regret not listening to my gut feeling. I was terrified to do anything but go through with the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband, but I
just feel like something is missing. I should explain something else a bit more...There is another man, a friend of mine from high school, that I have always been good friends with. But there has always unspokenly been more...we
always flirted shamelessly,and both really liked each other, but for some reason we were always too shy to admit it to each other. In college we continued to talk and get together every now and then, and we ended up finally openly
admitting to each other how we "felt". But it was kind of bittersweet,seeing as we were both in relationships. My husband knows now that this guy and I had feelings for each other in high school, and never dated or anything, but it ended up that we didn't invite him to the wedding because I
didn't want to make my husband feel "uncomfortable". I now feel SO Terrible for not having him there,and my friend was very hurt to hear he missed it. I expressed this to my husband and he apologized and said he shouldn't
have said not to invite him. Anyways...I feel that maybe this friend is now making me see how things could be, or just making me realize that I am "missing" something in my relationship with my husband...With that said, I know that dating this friend would not be "perfect" and I don't idealize a relationship with him, in fact, if I did everleave my husband I would not want to be in
relationship for quite awhile. I expressed my feelings of sadness and being unhappy to my mom and she is quite upset with me. She wonders how I could do this just a short time
after the wedding, and questions why I got married. My family is pretty traditional, in that divorce is really looked down upon, and I was always that way too, that once I got married, that was going to be that. But now I'm so unhappy all the time, and I feel like when I am happy that it's forced. I keep wondering if I made a mistake getting married, and then I wonder if I would make a bigger mistake getting divorced. I care for my husband, and hate to see him sad and hurting because I'm not happy. But I
have lost that "physical" want for him, and I don't know why. I think it's been a long time coming,and that I have tried to ignore it and just be "happy" because that's how it was supposed to be. I don't know what to do. If I were not married I think I would take some time to just be by
myself. But I am newly married, and my mom says I owe it to everyone to try to give it a lot more time. I can just go back to feeling like I am "pretending" to be happy, and I think I will have to for at least awhile.
I would hurt a lot of people by divorcing him, but I just don't feel the same. My husband is devastated that I'm not happy, and feels as though he did something wrong. He says he'll do anything to make it work out, and I just can't
reassure him at this point because I'm really confused.
How do you know when to hang on and try to make things work... I know that I don't feel the same "love" for my husband that I did a few years ago. I'm scared to do anything because I don't know if divorce is the right decision? Please Help!

[color:"blue"] Hi New Bride,

Firstly let me tell you that it is a well documented fact that about 3 years into a relationship the lust hormones fade. This is natural and not a foreshadowing of doom. You will just need to work on exploring your sexuality a little with your husband - find out what new things you can try and fine tune what each of you like and feels best.

As for the other man. We will all tell you at this site to break off all contact with him. All contact. Period.

Your husband does not stand a chance of winning back your feelings of love as long as you keep contact with this other man and if you want to give your marriage a fair shot then you will have to give your husband a fair shot.

Next you need to read the info on this site and maybe order some of the books.

You should then be getting ready to tell your husband.

All of it. The other man the sexual disatisfaction, whatever.

He deserves to know it all - to know you.

Sunny [/color]

You have started down one path, but now you are wondering whether another path might have been better. You're wondering whether you may have somehow cheated yourself.

The truth is, you will never know. No matter what path you chose, or what path you now choose - or what path you ever choose - you will never know what else might have been.

If you divorce your husband and go looking for the perfect fantasy, you are some day likely to find yourself wondering whether you cheated yourself by leaving.

You are apparently in the grip of an attitude of discontent which is less a product of your circumstances than it is a product of your own inner landscape. You won't find happiness by chasing phantoms (or running away from them), and you won't find happiness by passively "accepting" your lot and "pretending" to be happy. No, if you want to be happy, you're going to have to change your inner landscape. You're going to have to change your perspective.

Let's start with where you are now...

From what you have written, you have a husband who loves you. Moreover you are apparently in a marriage built on "first loves," which is a much more precious thing than you are currently able to appreciate. Whether you realize it or not, you are very blessed.

But you are not satisfied. You know you are not satisfied, and you are sufficiently honest with yourself to admit it.

Actually, that's good. Many people go through their lives being complacent about their circumstances and relationships. They have no thought that their lives and relationships could be so much more. You, on the other hand, are not complacent. You do want something more!

But don't make the mistake of waiting for it to just happen to you. Don't make the mistake of throwing away the treasures you have, when you could instead use what you have to build what you want.

Here's an obscure little secret: true happiness doesn't come from your circumstances. Yes, we find delight or pain in our circumstances, but true happiness flows from within - from knowing that you are the person you want to be, the person you are meant to be!

So decide first what the person you would like to be would do in your circumstances. Would she throw in the towel when afflicted with doubt? Or would she at least give it her best shot first?

Your husband says he'll do anything to make it work out. That is very, very good news. Hold him to it. Get some help and get your husband to work with you. The materials available here are very good, and you might also seriously consider marriage counseling. A good marriage is not instinctive or automatic, and I think marriage counseling should be highly recommended even for couples whose marriages seem to be going well, because there is always something more to be learned.

If you choose, you can turn your confusion into a sense of anticipation. You have the exciting opportunity to learn how to build a strong marriage. Will you embrace that opportunity or run from it?