MB'ers - please help Dan on his request below:

"Hi,

Sorry, I can't help you with your problem, but it sounds like you can help me.

I just recently became very suspicious that my wife is seeing someone else. Suspicious signs are everywhere...she can't look me in the eye anymore, they avoid each other when we're all together, he is awkward in my presence.

After I expressed my jealousy over the attention she was getting from this person (before they started avoiding each other), she now every once in a while goes into a *bashing* of this person's character in my presence and asks me my opinion. Then she suggested that I distance myself from this person.

Anyway, you said that exposing the relationship was the best. How do you go about doing this when you don't have positive proof? Do you need to get proof? How? Then if you have proof how do you approach the task itself?

It may be too late though, I see signs that she will be getting rid of me for this other person. She is shutting me out emotionally, physically and as caretaker; whenever we start to make a connection she turns away; but continues to say nothing is wrong when I try to talk about our relationship. Both families have kids aged 7 and 10, so I'm afraid for our kids as well.

I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my marriage, but I am willing to change myself and do anything to keep her.

--Dan"



Dan -There have been many exhaustive threads on exposure. I believe at least one veteran has put together a "quick-start" guide to exposure. The best advice I can give you is this: If you are sure there is an affair going on, then expose. Do not wait. Do not pass go. Do not collect $100. Exposure is the single greatest weapon in your arsenal. It can also be the scariest one to use. Kind of like a 'nuke.

Since you are new here, also look for "WATs Quick Start guides for the BS" It will get you up to speed quickly. Good luck. You'll get lots of help here.
-Befuddled

Dan,
I'll add a few more thoughts to try and get you started.

First step is to determine if your wife is really having an affair. Many betrayed spouses, including myself, later can't believe how oblivious they were to something going on right under their noses. But this is really the fact that before discovery, your “spidey senses” aren't tuned to look for the details. So, from someone who has been through it:
check phone records; check bank records; verify that your wife was where she said she was. In fact, for the next few days, treat anything your wife tells you, no matter how mundane, as needing verification. If she tells you she got eggs at the grocery, check to see if she actually bought eggs. You will be amazed, if she is having an affair, how much of what you took for granted is not as it seems. This is part of the damage of an affair. Reality gets turned upside down and shaken around. Please understand that I’m not telling you to challenge your wife about everything she says. Act no differently. Just verify what she says.

Another dead give away will be if you can get yourself in the presence of your wife and the man you are suspicious of. Both will be extremely nervous. Shaky voices, sweat, avoiding eye contact are just a few of the signs. If you are looking for it, it will jump out at you.

More drastic steps include installing key-logger software, if your wife uses the home computer much, installing a GPS tracker in her car and hiring a PI to investigate. Chances are that if you are looking you will find something before you need to spend money on these last options. People in affairs are never really as sneaky as they think they are being.

Do not expect to question the truth out of your wife. If she is having an affair she won’t tell you until you can present her with undeniable evidence. And even then she may still deny it. At one point, my wife asked me why I was accusing her of continued contact. I handed her a print out of an email she had sent the OM which was very explicit. She read it, looked at me for a moment and then said “you are misinterpreting that!” I can’t repeat on this forum what was in the email, but suffice it to say there was absolutely no way anyone could have misinterpreted the email.

So there is your first installment. More to come. Let us know if you find anything suspicious. This is rough stuff. Be sure to take are of yourself. Eat when you can stomach it and sleep when you can. You need energy and your strength to get through this if it is an affair.

-Befuddled

Thanks, I'll try to take care of myself!

Other signs:

1) My wife seems to know when this person is out of town. She's always talking about him.
2) Last time this person flew back from a trip (a night flight), my wife had to run to the store. She got all the things she said she would, but it took longer than I thought it should. I called her on her phone and she didn't answer so I hung up. She called back and ragged on me for "checking on where she was" and then said she was turning her phone off. She said she was in line at the store, but I didn't here any background noise to confirm this.
3) She has a lovely card she keeps in her dresser next to where she sleeps. It talks about not being able to hold you often enough. I thought it was for me, but it has been there for several months. There is no signature or writing on it.
4) This other person works where I do. His calendar shows a private meeting every week. My wife seems to be either gone or on the phone at this time.

danj