I am new here, but have been lurking for awhile. My WH may be lurking, so I am cautious about revealing details and may not be able to reply as much as I like, but please give me any tips/advice you have-- I really need the support right now.
We have both had affairs within the last 6 mos. I realized at one point that the affair (mine) was not healthy and I wanted to focus on improving my marriage. I ended mone after 3-4 mos.
I discovered the existence of WH's OW a few months ago and D/D of the PA was in late February/early March. Have had one failed recovery from that D/D, but atleast 2-3 prior to that with more and more information being discovered each time about their relationship. Current recovery has been about a month.
My WH and I had a very happy relationship that went off track when the kids arrived. I believe strongly in our marriage and what it could be if we would both try to improve and determine what what got us to this place. We were each other's best friends and this all really just creeped up on us gradually--no really obvious signs (hindsight is 20-20 though).
I sometimes feel he really is not trying and I know I cannot make him. I got the,"I am not in love with you speech" in Dec. He did fall in love with her.
Recovery has been hampered by the lies and failed recoveries. I am afraid to believe him because he has burned me so many times, but I believe this time is really it. At some point, I have to have faith and trust my instincts, but I am also afraid. Every failed attempt has made me lose feelings for WH. We are in recovery (supposedly), but he resists so much of what is recommended by JHC and MB it makes me wonder about his intentions and makes me so angry and hurt. Why won't he fight for us? He resists the extraordinary precautions--actually seems to feel like they are LB, he does not show remorse, will not quit his job (they work together), does not work too hard on his EN list for me, and I feel he is deeply in the fog (He is not the man I married, he is cruel and uncaring, but I feel him coming out of it. The reason he ended the A was because "I did not want to live like that anymore.") I am so much needing his support and caring right now and I just do not see it. I realize in some ways I am reaping what I sow because of my affair, but I am still here despite his actions and I have not given up. Lately, things have improved, and my EN Plan (possibly Plan A) is going well. But, every time I turn around, something will happen and I am so emotionally upset right now, I cannot take us not getting along. He also cannot deal with it either. He is not there for me emotionally. I really need to feel he atleast cares about me and I rarely see it. When we do not get along and I LB, I beat myself up over it because I feel like this is my chance and I am squandering it. But, I also see how hard I am trying and when I do not see the same from him, it makes me lose even more feelings. My plan is to do the best Plan A/EN list I can, and if we have another failed recovery, then we all know what will happen next. I hope to not have to go that route, but cannot help wondering if it is inevitable based on previous failed reoveries. One good thing is that there seems to be less and less contact with OW each time we have had a failed recovery.
Any advice/similar stories/support greatly appreciated. What did you all do when this was happening? Any insight into WH's feelings/motivations also greatly appreciated. Reading all the posts has been a life-saver at times when I could not take anymore.
BTW- we are both on Anti-Ds, but I think his need to be stronger. He states withdrawal Sx are well under control.
I am looking at "Torn Asunder" and the one by Steinkamp about the Prodigal Son (do not have title), I have HN/HN, SAA, and Dobson's book. Any opinions on which of the 2 books above I should read next?
