Here goes! I am fairly new to the site. I will start to to keep the record clear I am in this situation because of my infidelity. I begin a three yera affair after my marriage begin. Upon the discovery of my affiar my wife's mother worked with us to keep our marriage in tact for us and our three year old daugther. I was pleased to know that we could work on my marriage and come to to some resolve. Shortly after the discovery of my marriage I found out that my wife had a male friend which she had been friends with for about 1 year and a half at this point. I expressed my dislike to this and requested my wife to stop talking with him. She refused and stated he is just a friend and that he was there for her during the physical and verbal abuse. I had no real ground to stand on after all I had the affair and my bad relatiionship is what pushed her to having a male friend. over the next month after my affiar had been brought out and the new discovery of my wifes male friend I found out he flew her out of state to spend a weekedn with him. I was very upset, but I believed my wife when she said nothing happened. I also called this male friend to inquire why he would need to fly my wife to she him the conversation turned sour and we began arguing ending with the man threatening my life and stating he could make me disappear as he was an FBI agent. As the weeks progressed I begin to noticed her demanor around me to be depressed or very sad. I would try an ifnd ways to talk to her but it seemed like all we would was talk about was my affair. Shortly after this I began to noticed he getting on her cell phone as soon as she would leave the house. Ia sked her about this and she stated that she was talk to a co-worker. Eventually when Iwould meet her places she would be on her phone in happy spirits, but as soon as she saw me she would get off. This went on for several weeks and once in her office while looking for the checkbook I noticed her password for her cell phone so I decided to check her records. I found out that she had been talking to this male friend everyday during the month for extended periods of time. The I noticed she began to get text messages and I checked her phone. I would see messages suh as thanks for the card, Im trying to fall out of love with you but you make it so hard or messages like I miss you!. If I were to asked her abou these she would say that I was turning the situation around on her and did not want to face up to my affair. And that I would never understand her relationship with her male friend. I stopped checking her phone records and telephone because she felt like it was an invasion of her privacy. Several weeks had went by before Easter weekend and we had company in town, she and her friend were headed to the store. About an hour and a half had went by and they had not returned. About thirty minute later went by and she called me to com pisck her and her friend up as her car had broke down. When I asked where they had been she gave me the name of a bar that had bee shut down for several months I went to see what the problem was and she wasbroke down in front of a hotel. Wjhen we arrived hom I calmly asked her to come upstairs for a minute and I inquire about her actual whereabouts. She then staed that her and her friend purchased some drinks from the store and drank them in the car in a vacant parking lot. Taking her word we went downstairs and along with her friends we discussed where we would go for midnigt breakfast. During the conversation as I am standing next to my wife her cell rung and she answered and there was a male voice asking have you mad it home, she replied yes and then went on to say who would you like to speak with, you have the wrong number, the caller stated something else and then hung up. I waited until breakfast before asking her about this and she completely broke down and went off on me. I felt as if I were crazy. The next few weeks were off and on. I gnored her coming home late or going on midday shoppings sprees as they are normal for her and her therapy. On one Tue she had mentioned that she was going ou of town and flying I did not say anything but I guess she saw the look on my face and decided to follow me and go off on me as about my affair and her having no freedom. We had a two day arguement.
This is where my dilema come into play. My curiosity had gotten the better of me when I recieved an emali stating find out anything you want with just a telephone number. So I thought to myself why not find out this guys name since I already have his number. I took the number down and called they were able to give the mans name. With his first and last name I called the FBI office to see if he actually worked there and to my findings he did not. This mad me only more curious as my wife did one time disclosed his birthdate after question about the card she had sent him. I then called the internet number back and was able to get this persons birthdate. It was differnet than that of what my wife had told me. I then called the number back and there were able to get me this persons telephone record as I wanted to know if that was him who had called my wife that night while we were all in the Kitchen and it WAS. Once I recieved his phone record I began caling the numbers in town (as he was from out of town) just to see who he called here and each number was to that of a female. I then also discovered from on of the numbers was the the same hotel that my wifes car had broken down. WHen Imade the attempt to onfront my wife with this she withdrew and refused to talk. I became so furious I began to call the numbers on th list and the second number on the list to this guys wife. I did feel bad for calling this mans wife but from what he had told my wife he was single and did not have any living relatives. With all the lying he did she is very upset at me saying that I am too possessive and controlling saying I should have just belived in her and tahat she is afriad of her life because she fears what I might do next. True to the cause I do belieive my wife when she said that she did not have a sexual affair with this man. But the cards where stacking up pretty high I wanted answers. Was I right or wrong! Am I an invader of peoples privacy. My wife thinks so and she is so fed up that she is ready to walk. To leave no room for doubt there was no sexual affiar on her behalf but I did Have my affair.

James,

Go read up on Plan A and Plan B. That is the best first step you could take here IMHO.

I am sure others will have more to add.

Take care
Tiggy

James,

Your W MAY not have had a PA [physical affair] but she most definitely is having an EA [emotional affair] with this OM [other man]. An integral part of Plan A is exposure of an affair to those closest to the WS [wayward spouse] such as her mother and father IF the WS refuses to end all contact with the OP [other person]. Affairs thrive on lies and secrecy but once they are exposed, their days are usually numbered.

In the meantime please purchase and read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'His Needs, Her Needs', 'Surviving An Affair', and 'Love Busters' [This last one should be mandatory reading for every couple]. These books will help you to avoid pushing your W further towards the OM and create an emotional environment where she can feel safe in opening up to you. Please do so ASAP.

TMCM