BACKGROUND
Last year we had 2 ddays. The A was over. Our child was born. Two months later H moves out. At one point here H meets with divorce lawyer to learn more about it. A few months into the separation the A starts up again (I do not know). I am plan Aing, even though the A is "over" and H states in February that he wants to come home. Moves back home permanently by the end of February. Things start to dramatically improve for us, as we are have more fun and spending more quality time together.

In April I find cell bill that shows that communication was going on during separation. I tell H I know something and his answer better match up with what I know. H confesses continued A. He's also met OW's parents. OW wants H to divorce me. H says he is not ready or something along those lines. But H says, he ended it and there has been no contact since.

CONTACT CONTINUES - more divorce info
Well guess what? Duh. This weekend I found the latest cell phone records that showed he's had contact as late as 4/14. Also, I discovered more divorce stuff (generic form describing how children are divided between parents) with names of mediators. I confront H and he denies, I show him the information and ask him if he moved back home just so he could establish stronger custody rights? H says that he thinks I might be better off without him and that he thought he'd look more into the divorce process since he's still in contact and can't seem to completely break it off. I'd be better off without him.

So, there is contact, not sure to what extent, but I know they had lunch together two weeks ago. H says he doesn't know how to stop it. Wants to stay married to me but it seems like every time he ends it, she keeps coming back. H said he'll call this counselor I found through Everyman's Battle today and set up an appointment. H hopes to get a plan from the IC on how to overcome this addiction (We'll see). What he told me: He's told her that he loves me more than he loves her, and all this other stuff. She thinks that if he still meets with her and talks to her, they are meant to be together. Obviously, someone is getting false information, is it me, or her, or both?

I told H that peace is not a value I desire. I want honesty. I told him that I do not care what people think anymore, and that I'm thinking of exposing the A because he is unable to end it on his own. (Have no idea whom to tell - there is our parents - but of all of our parents I think his dad might be the best. A former minister, he had an A that resulted in an OC and destroyed his marriage to WS's mom). H has though of this too BUT everyone just found out that FIL's wife has a tumor on her liver (?) and H doesn't know if it's right to involve his dad right now. Maybe his dad would benefit by helping someone else?

Not sure if I should tell WS's mother or my parents. (Am I crazy? I don't want people to hate him or make things uncomfortable for him? I need help with this. I think what might be better for him is dealing with the consequences of the A. Why am I afraid to do this?

Who should I expose to? There are some of my H's good friends that know OW. I don't know how to think my way through exposure very well.

H seems really glad that I know everything and that he can be honest with me. I told him that until he proves to me otherwise I'm just going to assume that contact is on-going. This however has been not a great strategy for me because when I think about them talking everyday I get down.

We had a really nice time this weekend. And it just makes me confused. H is planning all these things for us in the future. He bought us U2 tickets for September, he's fixing up the lawn. He call me to celebrate things. He kisses me and is affectionate and he jokes with me again (this is so different from last year) he thanks me for not giving up on him. He compliments me and looks for ways for us to spend more time together. This is all different from last year.

Divorce Busting says you should pave a path of least resistance back home for the WS, and they view MB as hardcore. I've been in conflict about this as it relates to exposure. I've never exposed in the past because the A was always "over". Well, when people are in an "A" all they seem to do is deny, deny, deny. Well, I think I've been doing this as well, but I've been denying something else.

Tonight I'm going to a BAN (Beyond the Affair Network) support group.

I know I am a MBer who doesn't "get it" - but please work with me a little bit. I want to "get it" - I'm scared of the answer, but I need to bring honesty and dignity back into my life. So, I'm ready to shed the BS fog. I know people get frusterated with BS's who are slow learners....

Hi Loy. I have a suggestion, because I can understand the complexity of exposure in this situation with your MIL being ill....sticky sitch. Suggest/encourage your H to talk to his daddy on his own. With his experience, his dad seems like a person who could be invaluable. Also, it's okay to go back and say...."yanno, even though I know contact is ongoing....it's really not okay with me. What steps do we need to take together to ensure that she can no longer get in touch with you. Let's change your cell phone number for one thing. (Oh and by the way....you can get him a new phone that has a GPS tracking device on it...without his knowledge...drastic I know...but available through Nextel I think). What else would make it impossible for her to contact him? Help him resist temptation when possible.

hugs!!!

What about exposure to other people? I need someone to tell me it's necessary and why because I think I'm an exception to this rule. I think, he's making progress... do I really need to expose?

But, there is still contact. I want to protect my spouse, but I can't protect him from himself. Me protecting him from himself may just encourage the situation. Right? Round and round.

I am having trouble working the new search boards.

When I've asked him what steps could we take to block her getting in touch with him, he stalls. This is an answer that he still wants contact, right?

Is every WS who has trouble ending the A a Cake Eater?

The truth is, I don't have much to give. There is no chance for reconciliation if there is contact. There is no way we can get to no contact if H is not willing to take extraordinary measures to prevent it.

Our family is worth extraordinary measures to protect it from destruction. I don't see how I can avoid exposure if he avoids all possible steps to prevent contact. (Someone tell me if they agree with me on this?) But I should just do it and not use it as a threat...

Here are people I would tell for sure:
His parents and step mom.
His best friend from college
His best friend from high school

People I might tell:
my parents
our 4 combined siblings aged between 21 and 23

How much exposure?

Other ideas: I could send a letter to OW's parents stating my intent to save my marriage.

Loy~

I think you need to expose.

Never protect someone from the consequences of their actions.
I'm paraphrasing I think that is not exact quote from Noodle.
Wise words.

I would def. do
His parents and step mom.
His best friend from college
His best friend from high school
And the OW's parents.

Then go from there.

I am so sorry you are still going through this mess. (((loy)))
Hugs, Frags

Never threaten exposure, only do. No warning, only do. No guilt for doing something to stop an evil affair. And affairs are evil.

Pep

I am scared and very nervous. I'm not sure what to say, but I want to start with H's father, but I've already tried calling him twice but he has yet to pick up.
I bet he's at work. Duh.

I should probably move on to his mother...I'm going to quick review WAT guidelines. I am a little bit shaky.

I was terrified before I exposed. Almost sick at my stomach when I called OWH. But the more I exposed, the better I felt, and the more I regained my self confidence and CONTROL of the situation. I thought exposure would drive WH away, but it did not. However, I want to warn you that you might not see immediate results. But you might! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really am not excited to do this. I will always find an excuse for why now is not the right time. Just like a WH who want to end the A still leaves a bit of the door open.

Why is it scary doing the right thing? What can it mess up? My marriage. Whatever.

It is scary doing the right thing. Even though my current situation is messed up, a part of me is so familiar with it that it feels safe. It is sad that I am used to this A.

Just tried call FIL again and no answer.

Change requires risks. Sorry I am whining, just venting. Trying to drum up courage before, I ah hem, attack.

Exposed to FIL on 5/3. Hasn't really helped much. Yet.

H is burying head in sand.

I am so tired. Shouldn't have had SF this morning, but it's confusing cause I honestly like being aroung him. It's when I'm at work that I have a hard time. Wh says he wants to break it off with her he just doesn't know how to do it in a way that will work.

I told him that we can't save our marriage if he's in contact with her. He said he knows. I said that I can't waste energy on trying to save our marriage when its impossible (because of contact). I counseled today with Penny Tupy. I want H to talk to her Monday, but we'll see. He does have a IC appointment Tuesday.

He said he doesn't like talking to people, he wants to do things that will help me. Well, I want NC.

He said that what helps him is when we have a nice time as a family. How much can he respect me if he's still in contact? Not much.

When you expose, expose to EVERYONE. Your friends, his friends, his family, your family, church, whatever. It is recommended that you expose in ever widening circles. Start with those closest to you and work your way out.

You did FIL. Any brothers or sisters? Grandparents? Cousins you are close to?

Then your closest friends - best friends, then other couples you are both close to.

If you are active in your church, start with the pastor. Then Sunday School teacher. You get the idea.

Just keep enlarging the circle. It will make a difference sooner or later. But don't stop with just one person. And be prepared. He's gonna be MAD!! GOOD!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ME: Good job self, you exposed to FIL! That's a good first step. Who is next?

*****

MYSELF: Not sure, going to wait to see if I can get H to talk to Penny.

*****

ME: You should've exposed right away.

****

MYSELF: Whenever I discovered the A I thought it was over.

****

ME: And now?

****

MYSELF: Well, he's trying to end it.

****

ME: How do you know? What actions has he shown you?

****

MYSELF: Well, if he meets with IC Tuesday, that is something that is important to me.

****

ME: Why don't you expose to everyone?

****

MYSELF: Cause it's scary, and maybe he will help me pick friends to expose to set up some kind of accountability structure. In some wierd way, I'd rather just leave home than do more exposure.

****

ME: You would rather go straight to Plan B instead of exposing to everyone?

****

MYSELF: It would be easier to expose if I was in Plan B.

****

ME: You are hopeless.

Bingo! Sure, he wants to have a nice time as a family. Yep, happy little family, happy little ***** on the side. What more could a man want? This is called being a cake eater, and yours is eating huge chunks (with icing.) Put in writing what No Contact means to you - give it to him and say "This is the LEAST I will accept. You say you like doing things with the family. This family is not interested in a part time father/husband. Either you are part of our family or you are not. It's your decision."

Grow a tough skin. You're gonna need it.

Don't know why I'm scared. He doesn't care that I'm mad, he still contacts her. I shouldn't care that he's mad.

Why does he know just the right things to say to get me to stick around a little longer?

I want to call OW and ask her who is he stringing along, her or me? But that is also a bad idea.

Is exposing like giving birth? You know theres no avoiding it, but GOd, does it have to come out that way? At least with giving birth I had drugs.

H and I sort of made a plan together. I can’t stand to be around H while he’s still in contact without love busting. It’s too draining and demeaning. I am too tired. I’ve got a room in a motel 8 for a week. H is planning to break it off this week. I told him I need proof and he needs to run it by other people (his dad and preferably a woman) before he “does it.” I am doing to go completely dark for the rest of the week and if I talk to FIL on Sunday and I have no proof that it has ended, I’m going to stay dark.

This whole thing is crap.

I need to figure out a way to be in our home and be able to exchange kids without seeing him, cause I don't beleive NC is possible. For now, being in a Motel 8, for the first time in 10 months I'll be able to sleep through the night.

H said that if I tell my parents it'll hurt our recovery. Probably not as much as having a girlfriend hurts our recovery.

This is typical liar's logic ... don't buy it.

EVERYONE knew about my H's A ... and we're recovered just fine thank you very much.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Don't negotiate exposure...because he's going to do his best to ensure that you don't expose to those people who it would be most effective to expose to.

There's no reason why you should have to move out of your house so that he can end the A...this isn't something that takes a week to do. It takes moments...to write and send a NC letter. Then a little longer to sit with you and work out those 'extraordinary measures'.

Bluntly, realize that if you continue to negotiate with him, you're simply going to enable him to stretch this out for as long as he can. Set clear boundaries, with clear consequences for breaking those boundaries...and communicate those to him. Don't let HIM set the boundaries...make it very clear what he's got to do to maintain this marriage, and let him know what will happen if he chooses not to take these steps.

I know it's tough, but hang in there.

I am surprized how many people already know but haven't known what to do about it.