Yes, if I continue to negotiate with him I enable.

I am glad to be out of the house and be alone for a few days, but I probably should've kicked him out.

I don't know why it takes so long for him to end it, and not doing anything is a clear decision on his part.

Trying to work up the courage to talk to more people. I think H feels that I've assured him that I won't tell more people. Being alone is helping me feel more confident that living the truth and not hiding behind secrecy is the way to go. Heard a sermon the other day that said without truth there is no grace.

He doesn't want it to end 100% ... maybe keep a 20% margin .... "just in case" he changes his mind.

Pep

Pep,

That 20% is going to poision everything else. YUCK. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

I guess H and OW were spotted out and about together last month. Have I negotiated away my right not to tell my family by giving him til Sunday?

I don't think so, but there is that last 20% that keeps me doubting. I have a lot in common with H.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I hate having enabled this.

I am so embarrased, by how little I have respected myself, and how little I can trust myself to stand up to H. I never thought I'd have to protect myself from my H.

What do I need? What are my boundaries?

NC forever
Transparency
MC for 1 year
A circle of accountability

how do I know when there is NC?
how do I know when there is transparency?
how do I know what is real?

how do I protect my boundaries?

Here is your number one issue today.

He will continue the affair because he is "comfortable", and YOU are CHOOSING to enable the affair by NOT exposing him because you are afraid of making him "uncomfortbable".

It is hard, we know, but just STOP talking about doing it, AND JUST DO IT !!!

You can't make your cheating spouse do anything, but there are things you can do to to maximize the chances of this affair neding sooner. (For the record there is a 98.7% chance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> that this deceitful affair would end anyway, it just may take longer if you let it run it's course. Exposure, IS IMHO the best strategy of ending an affair.

These Marriage Building principles will not guarantee you saving a marriage (NO offense to Mimi), but they CAN work if you follow them, and NOT add your modifications.

Goodluck and best wishes.

if you want the principles to work, you have to work the principles !!!

LM

It's been a busy time for me.

I told FIL, my mother, 2 of H's 3 business associates (who had figured it out already just didn't know what to do). My maid of honor, and another girlfriend, my boss and supervisor, and one co-worker.

The circle of people who know is growing, but turns out WH and OW had been spotted together about town a couple of times and betrayed themselves. So, who knows how many really know but have been just polite. One person thought that perhaps we just had an open marriage. WOW. Um, no. But I would have appreciated knowing they were still dating.

I left our house for about 5 days while WH put together his plan of attack on NC. H understood I was trying to prevent from LBing, and it was too difficult for me to be around him while he was working up to NC.

He sent a NC letter. OW tried for several days to contact him. H is talking a lot to his dad. Telling his dad was the best thing I have done. His dad has also been great in listening to me and helping me difuse my anger and focus on what I need.


WH was very honest with me today. It's been a little over a week of NC and he was worried not about the first week, but the next couple of weeks when contact was re-established in the past. Remember, he's broken up with her at least 5 times. I'm going to ask him how I can help him. Of course, its really his decision.

It is my decision to not live with an adulterous H.

Trying on that statement to see if it feels right....

Congratulations, Loy. Exposure will help you in so many ways. I am glad your FIL is a help to both of you. One thing WH will have to take into account if he is tempted to break NC is that all of those people you exposed the A to will also know that he broke NC. Perhaps having to face his dad, or your mother, will have more of an effect on him that having to face just lil ol Loy alone. After all, Loy always lets him back in if he promises to be a good boy.

Oh Wait! That Loy isn't around anymore. Who is this new Loy? An imposter or a new improved version who won't take WH's crap anymore?

Yep. WH has a lot more riding on breaking NC this time, Loy.

~ Snow

I've been reflecting a little on things since I hit bottom. Personally, I feel so much better knowing that friends and family are there for me and our marriage.

LM- you were right, that first step was the hardest.

Snow - I like your point, I at least feel better knowing that H has a lot more riding on breaking NC this time. It's a teeny tiny comfort blanket for me.

20 days since H delivered NC letter. H dropped off the NC letter at OW's house (her parents home) May 13 (Friday the 13th). Here are some of the goofy things we have done to avoid OW and maintain NC.

1. First two weeks we parked our car on another block and borrow FIL's car for daily use. We do not have a garage. We only have one car and this is just to discourage any OW contact attempts.

2. H has been spending lots of time with friends and family during times when OW has been most likely to call/ drop by, or if he feels a desire to talk to OW.

3. First two weeks H turned off cell phone and used it as a answering machine.

4. H (who has been a SAHD) has interviewed nannies and will be starting a Part time job in a couple of weeks.

5. Two phone consultations with MC.

6. Left town for Memorial Weekend with family. H was anxious. Wanted to discourage himself from talking to her, or make himself unavailbale to her.

7. H talks to his father everyday, checking in on how he's doing. They are talking a lot.

8. H has been working on the house a lot and taking pride in his results.

Things that I have noticed:
1. H is not protecting his cell phone.
2. H and I are working to improve accountability between each other and making changes as needed.
3. H is bringing up more relationship talks.

What I am working on:
1. Not letting my resentment kill my spirit or our marriage.
2. Looking to get in touch with my creative side and build my confidence. Last week I made a German dinner.
3. Trying to figure out the balance between living my life and snooping for evidence of contact.

My mom said I should start living my life for myself and my daughters. The best thing I can do for H is be the best ME, but not for him.

I just re-read my post and feel that it drips optimism. I am very afraid that WH is going to take advantage of me. I see the actions H is doing but I just don't believe him.

I'm encouraged but afraid...

and I don't want to obsess about his betrayal so that I stop living my own life. Gee, each time there has been a new betrayal I have to remember AGAIN to live my own life and get back at it.

Why doesn't he change his cell phone number? If he has been a SAHD then it doesn't seem important to keep that number.

My H gave up on a really good cell phone number after his A. It was difficult because the cell phone was used for business.

WH is an actor. OW is an actress. They are not working together now, although they met on a project.

Regardless if he got a new number, he could still call her in a weak moment. Or she could find out his new number and call it.

I think this is an action that provides false protection. What would an Op do if they wanted to get in touch with their married person? They would find a way. Same goes for WS.

I understand that when dealing with an addiction you try to remove yourself from situations that could tempt you, but in the end everyone will have to face their addiction and say no all by themselves. H has tried NC so many times, it really boils down to what life he wants to lead. He may choose to go down the path of the cake eater. It is my choice to kick out a cake eater...

My MC homework is to put together any A questions I still have for WH.

I am coming up with lots, but the big reason I am coming up with so many is because I do not know where I'm going to find pertanent information.

It seems in general there is important information that the WS does not want to share.
1. There is or was an A
2. WS met with a divorce lawyer
3. WS met with a divorce lawyer again
4. The OW had an abortion (I made this one up as an example)

Why don't they want the BS to understand the full extent of the A's pollution on the marriage?

Are there any other examples of important things the WS contines to hide after the A is over?

There is an event (once a month) that WH has gone to because he wants to support someone he will be doing a project with soon. OW had never attended this event in the past.

WH's date for the event (guy friend that knows about the A and supports reconciliation) canceled last minute. I was at a BAN meeting.

WH shows up at the venue, parks, and walking out of the lot see's OW car. WH turns around and leaves.

It's something to celebrate. I don't know why he had to mention his thought process where he thought that if he attended the event that OW wouldn't have as a nice a time. Geez. But, he could have milked that situation for all it was worth and did not.

I probably took some of the wind out of his sails because later on I asked to see his cell phone call list. I wanted to explain that my anxiety came from the fact that he's described "near misses" to me that was contact that I would eventually hear about, but H didn't want to my explination.

Even when there are good things that happen, its all so delicate.

*****
As a woman, my instinct is telling me that the OW was trying to ambush WH. It's standard female strategy after a man ends a relationship. I think it's rule #9: I'll "run into him" and show him how sexy I am and then he'll want me again. I am sure she was dressed as if she was effortlessly sexy, trying to re-start the fantasy that will hurt both of them. I'm glad her plan backfired...this time. Just knowing that she is lurking really gets to me, especially since I don't know how withdrawl lasts.

Rule number 10: Cut your hair, that will show him how much you've changed and moved on!!!

Angry today. Mad. Wish I had told everyone about the A. Want to expose the A to the entire theater community. I want there A to have no where to hide. I HATE their A. The fact that the OW is looking for a door into the A pisses me off!!! The fact that WH is vulnerable makes me fume.

I am mad at myself for believing H's lies. I should've exposed him to the world back in 2/04 but I fell for the "its over" crap. There needs to be a change in the rules so that if the WS says it's over, you still expose to people.

How can a WS respect someone who is so easily duped? How can a WS respect someone who tolerates poor treatment?

So we are at 4 weeks since NC was established - maybe - but it's been since 10/03 - when I became pregnant with dd #2, that I've had a H that was with me in body and spirit.

My taker is screaming right now. I see my H spending more time with me, but I don't feel connected to him. I feel like we are just friends. Friends who would be great lovers is only they were attracted to each other.

The problem is that what I need, really need, is more than anyone can give me. Something that I have to seek outside of myself and outside others. If I look to anyone else to give it to me, I am lazy and weak.

How do I coordinate my taker with this need?

I am going to start experimenting with activities that give me a moral boost so I can litter them throughout my day and start working on building a happier life for myself.

Sometimes I try to find what is miserable and hopeless to prove to myself why I should give up and move on. My goal is to give up this exercise and just focus on my personal recovery. Divorce may well be in my future, but how much better I will be able to make any decision if I have created a healthy me.

I have been crying a lot lately, and can feel very hopeless. Taking coffee breaks at work to catch up with co-workers has been a great way to STOP the downward spiral of grief.

Another way to STOP the downward spiral is to walk outside. It's 98 degrees today but I'll make do just fine...

I've started a book club for women. We have our first meeting Sunday. I think scheduled interaction with adults I usually don't get to see and like will be a great boost.

I get depressed when the girls go to bed and then H and I have an hour or two to spend together before bed. H is going through withdrawal and is really depressing. I need to try out some creative solutions for this one. It's been a great time to talk on the phone and catch up with friends. I could probably exercise.

WH is complaining about his looks a lot right now. He thinks he's fat and balding. Honestly, he can't weigh more than 185 at 6'1. Yes his hair is thining, but at a very average normal rate. Its when I tell him how handsome he is, how great I think he looks when he comes home dirty from his new job. It doenst help when I ignore his comments or when I lightly agree with him. - Maybe I should just say, you put a lot of effort into being unsatisfied with yourself. I am exhausted by his moods, his insecurities, and his withdrawal.

Maybe this is just another sign that he is back with OW. Isn't it a red flag when people are insecure about their looks. Also, he just bought more breath mints and he's not using them on me.

Addicts are lame. Why do I get depressed that WH doesn't have "those" feelings with me? It's only an honor to recieve "those" feelings from someone who is not pathetic. This should motivate me even more to become a healthier person myself.

((( LOY )))

This is a good goal ... a healthy YOU.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I remember breath mints being in my FWH's truck that he never used around me...when he had broken NC. Trust your gut.

Pep, its good to hear from you. And I'm appreciate knowing that you endorse my goal. Encouragement can make you feel stronger.

Trix, I think I'm going to confistake all of my WH's new breath mints just in case. But you know, I use breath mints too and wish more of my co-workers did.

If I discover NC has been broken I will go directly to plan b. There is a point when tracking contact is important, but the measure I am looking for now is if my H is unavailable to me in heart and soul. No contact is not enough.