God, please help me - I need some advice. My H has been lying to me about seeing OC. He has promised (again) that he will tell me the truth. For a number of reasons our home phone has been off since Monday. He knew that it was to be turned on yesterday. When I got home last night - the caller ID shows he called at 3:43 (to check and see if the phone was one)but before that at 3:43 there was a call from OW cell phone. She never calls my house! All I could assume was that he was with her, used her phone to call the house just to CHECK and see if the phone was on; it was, he freaked out - hung up - knew we had caller ID and then called on his phone to try and make it legitimate? I don't know - he said he didn't know why she called, etc. and that he had not seen her, had not talked to her, she did not call him, yada yada yada . . . what else could be the explanation? She didn't leave a message. I want to call her so bad and say "I saw that you called yesterday, did you need something?" I figure that way - I'll find out if he's lying. (She's told me more of the truth that he has). If their relationship is more than mother of his child - I want to know - Am I stupid to call her? I'm just sick - I was up all night thinking and thinking and thinking . . .any other obvious coincidence that they would both call at the exact same time? PLEASE HELP before I call her.<P>------------------<BR>

Maybe it is time for plan B?<P>REGARDLESS IF YOU ARE IN A OR B, THE RULE IS NO LOVEBUSTERS.<P>He's probably lying, just chuck it in the bag with all the rest of the lies. And figure out how to control yourself - because it seems the stage is set for one hell of a lovebuster....<P>Be careful.<BR>

I can feel the anger and hurt. Your mind is probably going in a million directions. I have been there. <P>I always make myself give it some time when I feel like I'm losing control of myself. The situation won't be any different than it is now if you give yourself some time to calm down and consider where this decision might take you and your relationship. You deserve the truth, but make sure you aren't going to set things off into a wild spin and then regret it. Be better to yourself than it appears he is being to you by getting control first and then making your decisions.<BR>Your hesitation tells me that this isn't how you want to handle this.

Thanks Trust: I have not been very good AT ALL with the no lovebusters, etc. It is driving my H crazy. And I can understand why - yet at the same time - I'm dealing with his lies which drive me crazy. Perhaps if I make a deal with myself to not lovebust and see how things go for say - 1 month and if no improvment - go to Plan B? I am so sick over this. Do you think calling her will make me feel better?<P>------------------<BR>

My post went into la la land AGAIN.<P>Okay, The main thing is for you to get calm, and get past this moment of rage and think rationally. You need to make decisions from your head, not a decision based on a reaction from another slap in the face of betrayal and lies.<P>Plan B might be the way to go, but WAIT to decide. <P>Calm down, and may God give you WISDOM to do the right thing, and may Ms. Daycare Disaster give you the strength to control yourself and not react.<P><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 24, 1999).]

Daycare<BR>Do YOU think calling her will make you feel better?<BR>I don't think that you should put a whole lot of trust into what she tells you. She will say what she wants you to hear.<BR>On the other hand, if you feel that you can calmly call her and appear to just be wondering why her number was on your call display.... it might just make someone realize that you are not unaware.<BR>I would suggest if you feel the need to do that, You leave it there and don't give her any openings.<BR>TNT is right. Stay calm. Whatever you do it is very important that you give the impression of being in control of yourself.<BR>I know you can handle this!!!!!!!

Wasstubborn: Actually, I would probably feel worse afterward, because if she said something like "well, I didn't call you, your H was with me at that time - so maybe he did why don't you ask him?" See - then I wouldn't know if she was lying to dig at me or what. I guess calling is not going to do anything. I guess I'm just a person of action and just sitting idly by and letting things happen to me is just driving me crazy. I don't want to be made a fool of again. It's not bad enough that I'm in this situation - but if they are continuing their "relationship" I can't deal with that . . . I've been through too much. I'm having panic attacks so bad - I can hardly breathe. I'm trying to calm down - I have been lovebusting so much that I wouldn't have to wonder why he would be talking to her.<P>------------------<BR>

daycare<BR>take some deep breaths. Try to relax.<BR>I understand that you want to do something.<BR>Take a look at this. Right now the only thing you have complete control over is YOU.<BR>so you need to concentrate on yourself. You know that you have been lovebustin. That is the first step. What can you do about that?<BR>I'm praying for calmness for you. Don't make things up in your head okay? That is the worst thing you can do. There are a million different scenarios. You have to make it safe for your H to tell you the truth.<BR>I have the panic attacks so I know where you're coming from. Deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth!!!!<BR>Concentrate on feeling the peace entering your body.<BR>if you can force yourself to be calm without reactions it will be safer to tell you the truth.<BR>I did this the other night. Tough yes but you can do it!!!!!<BR>One of the books I've read talks about the three windows of perception. <BR>1. The facts about what happened.<BR>2. Your perception that is not necessatily fact.<BR>3. All possibilities for what happened.<BR>That is a very basic outline. Right now you are looking through #2.<BR>Try to look through #3 and realize that there are different explanations for what you have seen and different reasons for what could have happened.<BR>Now ask yourself if this is going to seem as important in a month. It seems like the end of the world now but it is only a moment in time.<BR>You can get through this!!!!!

Wasstubborn: Thank you so much. You helped me to put this into perspective. I know that (like you said) in a month it'll be no big deal and true enough I don't know what actually happened - I ALWAYS IMAGINE THE WORST - I guess to prepare myself for that (so I won't be devestated) and then hope that it's the farthest thing from that - I know I shouldn't do that - it's probably just the way I've been taught and always handled things. He told me last night that he thinks that since this is not working and we argue all the time (mostly because of me rehashing everything over and over) and his lies - we need some time apart. He said if it's not working this way - then we try something else. It may be the best thing - but I truly don't think so - I think it will just give him more opportunities to have his cake and eat it too (if he is). I'm going to try to quit lovebusting and see what progress is made. I know that I could never tell my mom certain things because she would freak out - go off the deep end and I would always feel worse for telling her - so I wouldn't. Apparently that pattern is in me as well -and I do the same thing. I've got retrain myself.<P>------------------<BR>

Daycare<BR>Practice practice practice!!!!<BR>You can do this. I know you can!!!!<BR>Right now you have control over your own actions. Think of the fabulous results you can get from turning that love busting into deposits.<BR>I know how hard this is. Concentrate on you and him. Think about what will make him comfortable. Move your thoughts to focus on that. What would make him smile today. What can you do to make him smile? That's what is important. That's what you have control over!!!!!

Wasstubborn: You are exactly right - I'm so worried about my pain that I forget what my ultimate goal is. I will do better, I promise. Hopefully before too long - my H will trust me enough to be honest with how he really feels about this whole situation. Thanks a lot. How are things with you?<P>------------------<BR>

daycare<BR>I know you will do this. You have to have faith in yourself!!!<BR>I'm doing good. Got a lot straightened out in my head this week. <BR>These boys keep me busy with their sports and I don't have too much time for self pity!!!

Wasstubborn: Well I'm glad you stay busy - that does seem to keep your mind off things.<P>NEWS FLASH: Okay, my H just called me - I think I am hyperventilating (sp?) I need your thoughts MAJOR. He said this mother has OC today (keeping him for OW) and that he and I were going to get him after we were off from work and keep at OUR house for a couple of hours and then OW is going to call us at home and we will meet her somewhere to get him! I'm like freakin' out. Although to H I was very calm and I said 'Okay, that will be fine'. I've been pushing this visitation issue - so I guess I've got it - Oh God - do you think I'm being totally stupid? It is his child - and I can't wish it away (as much as I'd like to).<P>------------------<BR>

daycare<BR>You are looking through the wrong window again.<BR>This is what you have been waiting for. The opportunity to present a united front with your H. He is being honest. He is including you. This IS what you want.<BR>Look through the other window. See this as a good thing. you're doing great.<BR>Think of the united team you are showing the OW. You are showing her that YOU are his wife and partner. This is an OPPORTUNITY. Not a disaster!!!!!!

Wasstubborn: I hear your words - I know you're right - but I'm so scared. My H said we can go out to eat if you want to, and I'm thinking - what if we run into someone we know - how will we explain who he is? This is all so complicated - How will I explain to our 2 year old daughter who he is? I feel that I'm doing the right thing - I just don't know how brave I'll be once it gets here. Do you have any thoughts on introducing him to people, when that arises?<P>------------------<BR>

Daycare<BR>Your H should be responsibel for deciding how to deal with those things. You will need to discuss those things with him.<BR>Right now you should not be worrying about what could happen. Deal with it one moment at a time. Things are usually much easier than we think they are going to be.<BR>If someone asks just say That he is an aquaintances son.<BR>As far as your daughter goes I wouldn't go too far into explaining right now. Just tell her the child's name and that he is spending some time with you.<BR>It is nobody's business and you don't have to be specific.<BR>get through today and then you and your H will have to discuss how you will deal with this in the future.<BR>once today is over you are on your way!!!!<BR>the first time will be the hardest but thank goodness it's finally going to be over with.<BR>Of course you are scared. That's okay. it's a normal emotion. Just try to see things as positively as possible. Tell your H you are a little nervous about it. Let him know you want to do this with him but you are a little insecure. Give him the opportunity to help you through it. Be honest with him. Don't make a big deal out of it just let him know you need to support each other.<BR>YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

DD!<P>WS is giving good coaching!!!! Okay Team! We can do this!<P>DD, You can do this!!! We are rooting for you. You wouldn't have this opportunity if you would've lovebusted! This is really fantastic.<P>I hope you get back here and tell us all about it.<P>You really really, can do this. Don't think of tomorrow, don't think of all the what if's.... Just learn to control yourself, and measure your progress! You are going to be fine.... BELIEVE IT!!!!!<P>Prayers are up for you...<BR>TNT

WS and TNT: You guys are so wonderful. I appreciate it so very much - I know I must sound like a whiner but this is freakin' me out. I'm so afraid I'll just bust out crying and I probably will - - - oh well, I'll just do what comes natural. I'll keep you posted on what's happening.<P>------------------<BR>

Daycare<BR>You are not a whiner! Good grief who would have ever thought that we would be dealing with things like this!!<BR>Think about what a strong person you are because you stuck with it, didn't walk away from the turmoil.<BR>Of course you are scared. You are human. But think into the future just a tiny bit and realize how proud you will be of yourself for your accomplishments!!!!!<BR>The strength is there and you can pull it out.<BR>We are all cheering for you!!!!!

DCD, Good advice above!!! You are the strong one..showing your H that you are going to "stand by your man", showing the OW that you love your H unconditionally, and showing the OC that you are able to open your heart and love him. What a big heart you have!!! It may be difficult, but no love busting :> ) Good luck & please keep us posted