Lemonman- thanks for posting to me. I think you are wrong about people not wanting your opinion on things. I too think you are correct in a lot of view points. I like that you do not sugar coat things, you are honest and forthcoming, however you do it in a nice manner. I have missed seeing you post on here.

I had the worst dream last night.. I dreamt that H
and I were divorced, he had custody of the children,
and the house, and a new wife(OW)- with 2 new children
(both girls-that is important because he says I never gave him one, and he really REALLY wanted a girl) and another on the way. I was standing
outside looking in, watching H point a finger and
laugh while the kids ran around playing, oblivious
that I was even there and calling the OW mom. H
wrapped his arms around the OW in front of me and
kissed her and hugged her like he use to do with me
years ago. I dreamt I had nothing. I woke up in a
cold sweat, trembling. I am very sad today- I can not
shake that feeling. What do you make of that?

YOU DIDNT GIVE HIM ONE.....ARE YOU KIDDING ME----BASIC BIOLOGY----ITS THE MANS SPERM THAT DETERMINES THE SEX OF A CHILD!!!!!! GOOD GOD WOMAN----IS EVERYTHING YOUR FAULT?????

KMEJ, I have not posted to you for quite a while. Not because I don't care, but because maybe I care too much. Reading this thread I realize it could have been written by you 6 months ago, and what I am going to write to you now is probably what I wrote to you back then. Every word out of Lemmonman's mouth I agree with.

Your dream is very clear. It is screaming at you what your greatest fear is. That your H will remarry, take your children, and have this happy, happy life with you left with nothing. Because of this paralyzing(sp?) fear you do nothing. You continue to live with this man who treats you like sh**. When I read your story I am left with such a sadness for what you are allowing to occur in your life and your childrens' lives. It seems that you have gotten to the point that this extreme abuse has become normal to you. KMEJ, this is not normal. This is not love. Surviving an A, which is the opposite of love, is difficult enough. Living through an A, and then experiencing the abuse you have been subjected to, is beyond cruel.

I do look for your name KMEJ on MB. When I don't see it I also feel a certain fear. Think about that. Those of us on MB are seeing a danger for YOU because of the cruelness of your H. I hope that some day you can look at your fear, which came out in your dream, and compare it with the following. At the very least a life spent in misery with this cruel man, kind of like what you are explaining often here. Or worse, he will one day seriously hurt you or one of your children. You did live away from him for months. You graciously took him back. He has not worked on recovery with you. What is it going to take for you to realize you deserve so much more?

Let's look at your fears. You have the better job. You are the way better parent. What are the chances your H would get the kids if you seperated or Ded? It sounds like your family would fully support you if you left your H, so you wouldn't be alone. OK, maybe your H would end up with another woman one day. Do you honestly think a man with as much dysfunction as he has, would treat someone else any better? He would treat someone else exactly the same eventually. And someone who loves herself would NEVER get involved with him.

K, you are a kind and loving woman. You deserve better than this. I am all for rebuilding Ms, but your H is not being your partner in recovery. When will you realize that you deserve better? PLEASE face your fears. Get help NOW! If you aren't in IC make the call today. We all know that you deserve better than this and we all are truly worried about you. HUGS! CV

Your right that is my biggest fear. I am very scared for that to happen. However how long to I want to continue to tense up when my H walks behind me? I move when he comes near me out of fear I am where he wants to be and then I get pushed. Last night I was rather sassy, and did not like what he was doing (throwing away things that were mine and the kids) so I argued with him and ended up having things thrown at me. He was doing it because I have done not so much in keeping the house clean lately- and been outside playing with my children. Well I ended up getting pushed, hit, and things thrown at my head. I ignored him, like it did not even happen. Made dinner and he chose not to join us. Then an hour later he called me down stairs to play pool with him. I only played one game as I still had treats to make, lunches to pack, and laundry to do, I told him I would play with him again later, he said he was disappointed that I could not make time for him. The thing is I did not want to make time for him yesterday, even if I had nothing to do.
I have to run, be back later.

GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN! Nobody deserves, needs or should put up with that kind of behavior. Throwing things at you? Would you put up with that kind of stuff on the playground? NO! You'd put the kid who was throwing stuff in the corner or in time-out. It is completely disrespectful. Him to you and you to yourself.

I haven't posted to you but have followed your story. Send the man away. He has already checked out. He's throwing away your and the kids' stuff because he's cleaning up for his new life. He's already there and you need to catch up. The clues are everywhere.

KMEJ, my DS#1 is the adventure type. His motto is "FACE YOUR FEARS! You need to face your fears. Getting away from your H will be liking getting that 400 lb gorilla off your back. You don't need to live like you do. Do I smell coffee?

YOU CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE!

KMEJ

The time is coming closer and closer at hand for you to formulate THE PLAN needed to remove yourself from the target of your husbands violence.

That is the ONLY PLAN you need to be working on....

You need to come up with this plan because each day brings you more justifying and excusing his violence....AND even more scary is your rewarding of the unnacceptable behavior...

you need a money plan
you need a behavior plan for YOU so that you react each and every time the same consistant way to his violence...

the bar of unacceptable treatment and behavior that you make tolerable keeps getting raised by you to you are begining to believe tha abnormal is normal...

I implore you to seek out information from a woman's shelter....where you can get objective insight in to your situation.....and womaens shelters are objective...they have seen and heard it all...there is no fear in telling your story to them

there is no judgement from them...

there goal is safety
yours
the childrens
and even his...

they will not villify him for there is no point...he chooses his behaviors....and he will continue to do till he decides not to...

this has nothing to do with him..
this is all about YOU



You need to learn how to make yourself safe in small empowering incrinments...and you need to learn the tools to do so....

and then build build build on these skills....

print this post out and take to a shelter and seek sanctuary and empowerment....

Last night I was rather sassy,

so I argued with him and ended up having things thrown at me.

He was doing it because I have done not so much in keeping the house clean lately

Well I ended up getting pushed, hit, and things thrown at my head.

I ignored him, like it did not even happen.

I only played one game as I still had treats to make, lunches to pack, and laundry to do, I told him I would play with him again later,

he said he was disappointed that I could not make time for him.

kmej I implore you to seek assistance..

there is an end to this chaos...
go for it...

you remain in my prayers....

ARK^^

KMEJ,

My mom put up with this kind of abusive crap for 51 years. At age 76, she ended in a Safe House after a doctor saw bruises on her arms and called the police. Her life is amazingly better now. For the past 11 years, she's had her own apartment and done very well. I wished she's made a better life earlier.

As a side effect, she also raised 2 daughters who didn't expect a whole lot from their husbands. We never asked for "enough", be it time, affection, help whatever. We had a great role model for accepting any kind of abusive behavior. My sister's husband is a jerk. He treats her poorly: never remembers her birthday, allows her to do all the housework even though she works full time, and has made career decisions that mean their son didn't live with the family while he was in high school. And me? Well, my story is here.

What you are doing affects not only you but your growing children.

Think what you are doing and what you accept.

You didn't "end up getting hit"-he hit you. You didn't "end up getting pushed"-he pushed you. You didn't "end up getting things thrown at you"-he threw things at you. When you describe what he does in terms that remove him as the agent, you miniminize what he does to you.

He's disappointed that you don't make time for him? He's lucky that you don't make time to call the police on him.

As one who has been in your situation, I echo what everyone else is saying-get help and get out. These situations escalate. You aren't doing your children any favors by staying around and being a target.

Sad, just sad.


Sassy KMEJ? Are you a child with an abusive parent? So you were "sassy" and not cleaning up, OK so you deserved to have crap thrown at you? It isn't him it is you MAKING him do these things? I don't like swearing (much) but Damm** woman..STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!


Well thats great, you ignored it..At least he knows your boundaries....

I'm not trying to be cruel here but it just makes me nuts that you allow yourself and your children to be disrespected in this way.

Hubby has no right to treat you ar your children this way. I don't care if you are the WORST FRIGGIN' WIFE ON EARTH KMEJ, he has no right to lay hands on you, throw things at you...

One more time KMEJ....You could sit on the couch eating bon-bons all day, 74 loads of laundry to do, empty cupboards and not cooking, let your kids run amok, spend all your money on bingo, drink like a fish, put on 200 lbs. and guess what?

Hubby still has NO RIGHT to push you, hit you, throw things at you, verbally abuse you, and belittle you in front of people.

You are better than this, your kids deserve better than this Dear.

He**, I'd have given my left arm if my XW would have done a 1/10th of what you do...OK my right arm (I'm a lefty)

You know what the reality is, you know what needs to be done. Now it's time to stop making excuses , stop the fear mongering and get out of this situation.

Now here is your daily mantra..
I'm Smart
Funny
Worthy
Generous
Loving
Kind and
Moral

Since you are all those things, don't you think you deserve those things in return from a partner?

All of us here want the best for you and we want you to live another day. Imagine the peace you will feel when you aren't walking on eggshells in your own home, Imagine how much more patience you'll have with your children when you aren't STRESSED out of your skull from your spouse. Imagine how good your going to feel when you get him out and get yourself into IC to find out why you put up with this...Your going to feel so good

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

RebornMan

KMEJ

My Dad had a saying " men who hit women aren't men, they're [censored]".

My wife is a karate champion and I STILL have never hit her.

Your husband is out of control and needs help.

If a teacher at school beat and bullied his wife and failed his kids, would you be happy with him teaching your kids ?

No ?

So whay are you happy for your H to be the most influential teacher they will ever have ?

KMEJ you have to stop this. You have to.

Hi KMEJ,

Did you file a report on this incident yet?

What do you need from us to help you do that?

a place to hide until the dust settles. He honestly does not think that anything he did last night was inappropriate. He tried to make it right with me so I would not be upset, that is why he turned on American Idol (my favorite show) and play pool with me, however I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting that anything happened. I wish I could, but I hate tensing up when he is in that mood because I am afraid of what he will do next. I fear everytime he calls he found this website and is irate that I am saying all these things on here, that I am lying or making more of it then what it is. In his mind he does not see anything wrong with it.

Little childrens laughter is the best medicine.

Have your children laughed much lately KMEJ ?

Do they laugh when their daddy beats up on you, bullies you and pushes you around ?

Will they laugh when he kills you in a drunken rage ?

Will they consider it so funny they will abuse their OWN partners in life because YOU showed them its OK to beat up your spouse ?

they do laugh and have a lot of fun. They always have friends around and know that I am there for them.
They are not typically around or present. I am at fault for things that I say in there company. I need to work on that. I know know know that I do not want them to turn out this way. I do see some signs in my oldest that he is a little rough. I talk to him about it. I know you are right....

I am at fault for things that I say in there company.

YOU ARE AT FAULT FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT PASSIVITY !

Stop hunting for new reasons to deserve the treatment your H gives you.

Stand up.

Be proud.

Value yourself.

What did you mean by "a place to hide until the dust settles"? Did you mean a place to hide until he is gone or sleeping and you can go file the report of the incident?

no because once he finds out I made the report, he will be beyond mad, and it would be unforgiveable. It scares me to make the report. Partly because I have nothing to show, only hurt feelings, and the inablilty to take a stand. I am a chicken.

You should be able to get that from a domestic violence shelter. Is there one in your town or nearby? If not, do you have family you can go to?



And rightfully so. It makes no sense to forgive and forget recurring behaviors. He doesn't recognize that he has done anything wrong, so he isn't even seeking forgiveness, just your complicity in saying that his behavior is all right (and he seems to be getting that). As to forgetting, the whole reason we have memory is to help us survive by avoiding what proves to be dangerous, like those big striped cat-like creatures with the sharp teeth or spouses who hit.


People who abuse power never do see anything wrong with their behavior. That's why they don't just up and change! Look at what you are writing-you are afraid in your own home. The person you are afraid of sees nothing wrong with his behavior, so he is not going to stop. If he finds out you have been talking to other people about his behavior, he is likely to become even more dangerous to you, in your opinion.

He doesn't have to see anything wrong with his own behavior for you to recognize that it's wrong. Look, I have been where you are. My XH came home from work one day, picked a fight over nothing, used that as a reason to beat me up while I lay on a sofa unable to escape, and then when I finally got away, he followed me into another room, picked me up, and threw me across the room. I had him removed from the home, divorced him, and never looked back. His account of our divorce is that I divorced him because he didn't send me flowers or make other romantic gestures often enough. If I had waited for him to get a clue that his behavior was wrong, I'd be waiting a long time, and probably from six feet under. Your H's opinion is totally immaterial to your decision about what to do. This is not a situation in which you apply the POJA.

KMEJ do yours and his extended familes know about his abuse ? If they do know are they accepting of it ?

You need to get allies I think.

KMEJ,

Call your local women's shelter and tell them what you said in this post. They can start helping you before you even tell them your name.

We are anonymous here and via the internet. It's time or you to start reaching out anonymously in RL too. Start with the women's shelter hotline. You will get an anonymous voice, it's more helpful and comforting than anonymous writing.

Do you have their number? Do you need help getting it?