I can find it. I have attended meetings at the Alexandra house under the pretense I was going to help a friend get the courage to go, which was half true- we were supporting one another.

My family knows of some of what happened while we were seperated, but nothing in the last year we have been back together. If they ask, things are fine. his family knows a little, but they always said that it was something I did to make him do it, or "next time remember what upset him and don't do it". H does nothing wrong in his families eyes, and there is always a reason for his behavior, he was to tired, or I pushed him to far, or I should have known better, or I interpreted it wrong. I gave up on talking about it.

he may kill you some day ....

KMEJ,

Go find the number and then write back when you've got it, ok?

yes this I realize. He has held pillows over me, and choked me, and dangled me over stairs, however when he does things like that he apologizes and seems sincere. I am just afraid of the time that he does not stop. I am not sure why he does these things. Some days things are great and others, no. It was better when we worked opposites. I sometimes think if I just kept the house clean and the children quiet and was pleasent it would help his mood. But I also realize I can not do it all all the time. I do not think he means to hurt me, that maybe it is his way of showing affection, or maybe I am just trying to make excuses for him again.

KMEJ,

He is sincere about not wanting to stop blaming you for his behavior.

Go find the number and write back when you've got it, ok?

K,

I just wanted to talk to you a bit more about your fear of loneliness and WH finding someone else as I think I kind of brushed it off last time, when I do know that feeling...

If you look back at some of my old posts you'll see I definitely had the same fears... I was really, really lonely and I hated the fact the WW had someone else. I have to say I'm still not completely over it but I do see it differently now. I too was really lonely in my marriage but I thought the split up would make it worse, and it did for a while. But I think it was more a self esteem issue than real loneliness. I think it goes with the territory of infidelity, but you have the additional influence of abuse so I imagine its really difficult for you.

My self esteem was so far beaten down I felt I needed someone or even WW. After some really hard work on finding myself and healing I really feel a lot better about who I am and where my life is going. In fact, I really like my life now. Once you start to see yourself positively you realize that others will see that too and voila! You aren't so lonely anymore.

I still desire companionship but I don't want anything that messes up where I am going with my life now. I want someone to share my life with instead of someone to keep me from being lonely... its a big difference.

So I guess what I'm trying to say... Work on finding yourself and being who you really are and I think the loneliness thing will take care of itself. At least that's what I'm hoping and it seems to be working (fingers crossed).

And please, please, protect yourself from danger. We want you to be still around to talk to. Who else is going to take care of the Tornados?

Take Care,

Miker

She might be away from the computer looking for a number (I hope!)

I have the number

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you need support from us here while you make the call?

We could use this thread or start another one with a title that would attract people who care about you and are here right now. We could stay with you while you make the call.

What do you need? How can we help?

I am shaking, I am at work. no priviacy here. maybe I am stalling.... However these cubes make it hard for that personal of a conversation. i do not know what to do.

K, for God's sake find that number!

Your damn right he's sincere, he's sincerely scared your going to lock him up in prison! If you were removed from this sitch and a friend was telling you all this what would your advice to her be? "well stick around and hope things will change" or "grab your kids and run for it!"?
If it isnt that Ill bet you a million bucks it would just be something else, Like maybe why is your hair blonde? or you forgot he likes meatloaf on tuesdays.....

Please tell me that you do not think trying to choke someone or dangle them over stairs is saying I love you. If thats the case maybe you should knock him over the head to show him YOU care! Make sense? NO!
as for your idiot inlaws [email]F@#$[/email] "em! K ,inlaws are enablers and one thing i've learned is that no matter how much they proclaim to love you and how your one of them, they seem to always take the side of their blood relative. Sad but true.

K I didnt say any of this because Im mean or a B!@#$ ,I just care about you and don't want to hear about anything bad happening to you.

Michelle

Do you have an understanding boss who would let you use his office for the call?

Do you have an understand co-worker who would "stand guard" to keep people away from your cube while you made the call?

Is it possible to talk quietly during the call?

There might be in-person RL support closer than you realize--but no one knows that you need it.

We'll find a way. What do you think of these ideas?

And don't worry about the shaking--that's a normal, healthy body reaction. Rejoice that your body still functions! In the future, or near future, that might not be the case.

the room I am in is filled with 30+ people, and we are all right next to each other, I can hear wispers from a few cubes down. No my boss is not understanding. I could go to another room in the building I suppose..

Going to another room sounds like a good possibility.

Would you need to take an official break or can you just go?

We are here for you. If you want to talk later K Ill give you my # or you can give me yours.

KMEJ,

If you aren't going to make a call to protect yourself...that is your choice. Just place a call to Children's Protection Services so that they can at least remove your children and protect them.

Your children are at risk from this man and someone needs to protect them. Call and get help for them...you evidently cannot guarantee their safety and well being as long as he is in the house.

Take it how you want...mean, cruel, harsh, or un-necessary. I am passed offering any other advice to you because you shut down any of it from anyone.

committed

anyone can E-mail me at dylumi@yahoo.com, we can talk there or I will send you my number.

She may not shut down this time. Why not give her a chance before making your comment?

committed,

She knows it's time. It's hard to make the first call and support is needed.

KMEJ, have you figured out if you can use the other room?

What else do you need? How can we help?

You're doing well KMEJ.....just keep breathing.....we're here for you.

KMEJ,

I think it's better to stay on the board until you've completed your call. Don't isolate now.....you're doing very well with walking through this first step. We're here with you.