<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Btw, before we hung up I forgot to tell you that was very brave of you to make that call. I know it was very hard but you found the strength within yourself and thats a wonderful thing! Baby steps at first right? As you move forward you will find yourself getting stronger and stronger until finally you will be unstoppable! The first step is always the hardest. Good going K! Now, just think of what you want to do next.

Hi all, thanks for the support. I made the call. It was nice. I learned a lot. I also learned that many of the things that H does is the classic's of abusers (yes I said abusers) I found out that he is doing classic things to control me (resist the urge to say you told me so) and that what he is doing is wrong, no matter what he tries to tell me otherwise. I also found out that when I am ready they have counseling, individual and group, and they have legal services to help with Order of Protections and visitation of children. Also if I want to stay in the house if it gets that far, they will appoint a lawyer to represent me in court. All great information for me to think on. Thanks for making me make the call.

Good start, we are very proud of you. You still need to take the next step to protect you and the children. Praying for you KMEJ

I'm so proud of you KMEJ! Now you have RL support also <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

What do you think about starting their group counseling?


Edited to add: We didn't make you make the call KMEJ, we just supported you while you made that brave, empowering move. I'm so very proud of you for asking for help to do what was necessary.

KMEJ -

I have been keeping up with your story, but haven't posted. I was in your same situation when my boys were 5 and 2.

Please realize that your husband's actions aren't about love. They are about control. I think you are starting to realize that now.

I'm glad you made the call. Most places will tell you to get a plan going ahead of time. You need to have some money somewhere, and a credit card. You can get your ducks in line. That way, if you need to leave, you can.

Good luck, and hope you will be safe and content tonight.

I think I would be better off maybe with IC first, however I did attend their group counseling about 7 months ago, but felt compared to the woman there, I was stonger and did not have it so bad- because my out look was better- maybe I was just in denial... I am not sure. I almost always look at things as half full and try to be chipper. I do not want to let it show how much it is eating at me. You know?

If you think IC is better suited for you, then IC it is!

What do you have to do to make an appt? How long is the waiting list for counselors?

I am not sure I plan on calling back tomorrow. I have their number on my cell now. No excuses there.

You know that you can call them before you're ready to make an appt, right?

I'm so very proud of you. Good night and pleasant dreams <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

maybe I am stalling....

KMEJ,

That is the phrase that you used that prompted my type of response to you.

You thought you might be stalling...looking for a reason not to call...as in, possibly being overheard.

committed

I am planning on calling today. My H is going out with his friends tonight, and I will only have ds2 for a while until the ds4 & 8 get home from school.. I am thinking that will be a good time for me to call.

I slept on it last night, and decided that IC would be good for me as a person and as a mother. I want a happy life, I want to feel safe. I need to gain strength, and have not been doing that well up til now.

k---i am very proud of you. you also have to know that NOW is gonna be the most dangerous time for you and the kids. when the abused spouse seeks help and the abuser feels the control slipping....it usually tends to escalate. for the safety of yourself and your kids.....please,please,please...have an escape plan ready. money or a credit card and someplace to go.

actually I have not told my H about it, and was planning on not for a while. Just talking and going to appointments for now.. is that a bad plan?

Sorry but more than IC for you is needed. Your problem is with accepting the abuse. What the problem of H being the abuser? What about IC for him? HE NEEDS HELP!

It's probably not going to happen unless you force the issue. Until he realizes what he is doing is wrong, nothing will change. There are many scenarios that could happen. Don't let your's be the body bag one.

Write down what has happened to you. The incidents. If you are tempted to rewrite history "Oh, it was a little pillow he tried to smother me with. I hardly lost a breathe." or "He was so nice to me after he threw heavy objects at my head." Go back and read and see what the story really was.

My mom had a sort of passive-agressive thing with my dad. She'd subconsciously do thing to set him off. Kind of like your sassy moments. She also had a lot of coping mechanisms like if he pushed her down, she'd stay down so he wouldn't do it again. Or she says the bruises weren't too bad. Now that Dad's gone, she doesn't say P-A things anymore.

I'm not sure you can work on the abuse issues while the 2 of you are together. I'm not an expect but I think you need some separation. Don't wait until you are 76 to be happy!

Grapegirl, thank you for sharing your expierence with me. You have made good points. You are right, H does not think he has a problem, and refuses any help. The IC I was referring to was for me to build strength to have the courage to not tolerate it any longer. I am on the edge, but to scared to jump. That is what I am working towards.

Good morning KMEJ,

It is a good morning, isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it's a good starter plan to go to their counseling service but not disclose that now.

Your abuse counselor will be able to help you find the way that is best for you to help yourself while keeping yourself and your children safe. They have a lot of experience with all types of situations, including yours.

KMEJ, I know it's a few days early but I want to wish you a....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY KMEJ!!!!

You're giving your sons a gift for Mother's Day this year--a stronger, more loving YOU!

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

kmej...

you need a plan...
a strict goal oriented plan with daily, monthly goals...that keeps you focused and safe...

safety if your first requirement....and that's why I suggest you seek out some assistance from a shelter...they are not just crisis oriented and insist on a total upheaval...but they can help you get a plan....

a plan that helps you with immediate safety...some issue old donated cell phones for people to keep on them that only access 911...these phones have saved people...and if any one has an old cell phone please donate it to your local womans shelter...

they can also help you with the long term goals of safety...

IC is a great idea...but your goals with the IC should not be muddled with marriage building, learning tolerance etc...
what I suggest is you get recommendations of counselors directly from your local shelter....

My advice is not to seperate the women's shelter resource from the individual work...but to work with the shelter and their people...

kmej number one goal is your safety at all times...period...

the first steps are harder...
there is no shame nor blame in your husbands choices...there is always the hope and chance that he too will choose to change his actions....

ARK^^

KMEJ~ Can/does your dh have access to your cell phone or cell phone records? Would he check the calls? Please have a plan for yourself ready no matter what.

yes my H has access to my cellphone and a print out every month of every number that I call. However he rarely ever checks the phone record. It is a good thought to keep in mind, Thanks.