Hello everyone this is my first post. I have read some of the information given here and it has been a big help. I am hoping someone cand give me a few suggestions for my situation.

I learned that my husband was having an afair this past Easter weekend. It's difficult to explain but my husband is the type of guy that wouldn't admit to it even if he was caught in the act. If anyone remembers a song that was very popular a few years ago It Wasn't Me by Shaggy that pretty much sums it up. He admitted that he was "just friends" with this women he works with. There were daily phone calls and text messages to her on his cell phone and many of the times he was supposedly helping male friend with projects turned out to be time he was at her home. There were erotic text messages.

My husband has always had a major problem with communication and usually flat out refuses to discuss upsetting issues. He will either say nothing or just leave. So I wasn't surprised when he told me that he was sorry I was hurt but they are just friends. Oh those dreaded insulting words! I explained that I have many friends and have male co-workers and I don't leave those type of messages to anyone. I asked him how would he have felt if it were the other way around? If I had several phone calls a day every single day to someone of the opposite sex. Lied to him about where I was when I was actually spending time with this "friend" many of those times were at night... I told him that it was insulting for him to think that I was that big of a fool. That even if they were "just friends" there is a line that a married man and any self respecting women knows isn't appropriate to cross. This women actually knows me so she is aware that he is married. She has also been married and divorced 3 times. I explained to my husband that only a very inexperinced young women might not know what she was doing was wrong but not this women. I am sure she would not have approved of her husbands having this type of a "friendship." If it was just a friendship then why all the sneaking around and lies. Deep down even if he/she won't verbally admit it they know it was wrong. I told him that I was hurt so bad that I didn't know if I wanted to continue a marriage with someone that would betray me this way. Once a cheater always a cheater??? He told me that he didn't want a divorce and wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. He said he was sorry that I was hurt.

Jobs in this area aren't easy to come by so I couldn't tell him to quit but I tried to explain how hurt I am every time he goes to work knowing that this women is there. I explained that I would try to forgive but it would be one of the most difficult things I had to do in my life. I asked if he planned on continuing any sort of a relationship with this women. He never answered yes or no only "I keep to myself at work." Well, I have reson to believe he is still carrying on a relationship with her even if it is "just friends." How do I explain that I won't tolerate it? He has always been the type to take the attitude of "No one's telling me what to do." How can I explain this without sounding like a mother telling a child what to do?

Hi Trying,

My husband had an affair with one of his employees and they continue to work together. She still reports to him via a manager. Anyway, I found out 5 months ago and although I continue to pray that she will leave, she remains there. I understand your situation and wanted to respond with my thoughts.

The reason why I did not demand my husband leave is that 1) I like his job and the perks, 2) he's in a special field that would probably require relocation and I don't want to move. But with all that said, the main reason he remains is because he moved his office to another building and has minimal contact with her. Had he not moved and made sure the chain of command required her to report to the manager first, I would have asked him to leave.

Every indication I have, phone records, e-mails, etc. indicate the the contact they have (which is less than weekly now) is business only. Because he has changed EVERYTHING, won't lunch with people if she is going, won't do happy hour and going away parties outside the office if she is going to be there. He has totally seperated himself. Your husband needs to do the same if he stays at the same company with her.

Lastly, I suggest you make yourself visable. I have joined my husband for lunch with the kids several times since this has happened. I did see her once. But even the times I didn't see her, no doubt she heard that we were there. Make your presense known. Show a united front to her and others at the job. I don't know if it was public, but once my husband's A ended, it was pretty public knowledge around his office.

If he is willing to do those things, maybe him staying there will work. If he is not, then leaving the job isn't your only issue. He has to want to end it because of all the pain he has caused you. Seek counseling if he won't cooperate with these requests.

Good luck!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I was begining to think no one would. I was wondering if my feelings that he should stop contact with this women were unresonable. I am glad to learn that they aren't. Your advise about making myself known was not something I had even thought about - thank you! Unfortunately he works in a secure area and visitors or not allowed. She(last I heard)was in another area in the same building. Many of the phone coversations took place on their cell phones WHILE they were at work! He refuses to discuss the issue any further stating that he already said he was sorry that I was hurt. Notice not that he was sorry for what he did just sorry that I am hurt. I have reason to believe that something is still going on even if only on a friendship level because of suspicious phone activity(hiding cell phone...)

My husband won't consider counseling. It's difficult to explain to others unless they have experienced the same problem in their marriage but I don't trust him anymore. Especially when he believes that having that type of "friendship" was appropriate. There is sooo much fustration involved on my part. When I state how I feel he acts like I am making demands and "he is not a child." It is amazing how many spouses feel that having an afair is just something we can sweep away and act like it never happened. I feel like I am walking around the big pink elephant in my home every day that no one else will acknowledge but me.

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B yet? You need to start your Plan A now and as Ark suggests (not sure where this is posted, but it is really good information about that Plan A is and isn't), set a time limit first. Plan A is about doing the best you can to meet his EN while you think the A is still going on. It's an attempt to show him you can meet all of his needs and hopefully, that will be enough motivation for him to end the A. If not, after the alloted time, you move onto Plan B.
I am in Recovery (I think), but I am really considering it a Plan A. It is very hard to give so much and expect nothing in return for now, but that is what you need to do. It's about meeting his needs so he will not need the A. I have seen some positive changes in my WH, so I can say it does work. But, if it does not, then you have to be prepared to go to Plan B, otherwise this mess will never end.
Yes, you have a right to expect him not to work there and stop this relationship, but that will come later. Right now, accept what you see...he is having an affair. Period. He is trying to get you to believe otherwise because he does not want to lose you and does not want to lose her either. The A is the solution wandering spouses have to not getting all needs met by the BS. Have you gotten "Surviving An Affair" yet? It helped me a lot. Read the posts here and the articles, you should start counseling asap for yourself atleast.
I am sorry you are going through this. We all know what it feels like, but you can get passed this.

I am sorry you are going through this. Also, try reading Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. This book will help you "speak" to your H in away he will understand where you are coming from and hopefully not like he is being interogated (although IMO he should be everyday!)
We speak in 2 different languages. He's choosing not to hear your words as well as not listening to your hurt.
Be firm and stick to it. Until he owns up to it, you won't be able to heal it.

Sorry it's taken so long to get responses. I understand the frustration and the humiliation you are feeling about your husband's cavalier "nobody tells me what to do" and "we're just friends" and "I'm sorry you are hurt."

It was 8 years ago that I found my husband's long letter to his "friend." At this point I wish I had divorced him back then. The pain continues. You will feel diminished in ways you don't even understand now, if you allow him to keep his "friendship."

He is lying to you. A lie doesn't have to be outright and spelled out. A clever liar omits, skirts around the truth, answers a question with another question, and it may not be until later, even much later, that you recall the way he said something that sounded like an answer but was a deflection, a distraction.

Read Plan A, Plan B, and How Affairs Should End. Your self-respect will be in tatters if he continues his friendship with this woman. It's an affair. If they aren't actively sexual, that's only the genitals that aren't moving. He has adulterated the sanctity of your marriage by letting this other relationship become more important.

And it IS more important. Her feelings are more important to him than your feelings are. He's sorry your feelings are hurt, but he won't stop hurting them. He won't remove the source of hurt by stopping contact with her.

Could you endure eight more years like this? And it's not as bad as it is going to get. If you want to save your marriage he has to break off with her. Like I said, and like Improving said before I said it, Plan A.