While thing over the past couple of days have been a little more quite.

We are surpose to go to New York this weekend for our 6 year anviersay but he has not decided if he wants to come, he does not know if we should spend some time apart. I told him that I am going whether he comes or not.

But like I said thing seem to be doing a little better but then last night we had sex and I don't know if it was to soon. It has only been 3 three weeks. At the time I was ok with it but now I just feel so sick. Now I have all these questions and concerns.

I really don't know if I should say anything to him or should I just it to myself.

I think the reason i let it go so far is I wanted to see if I could still make love to him. I wanted to see if I still felt the same way and if I could do it but now i feel sick. Now I am wondering. Was it to soon? Someone please help me.

Please let me know if these feelings are right.

mjr, I went back and read some of your posts and I would suggest that you have much bigger problems here than a trip to NY. Your H still works with the OW. As long as he still sees the OW every day, there is no hope of recovery. They should never ever be in contact again, EVER. He will never withdraw and the affair will likely be off and on again for years. You will never ever recover as long as he sees her.

Why are you protecting their dirty little secret for them? Whose side are you on, mjr, because I can't tell.

Is this OW married?

And why have you not been having sex with your H?

Yes it is true that they work together but I can't really do much about that. I have asked my h not to have any contact with her and the thing is if there is contact I will know about it. Because I can just someone at the office I they will tell me. My H works with my family and they have already noticed the distance with between them and have asked me what is going on but I have not told them anything.

Yes she is married and has two kids but I have not said anything to her h. I really don't know if I should. It will turn out to be a bigger problem. Also the our therpist advised that we should not say anything to her h or anyone else unless our marriage is over. because if we tell people then decide to work things out, we made a mess for nothing. Also I need to believe him as hard as it is that there relationship is over because any sign that it is not, I have already told him that his bags will be waiting for him when he comes home that night.

He know that and I don't think he is going to take that chance.

It is not that I am protecting there secert, i just don't need to be more embaressed then I already am. I don't need people judging me. I don't need people telling me what is right for me and my life. I need to figure that out on my own. I don't need people feeling sorry for me.

With regards to the sex issue I have not had sex with him since he told me. Last night was the first time.

mjr, you are protecting their secret at your own expense. Your therapist is giving you horrible advice that almost ensures that your marriage will NEVER recover. Dr Harley would never advocate hiding their dirty secret for them.[he specializes in infidelity and has a very successful track record] Please understand that. And please also understand that you will NEVER EVER recover as long as they continue to work together. The affair is likely to resume at some future date, if it has truly even ended, which I doubt. You only have the word of a liar that it is truly over.

See, if you tell folks, then it is unlikely that the OW will continue to work there. She would have to face his family when she is exposed and it would likely be so uncomfortable that she would leave. Yet, you are protecting them from facing the consequences of their behavior. You are helping them, mjr. At your own expense.

The more exposed the affair, the less likely it is to ever survive. Exposure takes all the fun out of the fantasy because an affair cannot survive unless it is kept secret. So, by helping them hide their dirty secret, you are helping the affair survive. You hide their secret at YOUR expense.

Also, her H has a right to know that his wife has[is] cheating on him so he can protect himself from her.

Without exposing this affair, mjr, you only help make it much easier for them to resume their affair and ruin your chances at recovery.

Why did not have sex with him all this time?

A good article on the importance of no contact by Dr Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

article in its entirety:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html