I figured I’d start a new post here as I wanted to maximize the exposure to this question and my last post is becoming journalish and I know not everyone has the time and/or desire to wade through my mental muck. I’m preparing to take a large permanent step and I need some input. First I’ll give a little history on my situation.

• Nov/03 WW goes on a work conference to Reno and comes back with a new attitude….I go mining for Emails and come up with some tame but unprofessional ones between her an doctor/pilot she works with.

• I have her followed one evening when he‘s up in our town and she sees him at his hotel…not sure if a PA yet though.

• I confront them at the staff Christmas party the next night and a loud shouting match follows between WW and I…we indicated we will work on the marriage.

• WW shows no remorse, blames me, does not want any physical contact, but swears up and down that there is no contact with OM. Sound familiar?

• Mid Dec. 03 incompetent MC suggests a “constructive separation” to resolve the stalemate. Being a “fix it” kind of guy I buy it and we arrange for whoever is working (both shift workers) to stay at the apt. and days off will be at home with the children. Both indicate a desire to repair our marriage.

• Christmas Eve 03 we stay in our home in the same bed. I get the ILYBINILWY crappola. I find proof positive of PA a few days later. WW yanks off her ring and says our marriage is over. I agree….for about 10 Min.

• Separation continues until end of March with the A in my face. WW puts money on another house less than 200 meters from ours with the intention of moving in May. I move back in the house and let her find another place to stay. Still no exposure…..yeah, yeah, I know.

• April 04 find SYMC and this site, grow a pair and start to expose to her family and friends that don’t already know. I call OM’s wife to let her know that apparently she’s separated and going through an amicable divorce…she wasn’t aware of that. She chooses to separate now. Affair continues.

• May 04, WW moves into her house.

• July 04, separation agreement signed giving me the children 50% of the time including every weekend, Plan B letter given, affair continues…and continues and continues.


Since then, in spite of our proximity and 2 children, I’ve spoken to WW a total of less than 5 min. if condensed. All messages filtered through an E mail intermediary. Though the affair continues I know they will not marry for several reasons including the fact neither can move their children from their city and they live 300 km. apart.

So here I am, nearly a year since she’s moved out and she has not filed for a D. I’m ready to, but after speaking to my minister he feels compassion is the order of the day. I thought I’d simply wait until 1 year from the day she moved out and then have her served…no heads up just a knock on her door.

Some one suggested before doing so I give her a hand written note stating that the conditions of the Plan B letter still stand and suggest she either commit to the marriage or I file. I thought that might not be a bad idea, but I’d probably suggest she recommit to the marriage or file herself….wait a week, and if nothing I’d file. If you’ve read through all this I’d appreciate it if you’d be so kind as to comment.

So………whadya figger?

At this point I think I would file - if for any other reason to protect the children. It sure looks like the A is still on going. Can you put the D on hold if something breaks between you and WW?

Realtor, filing will not change the parenting regime, our separation agreement will survive a divorce...nothing will change other than I will be unmarried.

The more I think about this the more I'm mentally editing my note to her. I think I've edited it to read something like the following:

Dear WW,

I'm divorcing you.

Binder

Hey Binder,

This is one of those cases where it is good to tailor the message to the one getting it.

She is a gal, so this is the time to tell her your FEELINGS. She needs to hear about your anguish, that you couldn't stand to contact her because the pain was too much, and that you can't take living like this so you are filing for D.

You made me laugh though - I admit that.

SS

Everyone don't laugh... its not as bad of idea as you think!

You might find one of my old threads interesting regarding this...

Goodbye Letter

I suggest the option, "...if you cannot commit to the family, I will take the necessary steps to end this phase of the drama."

No time frame offered. You pick the day.

If you give her the option to file herself - you'll be waiting a while - and if YOU file the next week, she will certainly claim you didn't give her a chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Thank you SS, Miker and WAT....valid contributions from each of you. I'm thinking that next week I'll give her a card with a variation of the following:


Dear WW,

I miss us, I miss being a husband and part of a family. You have made it clear that you have no intention of committing to restoring what was or creating what could be.

In absence of your commitment I can't see that I have any options left in moving forward with my life.

Love,

Binder

My take - it's YOUR life. You're in charge of it. You've waited one year for things to improve/return to 'normal'/be happy again based on what your relationship could/should be with her.

I have a gilrfriend whose H ran off on her. He came home from work one day, put all his possessions in the back of his pickup truck, and drove off. She never knew where he went or what he was doing. Never heard from him. He left her.

Now she cried and grieved for a long time over him. That's natural, to be expected. But she waited for 2 years without ever hearing from him, waiting for HIM to file for divorce. Because he was in the wrong. I encouraged her to file, really strongly encouraged her. She had to move on with her life. She had a life to live and she was still waiting for him. Waiting for what I'm not sure, but waiting. Finally, after 2 long years, she filed for divorce. She had to put a notice in the newspaper about the fact that she was divorcing him in case he read it or someone he know read it and notified him of the divorce. And she divorced him.

This guy called her about a year later, after the divorce was final. He was in the Chicago area, working and living with a woman. He wanted to buy a house with his new woman and didn't want my friend to object to it in case the bank called her about financing (or some such reason). Well, my friend informed her ex-H that they were divorced, had been for well over a year, and that she didn't give a rat's a$$ what he did. He cried like a baby, couldn't believe she'd divorced him!

FWIW, file. Just my 2 cents.

Active voice: "I'm divorcing you."

Passive voice: "I can't see that I have any options left..."

Whatever you decide to tell her, show your resolve in your writing. Use that active voice.

And dredge up as much compassion as you can, so you will recall that final gesture as a graceful one.

GC

Basketball Eyes,

I hear you…..It really gas been almost 1 ½ years from the time she wanted out…the time it will take to divorce will push this to nearly 2 years….I guess I’ve “earned” my way out. The pay sucks though.

It would be different without children me thinks…not necessarily easier…just different.


GC, Get back to work!

I will consider "emboldening" my writing. Thanks for suggesting the direct approach.

I scored this poem from FIM's thread.....I might add it as aside.

I shall miss loving you.

I shall miss the
Comfort
of your embrace.

I shall miss the
Loneliness
of waiting for your
calls that never came.

I shall miss the Joy
of our comings,
and Pain
of your goings.

and,
after a time,
I shall miss

missing
loving
you.

I was going edit your note so as to tell her what you missed about her, but the poem does it better. I encourage you to use it.

On the end:

" The reason I wouldn't talk to you is that I couldn't take the pain of seeing you, or talking to you and knowing that the one I loved had chosen to love someone else. I just couldn't take it.

Time has passed, and I'm gettin over it. I am going to divorce you and move on with my life.

Love ......."


As always, just suggestions, you need to say it like you would. Oh shoot, you wouldn't, so maybe you NEED suggestions.

I marvel that you have kept your sense of humor through all this. I admire the strength you show us, even if you don't always feel it when you put it out. I salute your courage, even though it cost you at times. Thanks for your example.

SS

Ok...the poem says it better than I could, I actually became a little teary reading it...because of that and SS’s suffix.

I actually became downright emotional earlier this week watching my children. The light that was streaming in through the front window was that soft mellow light you get during the interim between daylight and dusk; the kind of light photographers love. I was playing Love is Everything sung by a local gal, K.D. Lang. My daughter decided she was going to dance ballet to it and did her best to mimic the art form. My son, about to go in the bath, came out to join her...buck naked.

The two of them engulfed in their joy and innocence with the soft light illuminating their perfect bodies.....well it was a moment I wish I could have bottled. The song too, though so beautiful is about a break-up. If I wasn't so dern masculine I could have sworn I heard a sob.

Fast forward to tonight and my son (not at my prompting) tells me his mother is going to San Francisco. I wonder with whom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. It's going to make writing this card that much easier. Though I think I'll leave out the “chosen to love someone else” part.

I'll end it more like:

As I wrote you last July, the reason I won't speak to you is not out of anger, but pain. You, my wife, my lover, and the mother of my children choosing each day another over me and our family continues to haunt my dreams and break my heart.

The pain, though great, is a little less than yesterday, a little more than tomorrow. It is time for me to move on, WW, I'm divorcing you.

Love,

Binder

You say it well, as I have come to expect from you.

I wish I could express my feelings as I watch, but you know them well already. You know the sadness - have lived it.

There is still joy in the world, you know that too, and I am glad.

SS

Binder, if you were sober when you wrote that, you are a beautiful man. If you were drunk, you're even more beautiful (sorry SS). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I like what you wrote for your W.

GC

AWWWWWWW shucks you guys.....thanks.

GC.....I've been called beautiful before...but usually the admirer is drunk. Heck, after a dozen shooters, I'm drop dead gorgeous!

OK boys....have a good night. I gotta be up at 5:30.

I got up at 5:30 too, but after I went to the restroom, I went back to sleep.

SS