WH has been living with the OW since April 4, 05 and asked today to come home. Says it is over and will do whatever it takes to reconcile. I let him know that that meant he could not go over to her house to pick up his stuff, we had to go together preferably when she wasn't home, absolutely no contact, and providing me with all his passwords (phone email etc). I did a great plan A which he has cited every time we have spoken since d-day on Feb 11, 05, however I gave up on our marriage a couple of weeks ago and went ahead and filed for divorce in order to allow myself to move on and get over the constant hurt. Because my WH was able to lie to me and cover his affair for a year before I found out I am completely unsure whether I should trust my judgement regarding his sincerity in this. He swears he will not waver in his commitment, however he does admit that he doesn't like the man he has become and is not sure how he came to be a person he can't respect. Looking inward is good, but not knowing the answer to his downfall makes me feel very concerned. Where do I go from here? FYI I have the book "Surviving an Affair" but I will need to get it back out and review chapters relating to this. By the way we have an 8 year old daughter who has been suffering with anxiety related stomach disorder every since my WH moved out and I am extremely concerned about him coming back in the home only to leave again.
Any advice is so appreciated.
Jody

If you accept him back into your home, make very very clear that you have some set conditions that WILL be met, with set consequences if they are not. For example:

1. Access to ALL email and IM accounts, and any phones of any kind. No exceptions. You WILL be checking them.

2. NC of ANY kind, at any time, in any fashion with the OW. No exceptions of any kind. Any contact initiated by the OW will be shared with you IMMEDIATELY, and you BOTH will decide how best to respond. NO RESPONSES on his own to her.

3. Counseling...IC and MC. You WILL participate. We need to understand why this happened, what lead to it, and how we'll keep it from happening again.

4. Anything else you think that you, or your daughter, need in order to make this work.


Failure to comply will result in immediate seperation, pending divorce. I will NOT go through this again!


My suggestions anyway.

I really like the way you phrased this.

You trust your judgement and not him.

Think about this:

What is he NOT willing to do with a glad heart?

It could be counseling, STD testing, NC letter, whatever.

So, not only pay attention to what he says he wants but also to his attitude about the work required to win the prize that is YOU.

If he is unwilling to gladly do the required steps ... listen to your own good judgement.

Saying what he wants is not good enough. Not in my opinion at least.

YOU are the reward, and never let yourself forget that.

You are the prize ... and there is no bargain bin wife awaiting him.

Crawling back to you on his knees over ground glass shards comes to mind ! LOL

Here are the magical WS words that open the keys to your kingdom ---> "I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this marriage work."

magical words

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the advice. I am pasting your comments into my journal in order to remind me to keep my boundaries in place and will use Owl's post as a spring board for initial "rules" if you will. I feel so scared about trying this. I remember from the SAA book that recovery must be entered into with a 100% commitment but I am really struggling with that concept considering the additional hurt failure could cause. I want a happy committed marriage but I am unsure whether my husband (atleast this Wayward version of him) will be willing and able to do the work necessary to make it happen. When it gets difficult, will he run away again? Wish I had a crystal ball (laughs weakly).