I had posted I am bringing her back home today in last post. I meant back to her Fathers home.You all know how confused I can get under these circumstances.
I am using this site as a counseler. It is convienent right at home. I rather get lots of advice from several people instead of one.

If I dont give my ww a ride to work on Monday,and ignore her at lunch,then she will start getting everything from the om,and she will stop the direct deposit,so I cant pay the rent on one check alone. What do I do then,not to mention the entire warehouse will see them walking to work together. Its embarrassing. I have to start looking for another job. What else can I do? I cant talk about this to the management. They dont want to hear about aff at work,and I would be ashamed to mention it.

Well Steve, that's kind of the idea. The way it's working now, you are doing all the 'work' and he is reaping the benefits. Let him handle everything and see how long the happy little fantasy lasts. Betcha it doesn't last long. What happens when OM can't pick her up one day? How is she going to get to work then? How is she going to feel about him when she sees that he isn't what she thought? How do you think they will fare when the going gets rough? The way things are going now, it seems to me that she has really got it made. One guy to take care of her, and another one to have fun with. By going out of your way like this, you are enabling her affair. You are making it EASY for her.

As for the direct deposit, well, you need to see a lawyer. You kids are not adults yet? Well, she has a RESPONSIBILITY to take care of her children. The courts will back you up on this. Not only will this help to protect your finances and home from her little fantasy, but will be a HEALTHY DOSE OF REALITY for her. She will be mad as heck at first, but those are the consequences of having an affair and leaving your family.

And yes, the entire warehouse will see them together. And it will be embarassing. Embarassing for who though? You think it will be tough on you? Sure, but not as tough as it will be for them. You have nothing to be embarassed about, Steve... YOU are the one staying at home, being a Father and caring for your children while she is the one acting like a teenager. That's something to be PROUD of!!!!

I think you should quit your job. Write a letter of resignation (don't talk to them) to the management, stating WHY you are quitting your job. They may not care about your marriage, but you can be SURE they care about productivity on the job. Many companies prohibit fraternization of employees for exactly this reason. I say TELL EVERYONE why you are leaving.

Also, before you do this, go see a doctor and see if you can get some sort or unemployment insurance or maybe even a PAID SICK LEAVE based on stress at work. Management will be VERY UPSET that this affair is costing them money.

This is something I know a little about. I quit my job because OP and I worked together and I just simply couldn't just keep going in and pretending everything was fine. I didn't tell my boss what was going on at first. Only much later (after I quit) when he kept using OP to send me messages through my wife. I wrote him a letter exposing the affair and asked him to stop sending me messages through the person who ruined my life. She was 'let go' shortly after that. If I had been much more upfront right from the beginning, things might have worked out differently.

Take care Steve, write soon.

dewt

HI
I want to first apoligize to the people who been giving me good advice such as {Melody Lane /Orchid /Shelly 3
Grapegirl /and most of all Dewt. You all basicallyt replied with the same words,and I didnt realize after all these years,but I allowed this behavior of my cheatin ww to continue by being nice to her after she lied,and was carrying on her affairs.
I have to put my foot down right now,and stop doing things for her,so she can rely on the om,and see how bad he can be when things dont go their way. I already seen them argueing last week.
I am giving my notice at work this week after I let everyone know what she did.I am leaving,and she will be the one they talk about at work. She took off,and deserted her family for a guy who left his kids as well. He is living at home with his parents,and when my ww starts paying child support,then lets see how smooth things go with them 2 cheaters.
I cant work at the same place as them two.
I could use a break between jobs to think about the future,and make changes in my family's life that dont involve my ww.
This may hurt a little now,but it will all pay off in the end.I am talking with my ww today,and let her know I wont be doing things for her as long as she is not at home.
I will start my own bank account on Monday,and all the charge cards bills about $7000 are in her name.
My friend told me if I get a restraining order,then she cant come to the house,and take everything. She would also be reponsible for child support. Its time to move in the right direction,and do whats best for the kids,and me.
I know she wont return home,and she is only staying at her Fathers to have more contac with the om.Time to take charge of this negative situation in a positive way. Thanks again. I will keep you all updated.

Steve... If you were here, I'd hug you. I am so glad that you see that you CAN take some positive control of the situation.

Obviously you cannot control your wife, but I'm very happy to see that you realize you have more control over YOUR life than you thought.

I would advise you to see a lawyer first, before laying things down for your wife. If she is used to getting her way after all these years, and if she is used to being able to walk all over you, she will probably NOT react all that well to you finally standing up for yourself. See a lawyer first, find out exactly what your rights are and make sure you take steps to PROTECT yourself so that IF (or when) she flips out, you are protected from any backlash.

You have taken a very important first step. But the truth is, things are not likely to get any easier for you right away. Now is the time to PLAN CAREFULLY so that as things arise, you are prepared.

Follow this link and read about How to survive and affair and then ESPECIALLY read about Plan A and Plan B. (Especially read about Plan B, since that's likely going to be the most effective for you right now)

Before talking to your wife, read those pages and post any questions you have. This is a VERY crucial time for you. You are discovering that you have PERSONAL POWER that you didn't know you have and you want to make sure that you do it properly. The object here is not only to save your marriage, but also make it BETTER than before. And if you can't save your marriage, well at least you can save yourself and come out the other end in better shape than you were when you went in.

Talk to ya soon,

dewt

Oh yeah... I forgot to mention... if you do this right, it's going to be SUCH A SHOCK to her. Her head will be SPINNING!!!!

I talked with my ww on the phone a few mins ago,and she said she wont be coming to visit today,cause its
Mothers day,and she would feel uncomfortable around the kids. She left with the om last Sunday. She also said she dont see the om ,but has talked to him on the phone.
Next week she will use another excuse to stay away.
She is going to see a counseler for her own problems on
why she seeks so much attention from men.
I feel I am being used for rides to work,and she is staying at her Fathers ,and not with her family.

I think mother's day is EXTREMELY difficult for wayward moms. It's perfectly understandable that she would want to stay away. Don't take it as a bad sign. Take it as a good sign. She is obviously feeling shame and unhappiness. The fact that she wants to stay away is a VERY good sign.

Let her make and use all the excuses that she wants. This is part of the process. Please understand, Steve, that most (if not all) of what she does is going to be extremely predictable. This is where PLAN A comes in handy. (Please do the reading so you understand what Plan A is for) I'm glad you alread see the patterns and are ready for what is going to come. Next week she probably will use another excuse, and when that happens, you will be ready.

She MAY be having second thoughts. She MAY tell you she wants to come home. My advice would be to tell her that you don't think she should yet. Tell her that some time apart might be a good thing because it will allow her to get the counselling she needs and ALSO (more importantly) you need some time to think about all this. Tell her that her actions have left you with many questions and you need time to decide how YOU are going to handle this. That will scare the living heck out of her and really make her start to think. Right now, she feels (and with good reason) that she can do pretty much anything she wants and you will just lie down and take it. Time to burst that balloon, Steve.

You must do all this with love and kindness. No fighting. But the bottom line is that you are sending a solid message that YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT this kind of behaviour from your WIFE. By not letting her come home right away, you are SHOWING her, not just telling her. You need to be strong, Steve.

You are being used. You have been used. You have been treated very badly and unfairly. This is pretty much normal when it comes to cheating spouses. It's time to SHOW her, with love and kindness, that you have put your foot down and will not take it anymore.

This will have three VERY IMPORTANT results.

Firstly, you will be protecting yourself and your kids from more damage.

Secondly, you will be EARNING SOME RESPECT from her. She will begin to see that you will not tolerate her behaviour.

Thirdly, and perhaps most important, you will begin to work on your SELF RESPECT.

This is known as SETTING BOUNDRIES and is one of the most important things you can learn on this site.

Take care Steve,

dewt

Oh yeah... one more thing...

Take the kids out today and HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dewt

I told my wife to find a ride to work this morning,but she didnt quite understand,cause she waited for me to pick her up,but IU will not give in,or giver her anymnore rides to work until she gives the cell phone back to the om,and stopd talking to him. She denies any contac with him,that he is just a friend,and she never found a ride ,cause everyone was already at work. I was so happy not to see her make it in. She will be fired if she misses one more time.
Meanwhile her friend at work the girl who was juggling 2 guys until last week,cause she is getting married soon said my wife is involved in an affair with him.
I just talked to my wife on the phone,and she said she is leaning towards not returning to our family.I told some of the co workers what she did leaving us all,and none of them even knew.They cant believe she would do that. My ww also said today it was all her fault that she has her own problems,and thats why she left. It wasnt any of us.
I believe she will hit the om for rides,and she may ignore both me,and her female friend at work.This is 10 days now that she has been gone returning here for one night on our anniversary.
What steps can I take next? She is saying there is no affair,but she talks to him all night.She is staying at her Fathers so she can be connected,and stay in contac with her om.

Steve, did you her what Dewt told you to tell her? That she needs to get into counseling and that you don't want her to come home now?

hi
My ww is going to a counseler for herself,and I told my wife I dont want her to return until she gives back the cell phone,and stops contac with the om.She wont return soon.Her Fathers place is her ticket to the aff.

I am trying to successfully employ Plan A,but my ww wont give back the om his cell phone,so the communication continues all night while ww is staying at her Fathers.
It is my ww who chases,and goes after the om .WOULD TALKING TO THE OM ABOUT HOW HE IS HALF AT FAULT HERE,AND SHE WONT RETURN HOME TO HER FAMILY ,CAUSE OF THE CONTINIOUS COMMUNCATION WITH THE CELL PHONE. WHAT IF I TELL HIM HE IS The REASON SHE TOOK OFF,AND HE IS The PROBLEM SHE IS NOT RETURNING. HE IS DIVORCED LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS,AND ALSO GAVE UP ON 2 KIDS. WOULD TALKING TO THE OM backfire,and make them closer?

Steve, I wouldn't even bother. The OM is not the problem. The problem is an endless line of OM that your W pursues. The problem lies with her. She needs to be willing to change herself and you cannot change her.

I would suggest sending her a nice Plan B letter telling her:

a) you love her

b) her endless affairs over the years have hurt you and the kids very much

c) ask her not to contact you until she has stopped her destructive behavior and demonstrates, via counseling, that she is addressing her emotional problems

Tell her in the letter that she can have supervised visitation with the kids at her fathers house.

That is the only thing I can see that would protect you and the kids, Steve. And it may just give her the motivation she needs to change. As it is now, she has no motivation to change because you sit by and do nothing while she has endless affairs.

What does her father say about all this? Have you spoken to him?

hi
My ww Father has Altimezers ,so he dont know what is really goin on here. I am not bothering with the om.
Well today was the first day my ww got a ride from someine else. A nice old guy gave her a ride in the morning,but he works till 5:30 pm ,and ww gets out at 3:30pm,so she is going to probaly get a ride from the om. She was very MAD
at me today for not giving her a ride. I was happy inside for not being a servant as usual.She went outside for lunch,and sat by herself,and hung her head low in front of teh whole warehouse,so the could see she felt bad for what she did.{leaving her family} She also said that she has
the problem,and it isnt us.Is this going to backfire on me by letting the om take her home? Also can my ww log on here,and read all this? I am going to call her tonite,but I dont think all the talk will do any goood. I really think she is gone for good,cause she not only took off on the whole family,but she ran off with the om,and said its just a friend. I think if it was just a friend,then she would give back the cell phone.Shge also got mad at her female friend for a while,cause she told me she was having an aff.

I talked with ww last night,and she said she isnt coming back.I have to make changes now that dont involve her in the future plans.She was asking why the kids dont even call her,and I said your an adult why dont you call,or come visit them.She still refers to the om as just a good friend who she talks with on the cell phone. She says she is busy on weekend nights, but it cause she wants to see the om.
She was being nice when I continued to take her to work,but now she is a [censored],and full of anger.She said I was only nice to her for 20 years to keep her here. Well I think thats what a marriage is. I am inviting her here to take most of her things,so she doesnt return when no one is home,and takes everything.

Hey Steve,

Sorry it's been so long since my last reply. I'm glad to see that you are still posting updates. One question though... how are YOU doing? This can be a pretty tough thing to go through and I want to know that you are taking care of yourself.

As for the situation with your wife, well sadly this is pretty much common behaviour for a wayward spouse.

Keep up with the Plan A, but start reading about Plan B. That one's next.

HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO A LAWYER YET?

Right now, your wife is very confused and still reacting to the situation. I think pretty soon, she's going to get angry and maybe try to attack you in some way. (legally, by taking 'everything' from the home, etc)

YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO A LAWYER. You don't have to take her to court yet, but you need to make sure that YOU ARE PROTECTED. I can't stress how important this is.

Don't bother trying to talk to OM. Ignore him. As Melody pointed out, he isn't the problem, your wife is. Also, the OM sounds like a real loser. If he doesn't care about his own family, it's not likely he will care about yours.

Let your wife be as angry as she wants. Just remember, YOU DIDN'T DO THIS. You are not the one having an affair, you are not the one abandoning your family. It's NATURAL that your wife be angry at you. She is being very selfish right now and selfish people don't usually get angry at themselves. When she stops being angry with you, you can take it as a sign that she is starting to smarten up.

Stop calling her. Let her call you. The sooner she realizes that you are not going to chase her, the sooner she will start to face the reality of her decisions.

She may very well read here if she knows you are posting. Especially when you stop calling her.


Steve, here on MB, what you have just said is called 'reverse babble'. I'm proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Have a good day today, Steve. You da man.

dewt

I am doing fine . The first week is very tough.My ww would not leave all on her own,but the om picked her up ,and filled her head with crazy ideas on the cell phone for 2 months.He is divorced,living at home with parents,and also gave up on 2 kids.The second week the anger,and bad mouth remarks come out when she said he is just a friend,but you know its an aff.She depended on me Monday for a ride,but I been there for her for 20 years,and she didnt expect me not to pick her up.She missed work,and went crazy on me. I enjoyed it.Tuesday she went outside for lunch ,and hung her head low by herself lookinhg for sympathy from everyone like she feels bad she left the kids,only after I told workers what she did the day before. Then yesterday she joined the om,and his friend outside for all 3 breaks.
She doesnt realize it ,but everyone is saying she left her family to be with 2 losers. If there was no aff,then she would not have left ,and not return.
I am going to seek some financial help today,and talk to ww tommorow about child support. Our daughter finishes her first year of college today, is buying a car,and comes home tonite.She starts work on Friday. My son is doing good.

I am stuck in the middle of Plan A,and Plan B.My ww sees the om,he takes her home from work. SHE takes breaks with him at work. They share his 2 cell phones all night. She sends phone pics. They see each other on late weekend nights. She just said the other day,he is one of the best friends she ever had.He coaches her as he been through divorce,and gave up 2 kids.
Yet she says he is just a friend. That their is no sex going on between them. She is thinking about coming home for the weekend,or part of the weekend. She didnt come by last Sunday,cause of Mothers Day. She said she would have been uncomfortable since she took off the previous Sunday.How can I write a Plan B letter,or stop contac with her,if she still wants to come over sometime,and says the om is just a friend? What should I do now while she says she is still thinking ,and undecided about returning home for good.If she does not come by for the weekend,then I believe its to spend more time with the om,and next weekend will be another reason not to come by.

Steve,

Plan A and Plan B are very different. By stuck in the middle, do you mean you are considering Plan B? You cannot do both at the same time. By definition, it's impossible. So what exactly do you mean by this?

She is thinking of coming home for the weekend? Why?

Have you read the article on Plan B? Do you know what Plan B is?

If you feel ready for Plan B, I (and others here) would be happy to help you put a really good one together.

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

John