hi guys, i'm new here. this is my first post. (obviously, i know right?)

and i am having a rough day today.

i found out a little over 2 weeks ago that my husband had been seeing someone else while living in another state working a contract job, while i was back in the state where we used to live. i stayed back so he could make sure that he wanted to move us out here, or find a new contract job.

he moved to NewPlace in september and by november, had cheated on me.
not only had they slept together, but eventually she had a key to the apartment i would be moving into in march.

she loves him. and he "loves her differently than me"

thing is, he made his decision to stay with ME last monday. and he hasnt broken it off with her yet.

he informs me today that he is dragging his feet on it because "friday is her birthday"

i told him i NEEDED hom to break it off before then, because, OH YEAH, i'm his wife... and he chose ME.

how do i make sure he does this without being a nagging wife?

Be a nagging wife!! Nothing is wrong with wanting what YOU want...your HUSBAND!
I am so sorry you are here. Her birthday, smirshday. If he's done with their affair, then it's done. If not, he'll continue tippy toeing around you for her. Not fair. If he has told you, you are who he is going to commit to, then he needs to prove it.
Sorry to be harse, but he's just pleasing you with his words right now. He's still into her until he "shows" you otherwise with no excuses.
I am here to help if you like. I suggest you start reading the books and websites out their on infidelity. He's showing the signs of continuing his affair.
holiday

well, he sent the letter, ver batim, from the book. and we haven't heard from her since. which is great, right? and we havent really fought since all of this happened. we have disagreements, but we are able to navigate through them with way better communication and ease.


being the optimist and one who thinks that everything happens for a reason... is it CRAZY and unrealistic for me to think of his affair as the kick in the butt WE needed to get back to being a happy married couple? you know, one of those: you dont know what you have until you lose it, kind of things.

don't get me wrong. i have forgiven my husband for the affair. he has been open and honest with me ever since. and he has done everything i have asked/requsted/insisted. but i am still VERY angry about the whole thing. and i find myself thinking about it at very inopportune times. which is hard, because he can see it on my face. but i don't want to barrage him with questions every single time i have them.


is it ok to feel this ok only after a month? well, 35 days. and by "ok" i mean "not resentful", "angry", "depressed", or "totally broken".

jupiter...try 6 months or more later. It's like we plant the bad mememories in the ground, only for them to grow and pop through the soil and hurt us again. So we push them back down in the soil, hoping they won't hurt us for awhile.
Keep up your faith that this shall pass. Keep that honesty and openess first and foremost.

i know it will all take time. it's just a wee bit surreal how great things are between us again.

sure, there is part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop.... but at the same time, if he hadn't left me for her to begin with, that means he wanted us to work, right?


i understand her role in all of this. while i was the one making him unhappy, she was the one making him happy. and i understand his role in this. he was too upset and confused and hurt to come to me and really ask me to fix the problems i was creating on our marriage.

i have totally accepted the fact that i was not responsible for driving him into her arms, but i know i have now made a very loving home when he did walk out of her arms.

thank you holiday for all of your kind thoughts and helpful words.

~j29

This story sounds very familiar. My husband cheated on me when he was on a short deployment and I found out about it immediately when he came home. He did have a hard time telling her not to contact him anymore, he didnt want to be mean. He said she hadn't done anything wrong he had. BS- she knew he was married and I made it clear it needed to end immediately if there was any hope for us.

He did end it and although I have a lot of hurt and resentment he is truly trying to make it work between us. If you did not know that there had been infidilety in out marriage, you wouldn't know. It is wierd how well we have gotten along since we put our marriage back at the top of the priority list. I think we were expecting a lot out of our marriage, but maybe not putting alot into it.

For me this happened last August, and I do still think about it, I have forgiven, but I will never forget.

Shortly after it happened for me, I was looking for a sign of what I was supposed to do and we went to a friends wedding. When I was dancing with the groom for the dollar dance he asked how I was doing (he knew what had happened) and I said ok- he said " You are a strong woman and you will get through this one way or another, it is easy to cut down the tree you have grown together when it is damaged in the storm, it is a little more work and there will be some scars, but if you trim off the damaged branches it can grow just as big and beautiful as it would have-think about it before you take the easy way out and just cut it down."

That was the sign I was looking for to try to make our marriage work. I still have bad days and need his reassurances, have more insecurity than before but we are getting through this and you can too, if you both want too.