Hey! Tonight was a night for reflection... Spent some time looking over my posts here at MB and thinking about the past *ulp* five weeks.

It's been:
5 weeks since I saw Phil with OW
4 weeks since I got proof of A
3 weeks since I joined MB
2 weeks since Phil 'fessed up to A
1 week that I've slept more than 8 hours

And here I am, lower than I've ever been. No family left, no career left and soon I'll have no home. Aside from all that, I STILL feel sorry for Phil! He's afraid to show people the real Phil. He's afraid to be himself. He doesn't know who he is. He gets by spinning lies every day. It's all pretend for him.

I've always been myself with him and everyone else -- flaws and all. Even when I was dressing-up for Phil, I was always me. No lies. No pretending to be something I wasn't. I wasn't brave. I didn't know any other way to be. And I am not going to start lying and pretending because I believe in myself at least that much.

This person I've become in the past year and really, mostly the past three months, this isn't me and I'm not going to play this part any more. OW can have it. She can have him. So he wants fantasy and her name means fantasy -- so what! That's not for me. I want real excitement and real love and real risk and real happiness.

I'm beautiful -- I know men stare and fumble around me. I have a loving heart. I’m never afraid to try. What the hell am I doing waiting for this guy? It hurts too much to do that knowing he doesn't appreciate someone real with a real mind and real desires. I'll keep working Plan A up 'til July 4. I like the romanticism of that date.

No promises once Independence day comes. Phil will know where to find me. I'll be on my island, in my jeans and t-shirt, eating my blueberry pancakes the same as I've done for the last oh, 35 Independence Days of my life! Plan A is helping me. I can see growth, but maybe it’s time for me to stop trying to be appealing to Phil. He didn’t like me once I started trying to be what he wanted anyway.

I’m shoving all of that phony make-up, silly dress-up, diamond jewelry, haughty I’m all fake and happy crap in the trash. I’m going to be in my gardens getting dirty. I’m taking back my black t-shirts. I’m keeping the holidays in Anguilla because I’m not stupid. I’m going to be me and who cares if he doesn’t like it?

Skip the tea and F*sk THAT, roared the real Sally.

" Skip the tea and f**k that roared the real Sally."

Wow. I couldnt have put it any better myself. This is one of the best rants I've ever read <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />.

Sally,

"I STILL feel sorry for Phil!"

OOFTAH!! (Midwestern/norwegian kind of exclaimation)

All I can say is five weeks is nothing in this marathon. I did go read your first post. You are not married correct? and the OW is married. I did not go through them all to see if you exposed to her spouse. Hope so.

Not married with no kids does change things. Much easier to say byby. Specially if he is not remorseful and is ________ (fill in the blank).

I say good for you!! LIFE IF MUCH TOO SHORT FOR THIS BULLPOOP!

Tell him to "POUND SAND UP HIS A$$ WITH A BALL PEEN HAMMER,"

There is soooo much out there for you. GO GET IT!

K

ooohhhh---i loved anguilla. we went there for a bit when we were in st maarten last time. anguilla is my kind of vacation----so beautiful and peaceful.......see---now i wanna go back!!!

A very good summary, Sally.

See? No matter what, a good Plan A cannot fail. Introspection and its subsequent growth is unavoidable regardless of what happens in the relationship.


Your independence day? Then what? Fireworks or you just disappear into the larger real world - with different fireworks?

If/when this comes, thinking about it some more, I'm not sure Plan B will be for you - unless you believe your investment is so large that you have more to lose than potentially gain by cutting your losses. On the other hand, Plan B is passive and frees you up from "investing" more energy. But rather than Plan B, "Dear John" would sever things and really set you free. Plan B keeps the door open and keeps you tied to the former relationship. This is fine for married folks - you're still VERY much married.

WAT

Edited to add - when you go to Anguilla, you leave the jeans and black t-shirts at home, right?

LOL, it’s not OK to wear t-shirt and jeans in the islands? WAT, I wasn’t kidding, I have no fashion sense whatsoever. All suggestions for better dressing are accepted with gracious thanks!

krusht, oh I wish I could say bye easily. I want my heart to stop talking. Talk, talk, talk. Words, thought, all this silent talk. I rant to get the words out so that I can be quiet some more. Other people's ideas - ones I might not consider on my own are what are helping me now.

Shelly and Nikko, you’re where I want to be in many ways… Getting the old relationship back isn’t really my goal. I’d like to keep some bones to build on, but I don’t think I could revert to the naïve Sally of five weeks ago. If there’s a path for me and Phil to travel together, it's not a path backward.

Does plan B keep us tied to the former relationship? It seems more like refined separation… Does it keep the happier memories alive until new ones can be made? Will plan B provide us with objectivity enough to separate desires from needs?

Sally

It's not a fashion issue - HA! Me - a fashion slave? Hardly.

It's a practicality.

Black t-shirts and jeans, that is.

It's the unrelenting sun and lots of humidity.

T-shirts are OK, but not black ones, huh?

Jeans are too heavy, don't you think?

My tropical wardrobe amounts to just several bottles of SPF 45. - and a hat.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Hi Sal!

I was in a sitch similar to yours in that we were not legally married and did not have kids together. We were engaged, living together and owned property together.

I asked him to move out one year ago this month, I then went into NC in July.

Mine was a modified Plan B plan and letter, because I at that time had no intention of leaving the door open. However it was not really a Dear John letter either.

Basically I said that I needed to move on and hoped that he was able to find happiness as well. Well I guess that is a Dear John letter, except that I made sure it was a love letter as well, because I was still very much in love with him.

I still believe very strongly in Plan A/Plan B concept even for those who were not legally married, if not to save the relationship then to be able to heal and move on.

In your heart Sally you were very much married and so all the emotions would be the same. And living together, the practical problems would be similar as well.

I did try to date this winter but my heart still wasn't in it.

Now it seems that he is changing. In his case I think he is just plain tuckered out. Three failed marriages before me, and he is only 44.

He comes around now to help with maintenance on my rentals and house. He asks for mothing from me in return and stays at motels. We are becomming friends and are having a new start in so many ways. Partly because he finally realized that the buck stops with him and is working hard on his issues. I am doing the same.

What happened during my Plan B Sally was that I detached in a healthy way. I am now able to love maturely I think. MB has helped me more than I can ever say in that way.

If we don't get back together I know we will both be okay. I think what has happened is that I have healed, forgiven and let go.

Now I am free to fall in love again, and so is he.

If that makes sense.

And if he had just went on his merry way and not started coming around and trying to help me in such an unselfish way, I think I would still be okay now. Because I did everything I could do, and have earned my way out of this relationship.

I failed to do that in the past with other failed relationships and so I don't think I was ever really healthy enough to make a relationship work, or to choose a good partner as I just kept making the same mistakes over and over again.

This is why I am a huge advocate of Plan A/Plan B to either end it or to be able to love again some day.

Since last Thursday’s Phil-spewing, the week has been another “worst” ever. Phil walked out three months ago and it’s been as if part of me has died and my family died all over again. Only this time, I am so utterly alone and without a home because of what Phil is choosing to do purposefully.

It used to be I accepted that what I cherish in life only exists in combination with loss and sorrow. I had strength and inner conviction that if I tried to be a good person and live a good life, it would be enough. I had inner peace knowing I made a difference to the world by living life every day without making grand gestures.

Phil was enough for me without money or fancy objects. He had no material wealth when I fell in love with him. It was that he loved me so deeply and truly – I thought no woman ever was loved more by a man than Phil loved me. I thought Phil was my reward for being a loving person. All I had to give was my love and my self in return.

I accept the contradiction that faults Phil for leaving me but doesn’t fault Phil for chasing the desires of his heart (…and I don’t think the desires of his heart are OW). He’s been living so much in the future with his pre-packaged ideals and fantasies. He wants to find his way to feeling happiness and fulfillment living in the present. He ran away to do that, and because he thinks he has to stay away, he’ll try to destroy the love he feels for me.

I hate the inner voice that screams I’ve wasted my adult life working hard to be responsible for myself so I could learn and grow and give more to others than I took. I hate thinking I wasted my love and spirit and chances to have a family on a man who thinks I drained him of all the riches in his soul.

When I’m quiet, I know it’s not about me or OW, or anyone but Phil right now… Meanwhile love dies in me a little every day. Weaver, WAT, yeah, you get me. I am married in my heart and felt that way since I said yes to Phil's proposal. For me, that promise was betrothal. Maybe it's the religious heritage?

I don't know if I will love again. Some days the lows are so bad I don't know if I will even care enough to live. I don't feel like I'm living -- more like I'm just stealing oxygen.

Sally

Sally, Sally, Sally.

Go back and read your first post on this thread.

Then look in the mirror and admire a strong woman.

WAT

I know. I know. I know. :-(

I read it. Read it a few times... then read the rest. And what I see is a downward trend with teeny spikes up since that first post. I'm sinking lower every few days and with each new low I'm still being surprised with myself --

Why would I even get this low? I've always been so strong about taking care of myself. It used to be a huge LB for Phil! Maybe this emotional flip-flopping is what Phil saw in me since the pregnancy? I would remember feeling like this though -- It's horrible!

I don't know.

Sally

And I know I'm vain about my looks... but I look like sh*t and that has me so demoralized. My face is all poison ivy scabby and when did I get this old? Everything just looks old. I think I even smell old.

Go ahead and flame away. I deserve it. I know this is OW upset bubbling up. I'd been solacing myself for the first couple of months knowing my body was in great shape and I had so much going for me in terms of physical attractivenss, but it's not buoying me up anymore.

My hair's been falling out in these huge tangle crawlers and I know it's from the stress and it'll grow back but... And my skin looks all ravaged. I know it'll heal but... all right -- WHO knew breasts had to be THAT HUGE for Phil to get an erection these days!?!?

Sometimes I still have nightmares of the two of them in bed together. My Phil with -- with -- THAT low person on top of him. Where was the eye Drano when I needed it? I'm sickened by it and I still want him anyway and that sickens me too because it's just got to be a huge character flaw in me.

And now I'm back to ranting.
Sally

Sally it takes time and Plan A is the worst I think, even Dr. Harley recommends A/D's for Plan A because of the emotional rollercoaster involved.

Our timelines are similar in that I called off my wedding and he moved out last May (wedding scheduled for July 4th weekend) but it was really March when my heart started breaking because I knew I had to end it. As it turns out I went into my Plan B in July.

It took me three weeks after NC of any kind with him to start feeling better, by 5 weeks I was feeling almost pretty good.

You have a broken heart Sal, it will take time to mend.

You are so new into this, I mean it's just three months since he moved out and you were very much in love. Your mind is still trying to wrap itself around his leaving, and your heart is still trying to grasp the broken dream. Not to mention the uncertainty of your future.

If you need to go Plan B earlier then do it, but if you can stick to your timeline of July. Just try to concentrate on the plan and know that you are doing this for a reason. The plans really help people to focus on something positive THEY CAN do, while the devastation is the greatest. Since the WS has really taken all the control away from them.

It just takes time. Hang on girl, happiness will find you again.

And Sally you still have time to have a baby and a whole new life.

WAT told me not only would I love again, I would love better. That was several months ago, I thought he was half crazy at the time, but he was right.

And it will be the same for you.

LOL! The girl my ex was with (and took to our vacation property) had implants. On the board here I used to call her "ole fake t*ts) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He got rid of her when I went to Plan B. Now I don't think anything of her at all. She will have saggy ole breasts, and I will not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Weaver thank you. I'm so sorry for being such a drag. The floodgates opened and now I'm bawling. If only I'd known I would have done so many things differently.

I wanted to be a responsible parent and when we were younger I wasn't ready. Then when I was ready I was already peri-menopausal. HRT isn't helping me feel better either...

It was a minor miracle I got pregnant in the first place. Phil and I had talked about adopting and even surrogacy. I wish he had just told me what was going on with him.

and I wish I didn't miss him because I feel like an idiot about that too. I can stick with plan A. I like plan A. I just don't like feeling this passive. I like doing so much more than NOT doing.

So I keep painting and refinishing floors and doing anything constructive to get through the night.

What did Phil say last Thursday? He asked me if I thought he didn't notice how beautiful the house is? He asked me if I thought he didn't notice how everything looked? How I looked to him?

I couldn't respond. I had no answers. I still don't -- If he sees, how could he keep going like this? HELLO!? I look so old and tired. I weigh less than my dog these days.

And there is the phone ringing again. Another blocked number. Another hang-up. What a surprise. This has got to stop. I need a holiday far away from here. Some place where no one knows me or Phil. Some place where I can breathe and eat and sleep in peace.

Can I risk it? Can I risk taking off wondering if I'll have a house and dogs when I come back?

Sal. I think I like that "Sal" :-)