Shelle,
It is such a difficult journey! I'm sorry that you, too, are going through it. As far as putting your needs aside again, or giving your H a second chance, only you can make that decision. (Although I've found that there are lots of people who are happy to give you THEIR opinions! lol ) I found it to be one of the hardest decisions of my life. I practically destroyed my own mental and physical health in the process. I wish I had been strong enough to leave earlier on. I do think that he was on his "last chance" with me this last time.
I'm not advocating for any time frame with regards to leaving or staying in the marriage. My ex and I went on to have several years of a good relationship. In 2001, however, he started to change again. I thought he was using, that he had relapsed. All the behaviors were there. The manipulation, half truths, money unaccounted for, large amounts of time away from home. He denied it. We did go for marriage counseling for awhile. Seemed to be getting nowhere. I eventually found out that he was having an affair with a 21 yr old (he was 47 yrs. old) that he met at his AA/NA meetings. At the time I found out, I also was told that she was 6 months pregnant with his child. I divorced him in 2002.
Although he's never picked up a drink or used drugs since his last treatment, I feel that in a way he did "use" again. He was at a point in life, and in his Recovery, where he was aware of how little he had accomplished in his life. Instead of stepping up to the plate and moving forward, I think he chose to "use" by having this affair. It provided an "escape" from the responsibilities of the world, just as he had done with his drug and alcohol use.
He ended up, however, with greater responsibilities. The child he and the OW had was born with Down Syndrome.
And yes, Coach,
While your question may be "childish", it is one I have asked myself many times. I realize that I am an adult who makes my choices. But I also know that I, too, am wounded and can't always figure out how to heal in spite of my best efforts. I appreciate your thoughts.