Shelle,
It is such a difficult journey! I'm sorry that you, too, are going through it. As far as putting your needs aside again, or giving your H a second chance, only you can make that decision. (Although I've found that there are lots of people who are happy to give you THEIR opinions! lol ) I found it to be one of the hardest decisions of my life. I practically destroyed my own mental and physical health in the process. I wish I had been strong enough to leave earlier on. I do think that he was on his "last chance" with me this last time.

I'm not advocating for any time frame with regards to leaving or staying in the marriage. My ex and I went on to have several years of a good relationship. In 2001, however, he started to change again. I thought he was using, that he had relapsed. All the behaviors were there. The manipulation, half truths, money unaccounted for, large amounts of time away from home. He denied it. We did go for marriage counseling for awhile. Seemed to be getting nowhere. I eventually found out that he was having an affair with a 21 yr old (he was 47 yrs. old) that he met at his AA/NA meetings. At the time I found out, I also was told that she was 6 months pregnant with his child. I divorced him in 2002.

Although he's never picked up a drink or used drugs since his last treatment, I feel that in a way he did "use" again. He was at a point in life, and in his Recovery, where he was aware of how little he had accomplished in his life. Instead of stepping up to the plate and moving forward, I think he chose to "use" by having this affair. It provided an "escape" from the responsibilities of the world, just as he had done with his drug and alcohol use.
He ended up, however, with greater responsibilities. The child he and the OW had was born with Down Syndrome.

And yes, Coach,
While your question may be "childish", it is one I have asked myself many times. I realize that I am an adult who makes my choices. But I also know that I, too, am wounded and can't always figure out how to heal in spite of my best efforts. I appreciate your thoughts.

I think one of my biggest sourecs of insecurity in my marriage came from my Wife's lack of affirmation about my changes. I felt great about them and saw things improving between us. When asked she didn't. She acklowledged the changes but didn't feel that 'in love' feeling anymore. I grew frustrated and felt OM contact was mostly to blame. 'I f he just wasn't in the picture I'd be doing so much better' was my core thought. I overlooked the level of resentment she had built up towards me.

Now the root of my depression is that I blew up any and all good feelings my changes her having with her, and then some. She said my actions on telling OMW killed any love she had for me. So I inflicted a major set back upon myself by my impulsive actions.

I think I am spending to much time and energy to get her to admit this was a problem and trying to 'negoticate' by past progress back.

The whole event is being viewed as a marriage ender, not a set back. I spent too much energy with this mind set.

Writing this response has given me an idea for my next email to my wife.

Mark,
You are neither as bad or good as you would like to think. You're just a guy lost, trying to find his way back. You don’t need to accept all the worlds’ guilt for past errors or sins. All you really need to do is GROW and learn and become better...and you need to know that you do this for no one other then yourself.

As for your WW, just give her time and have faith that she will work out all of this for herself. If you just would stop trying to direct her, she might even manage to get "there" sooner rather then later.

Look, there comes a time in each of our lives when all we can do is cast our bread upon the water and wait patiently to see what returns to us. And Mark all the crying; screaming, renting of cloak and searching of soul will not change that one iota. Beg and plead if you will, but sore knees are all that you may reasonably expect in return.

Life is testing you. All that’s good comes at a price, but its rear that the price is higher then we are able to pay…but that doesn’t matter because it is a price that will be paid…one way or another, it will be paid.

Learn to listen.
Coach

Thanks coach

Sorry Coach,

I let you down. We've been fighting and I let her get the better of me. She ended up pushing and poking me before screaming 'I Hate You' just inches from my face.

I'm just looking for someone to talk to. I felt it would be more productive than just venting to others. I tried to explain myself and my feelings.

I don't know anymore. I feel so down and hopeless right now I don't know if I an go on. I'll see what the damage is later, but I don't expect emerging unscaved from all this.

I'm trying to fix things to fast I guess. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I thought I could hold tough.

I feel she just wants me to suffer. She's suceeding. I actually lost my lunch at this afternoons tyraid.

I just need someone to be emotionally intimate with. I can't take it anymore.

That's cause she does! And you keep helping her!
Coach

Coach again you're right. It's the patience I lack. I still have this need to communicate with the one who knows me best. Well next to me that is.

I just get so confused. I get email telling me that its 'like puuling teeth' to get me to talk. Then last week at family therapy wife says we're just avoiding the issue. That in response to my statement of things seemed to be getting better. That set me off somehow. It just hit a very fragle me the wrong way. It was like vomitting once started I can't stop it until I'm purged. Things have just been all about her. What about me?

Thats wrong thinking but thats what I'm thinking. I went with the brutal honesty approach. 'Hey look at me I hurt too'.

I'll be backing off for a while. I appokogized this afternoon to no acknowledgement. Thats better than 'fu Mark'. Well tempers seem down this evening. I still feel like I need my apology acknoledged.It'll be hard but it's most likely best to shut up about it. I got it out there twice. She had to have heard. Thats all I can do any more would be harassing her.

Speaking of vomit - I lost my lunch today. I just got so upset. Things were wierd I just started seeing in 2 dimensions and its like I was watching a movie - like I wasn't even there. I couldn't function at work after that.

Today is the end of family counseling - my girls are coping well. I'm glad they are, but I'm sorry it didn't run longer and help heel us.

Tommorow is another day.