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Re: From FWS to all BSs: Input on apology to OMBS
Ahuman #1368144 05/04/05 01:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
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worthatry Offline
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But I guess, how will MY apology help her at this point anyway? Does that change things for any of you?

We can only speculate about this - trying to put ourselves in her situation.

On the surface, it can be seen as an obligation solely on your part - because who else would/could apologize to her? Her H can't.

Trying hard to imagine myself in her situation I honestly cannot say what is the right thing to do. We here have unavoidable biases because we know too much about affairs. We have to assume she knows as little as we did just before our individual discoveries.

I think I'll stick with my revised recommendation to not bother her. But I have this question for your BS - does he want you to do this out of a sincere sense of "obligation" or for some ulterior motive, i.e., as punishment and "paying the toll" for you?

WAT
Re: From FWS to all BSs: Input on apology to OMBS
worthatry #1368145 05/04/05 03:28 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
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Angi Offline
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so she leared a year ago & he has been gone for OVER a year.

PLEASE leave this women alone!

She has made her peace with it OR she would have contacted you by now. How in the world did she find out after. NEVER mind...I don't want to know.

BW(me) - 28 H 28 - (OW - 18!) D-day 3/10/05 (Happy b-day to ME & our SON!) P/E A 1/19/05 - 3/11/05 (Standing NEXT to him when he told her it was over.) DD 6.5 DS 13 months
Re: From FWS to all BSs: Input on apology to OMBS
Angi #1368146 05/04/05 04:14 PM
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graycloud Offline
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This onion keeps peeling.

So do I have this right: you had an A, you ended it, OM died, then OMW found out about the affair?

You should find some other way to make amends.

GC
Re: From FWS to all BSs: Input on apology to OMBS
worthatry #1368147 05/05/05 04:48 AM
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Orchid Offline
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IMHO, any notification to the OM's W at this point is not heathly for her. It c/b releasing some harbored guilt for you but better that stay as one of the biproducts of the A with the Xws (that's you right?), than bring up the pain from her past which her H can't help her bring closure on. See it is the WS who must help the BS recover but since he is dead, that's not possible. So to make the BS pull herself through this shock and recovery all over again c/b well more than she should or could handle. What if your actions caused her not just more pain but more permanent damage?

Better to keep this one with you.

L.
Re: From FWS to all BSs: Input on apology to OMBS
Orchid #1368148 05/05/05 07:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2005
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Ahuman Offline OP
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Thanks for all of your insights!!

Your comments have helped me to put this issue (always tugging at the back of my mind) to rest. I can now let it go without feeling like I am letting her down somehow.

I will not apologize to her (primarily for 2 reasons):

1. An apology minimizes the transgression. Implying somehow that my words could really do anything to heal the wounds that have been caused, which they cannot. (Bob Pure put it well above).

2. An apology risks causing more pain, which is definitely NOT in line with my objective.

Thanks again.

Ahuman FWW (35)
BH-a really great human! (39)
Married 1995
As 1998, 2001
D-day 4/2004

In recovery....
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