Ron - I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. Lately I have not heard anything from you and thought things were going well.

My sympathies and prayers are with you and your family.

Ahhh, Believer...

My support when I rejoined the MB "fold" and recommitted myself to the principles here back in July '04. Yes, it has been some time. Found myself posting less frequently, BUT gleening much wisdom from the posts of others after the immediacy of D-day wore off and NC (at least as much of it as I could get) went into effect.

I suppose some would say that wife (I'll not use the acronym WW or FWW out of respect) and I were in "recovery", and dealing with the myriad of "issues" attendant with any infidelity..."rollercoaster ride" DOES NOT do the process justice! Unfortunately, I'll never know if we would have been successful. We ran out of time. I'd like to think that I could have won back her love; but, truth be told, there we so many issues. Counseling (both individual and couple) was frustrating for everyone concerned, including the counselors.

For myself, as if I wasn't still reeling, I now get to grieve alone for both what I lost and what I so desperately wanted back. Talk about "conflict"...my heart doesn't know whether to be angry or sad. Most times it's both at the same time!!!

Ron's story for those not familiar...http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Ron - I can't imagine how excruciating the pain must be. I am so sorry. Your story takes the MB board to a new level.

At least for me, I knew that my husband moved on without me. I was able to grieve that, and now am much better.

I always had the feeling that your wife loved you very much, but was very mixed up. I hope others here learn from your story. Life is very fragile.

I hope you will keep posting here. This is one of the only places where others know some of what you are going through.

ooh RON ....

I am so sorry for your loss....

no words.... Pep

Well Believer,

I've wanted to start an "update thread" re. all that's occurred over the last 11 months. I guess this is it.

As far as "Your story takes the MB board to a new level"...well I don't know about that. Don't know what I might be able to contribute, but am certainly bound to this board now (more than ever) for as long as God allows.

Unfortunately, as LemonMan alluded to here...http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2694409...my wife not only risked our marriage, but her life, and subsequently mine for whatever need she had.

It's all a very sad epitaph for 33 years (well we almost made it to the 33rd anniversay) of marriage.

Ron - So have you got tested?

YES...but must repeat every 6 months for who knows how long (shrug). It is a spectre that I'd rather not consider.

It's one thing to be betrayed and subsequently totally emasculated. It's quite another to also be handed a death sentence by the very ones we hold closest in our hearts. I wish more "wayward"/"potentially wayward" persons understood this!

Ron - I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself.

You have been here long enough to see that it is very unusual for the WS to use protection, or even consider the hazard. They are so much into their fantasy that they ignore reality. That is the scary thing about all of this.

But anyway, please bring us up to date on what else happened the last 11 months. I'm so sorry I didn't see your earlier posts.

I hope you are also continuing IC - you are in an extremely tough position.

"please bring us up to date on what else happened the last 11 months"...Well, that's a project for this evening. Not easy to compress soooooo much into a manageable post. I'll do my best in the hopes that others my learn something from the experience.

Ron I am so sorry.
GC

Sounds good, Ron. See you later tonight.

Well Believer,

Let's start this way..."what we 'see' depends on two things: what we are looking at, and who is doing the looking". With that caveat stated, this is my perception of the past 11 months.

Hard to summarize 11 months of the "rollercoaster ride" we all know as marital recovery. Like everyone else here, we had good days and bad. Thanks to the efforts of friend WAT (and his guide to recovery) and my personal inspiration b0b pure* (whose sitch somewhat parallelled my own) and so many others, I "Plan A'd" my a$$ off.

Although my wife claimed to have decided to stay (as opposed to pursue divorce and subsequent remarriage) based on some "divine message"she received; in actuality, the OM got cold feet (timing wasn't right for him to pursue his divorce for what he claimed were financial reasons). Yea right! He finally showed his true colors, he just wanted something on the side two days a week.

No matter, she was here with me and I didn't have to try a long distance Plan "A" (or ultimately a Plan "B"). All MB tactics were brought into play...Emotional Needs questionaire done every couple weeks (to check progress - mostly mine), emotional needs being met, quality time together (15+ hourse/week), vacations together, etc. Lot's of reading...HNHN, SAA, Torn Assunder, (and my personal favorite) Not Just Friends. We would read sections together and then discuss our "perceptions" of the material. Interestingly, frequently my "take" on the material was substantially different then her's (shrug). Lots of R talk. Any A talk was timed VERY carefully so a not to impede any progress that was being made. Slowly she/we were gaining an understanding of what infidelity had done to us individually and to our marriage. Unfortunately, NC was one concept that eluded my wife. For one reason or another the concept of NC did not "sink in" until after our last joint counseling session in late March. Up until then, there were always little notes or phone calls (innocent as they may have been) for a birthday, or a holiday, or just a simple "how's it going". She never saw that as disrespectful.

Although she consistently maintained that she had "told Ron everything", her "everything" let a good bit to be desired. I'll spare the details, in favor of an analogy...like comparing a simple traffic accident to a 5 car pile up. Her "everything" simply did the actual events no justice. Of course, everytime there was more disclosure from her (or another OMw contacted me, or some undisclosed individual sent me compromising photographs of her [ouch]), there was more pain. But, we soldiered on. Only occasionally was I reminded that "this" (rebuilding our marriage) was "my idea". You see, she could not imagine why I would want to rebuild with her, or how I could possibly forgive her for what she had done, let alone love her as I constantly claimed. She just didn't "get" it. According to those close enough to my wife to have her confidence, the "spark" was returning. Personally, I never worried about the "spark". My view was/is to "act as if I had already attained that which I wanted". I "wanted" a successful marriage, so I acted that way. Now as we all know (or we should), marriage takes work everyday, so I gladly did the work. I like to think that I was achieving some success.

In the end, both of us viewed our efforts as FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN EACH DAY a la "50 First Dates". My wife flattered me by comparing my "tenacity" (as she called it) with that of the hero in the movie. I doubt I was as noble as that hero, but I appreciated the thought!

As I stated before...I/WE RAN OUT OF TIME. I'll never really know...

b0b pure* probably sums it up best - "this infidelity is some nasty $h!t

Let me leave everyone with this thought...

"Forgiveness is the accomplishment of mastery over a wound. It is the process in which a person first fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that has nearly dstroyed them. Forgiving is also a gift given to the self (which releases) an injured person from the burdens and shackles of hate. Forgiveness is the ultimate liberator. It is for those people who are willing to confront their pain, accept themselves as permanently changed, and make difficult choices."

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be devastating to have come so far down the path of recovery to lose your W now. Hugs to you and your family.

Ron, I wonder sometimes why some people have so much sadness thrust into their lives? I'm so sorry for your loss. TT

Ron, let me quote YOU to yourself on my old 'each of us is alone' thread :


You've had it rough, mate. Time to make new great memories, and bury the old ones with your wife along with her choices....

{{{{ron}}}}

BP,

Oh how well I remember that thread..."I have been duping myself...we do not interlock in any committed, srious way, like jigsaw pieces with any other human. We rub along, side by side, but we do not interlock."...such a revelation. Such truth!

I too believed that spouses should interlock. And, like you, when I realized the folly of my (our) assumption it caused great angst. The prospect of "aloneness" chilled me then just as it chills me now. ALONE...such a damn frightening word.

Unfortunately, I'm all too familiar with the "existential moan" God knows how familiar I am with that!!!

Bob, I wish you and your "squid" only the best. Please DO NOT EVER believe "this" is a waste of time. You, of all people, can pull this off. Not surprisingly, BSs need a "champion" (for lack of a better word), and you may be it. Continue to be the inspiration for so many...

Ron

Shell, TT:

I believe that "recovery" is one of those situations where it's not the "end that justifies the means, but rather the opposite... THE MEANS THAT JUSTIFIES THE END. It's the journey that holds the importance.

Sometimes our labors bear fruit and sometimes they don't. In the end it's all in the journey...

Ron -

Thanks for giving us your story. You can be proud of your behavior.

I believe our labors always bear fruit, but it may not be the fruit we desired.

After D-day, I worked on changing myself. For months and months, nothing in my life seemed to go right. But after 2 years, I'm a completely different person. Like you, I was terrified of being alone. But I grew to enjoy it.

There is a good book you might want to pick up. It is called the Grief Recovery book. It helps you deal with your grief. I gave it to a good friend at work when he lost his wife of 35 years.

By the way, he ended up married again within 6 months. YIKES!

[color:"blue"] Ron

.... this is simply amazing.[/color]

Blessings

Pep