wife had year long affair. Refused to discuss the details of affair and became very distant and cold after first couple weeks. Marriage has went steadily down hill. We're still living together and have a three year old daughter. She still works with the OM and refuses to talk about contact she may or may not have. We've been in counseling since the beginning with no real progress. We're going to Retrovaille (a marriage retreat) next weekend, but my wife really isn't putting much into recovery. She says she loves me, but she's not sure it's the right kind of love. She's not sure she wants to stay married, and doesn't think she needs to change. We took the emotional needs questionaire and I guess I don't fill to many of her needs. Since she doesn't think I will be able to change or get over her affair, she just doesn't want to prolong the end. I have to agree, we're both miserable.

I'm not completely over the affair and she doesn't like how it's changed me.

When do you know it's time to throw in the towel and move on?

The Harley concepts are wonderful tools for anyone wishing to improve upon the quality of their marriage. It doesn't necessarily always take two to put the concepts into action.

You have to WANT to save your marriage enough to do the work. You still have an ounce of hope for your marriage or you wouldn't be posting here.

It sounds like you have done some reading but have not fully put the concepts to practice.

Your W is still in contact with OM therefore, you can assume the A is still alive and well. She refuses to divulge important information to you which in turn dwindles your trust and love for her.

Have you exposed the affair?
Have you attempted Plan A?
Have you eliminated LB's
Have you attempted to meet her EN's as much as is reasonable during the affair?
Have you insisted on her having no contact with OM, to include a written letter and job change?
In light of all of the above reaping no rewards, have you attempted Plan B?

It sounds like you are at the Plan B stage now. From what little you posted, it seems that you have little or no love left for your W.

Plan B is where you remove yourself from your wife and her actions which are causing you so much pain. You 'choose' to have no contact with her whatsoever until she agrees to permanent no contact with OM and agrees to make an assertive effort to work with you on the quality of the marriage.

The folks on GQ II are pretty knowledgeable about this stuff. It might serve you better to post there also.

My husband of 19 years in concidering divorce. We have been seperated because of work for the past 2 years. I had an affair but realized too late that I was totally wrong in what i was doing. I told him about it and have done all the things he has asked of me. Scared of a life without a man that I love so very much, It has been a month since I told him. He is angry. We have two grown children and a little one. Dont know what to do. Dont want to hurt him anymore. Any advice would be great.

SoSorryGreen,

Welcome to MB. Sunday's are extremely slow traffic wise so don't worry if you don't get any replies. I'd like to suggest that you consider going a little downward and post your entire story on the Infidelity General Questions II forum which has more people in it.

One month after d-day [discovery day] is too early and the knee jerk reaction of many of us BS [betrayed spouses] is to seek a divorce. Now I don't want to get your hopes up but the vast majority of us BS don't proceed with divorce because there is still plenty of love for our WS [wayward spouse]. The best advice I can give you is to get ahold of Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs', as well as Michelle Weiner-Davis's book 'Divorce Busting' and 'Divorce Remedy' and Dave Carder's excellent book 'Torn Asunder'.

You are not alone, we are here for you.

TMCM

My husband of 8 years just had an affair with a w he worked for. I am devistated. He says the last day of their secret romatic get away he wouldn't have sex with her ( Real reason I am not believing him) When he returned the next day for work she fired him. I know if she hadn't it would have took me longer to figure it out. He says he is sorry and that he loved me and didn't want to hurt me yet after the first time they had sex in her office they planned the get away. He says he thought about me. I don't believe a word he says. If he thought about me then why did he call her 69 times in two weeks. I was lied to and decieved everyone says kick him to the curb but I am making him suffer first. I am determined to get this woman fired. She works for the local Abuse Prevention Council. huh who would have an confidence in that place if they let her continue to work there. This happen a almost 3 weeks ago and everyday something new comes in and kicks me in the face. How can you ever trust anyone like this. I understand that your w is still around the om and this does make it worse for you . YOU are innocent don't punish yourself for what she did. Demand she stop seeing him and what ever else you need to do to fix this. If you love her and can forgive her I admire you very much. But don't keep letting her kick you in the face by being around the OM you deserve more than that. LSS