This is my first post, still new with all of the abbreviations.
Over the past year a co worker and I have apparently been flirting. I say apparantly b/c I just thought of it as me just reading too much into things. Small things, bumps, touches, laughs.
This past weekend, while on a business trip (group of 3), the flirting became more obvious - legs touching each others under the table. Once it became obvious tht it was mutual - it seemed to stop. We are both happily married with children. That night I confronted the situation and asked are we just agreeing that this is way too complicated to go on?
We had a great candid discussion. we admitted that we had attractions ofr each other but that neither of us were willing to risk our families or marriages. We agreed that there was no such thing as innocent sex on the side. We felt that we had not done anything wrong yet, but that it could have become much worse.
We work quite close to each other, we want to remain friends. We do not think that we should tell our spouses as it seems like we'd be saying that we've had an affair but we didn't. We are trying to do the right thing.
We know that we should talk to someone else but are fearful that we would have to lie to our spouses in order to seek out counscelling. This seems so weird. We're are trying to do the right thing but finding it very difficult. Both of us have committed to seeking intimacy in our spouses not from each other. Can we still be friends? When is the line crossed? Suggestions?

You and this woman should avoid each other, and you should think about your boundaries. What are they? If you don't know, figure it out. Here's some advice:

Don't ever say anything to a woman that you wouldn't say with your wife standing there.

Don't ever do anything with a woman that you wouldn't do with your wife standing there.

Don't ever discuss your marriage with a woman who is not your wife.

Think of some more. They aren't hard to figure out, and they aren't hard to stick to. Don't flirt with those boundaries. It might be a turn-on to straddle them now and then, but it isn't worth it.

Men and women still haven't figured out how to share the workplace without attacking each other.

I think you should tell your wife about this experience.

GC

Actually, I think you already crossed the line when you admitted to each other that there was an attraction. Instead, you should have told a trusted male friend, or your wife. Please go and confess this to her now so that the two of you can work through this together. Be brave.

I also think you are going to need to make some changes to your work situation so that you are no longer working so closely anymore, and you will need to share this plan with your wife.

My prayers are with you.

Have to lie?

No, you don't have to lie. Your marriage is in a bad place. You need to be honest with your wife.

Susan

Personally, I do not believe that I will walk through this life as a married woman NEVER finding my self attracted to another man. I think it is absurd to expect that of me or, quite frankly, the man I married. It's what you DO with those feelings of attraction that is important.

If your marriage is as solid as you say it it, I think you should be able to discuss your attraction to another woman with your wife, AND she should listen and try to understand what you're saying to her. None of us is immune to attraction to other people, no matter how good our marriage is. That is my belief.

My husband has told me occasionally about a co-worker who he thinks is 'pursuing' him. We've had quite honest discussions abou this. He has also told me about a female co-worker who he found to be quite attractive, and the feeling was mutual. She was married, with children, and they just found some kind of 'connection' with each other. Neither of them ever acted on it, valuing their marriages too much.

Personally, I would advise to talk to your wife about this incident, be honest about it but reassure her how much you love her, value her, and you marriage and family. Tell her you would never do anything to jeopardaize your relationship and family, and want to be able to talk about these kinds of things openly with her.

It's the relationships you DON'T talk about that are dangerous. The secrets and lies.

BE is right... for you, or your wife, to expect the other to never be attracted to somebody else... that's fairy tale stuff. It's childish, and that sort of expectation is bad for your marriage. It forces the two of you to maintain a fiction in your relationship.

You should be able to tell your wife about this. You should have told her instead of discussing it with your almost-OW. You have shared something with this woman, and your wife has the right to know about it.

GC

Kingston,
Please tell your wife...and leave this woman alone. No frienship is worth the price you might pay.

My H's affair started the same way. He and another coworker were attracted to each other...and they told each other this. He also told her that he loved and respected me too much to do anything...well, guess what? That didn't happen. He thought he could handle the flirting and friendship.
You need to read the book Not Just Friends, by Shriley Glass...It is marvelous..and you might see some very stiking similarities to your story.
I only wish my H would have come to me when the OW admitted her feelings to him...instead he valued that friendship over telling me the truth..please do not do the same.

True

Thank you so much for your advice. To be honest, I thought that I was going to be blasted and ridiculed. That certainly hasn't happened. Thank you.

GC and BE are right, going through life without being attracted to others is for fairy tales. However, I can now attest that such attractions should never be spoken to the object of that affection. Now instead of just wishful thinking (which is bad enough) now it is decision time. What only existed in fantasy could very easily occur. While we both agree that we do not want anything to happen, we both know in our heads that it would only take moment of misjudgement, an opportunity, or a change of mind to lead us into a physical relationship. Not knowing that the attraction was reciprocal was a lot safer and was a lot easier issue to deal with. We are not in love. We are infatuated with a false ideal of the other person. Some weaknesses in our own marriage caused us to look elsewhere. Will the infatuation cease? Over time I think it will.
I agree that I need to tell my wife. I don't know what will happen. I know that she will be deeply hurt but hopefully will see that my thoughts never turned to actions. It would be a lot easier to admit that I was simply attracted - the mutual attraction part will cause her some resentment. Obviously, the girl in question is very worried about my wife's reaction as they have been friends for years.
I have to admit that I was totally unprepared for the rapid descent into an almost affair that I experienced. My wife and I were virgins when we married (almost unheard of supposedly). I never acted on any other attractions until my wife. Then, 13 years later, to be desired by someone else was nearly intoxicating. I have no doubt that it was by God's grace that neither of us acted on our attractions. One phrase here, one touch there and it could have ended very badly.
I have to admit that I was very afraid that people would demand that I sever all ties with my co-worker. I am sure that there are still some readers who believe that I must. However, if we had not admitted our attractions, this week would be the same as last week. Neither one of us would have been the wiser and we would have carried on like we have for the past 6 years.
Admitting our attractions was not done in a seductive way. It was done as..I am getting some signals here that we need to talk about. Yes, I am attracted to you but this is not going to happen. We are trying to be responsible and do the right thing. We are intentionally distancing ourselves from each other because we do not want to tempt each other or feed the others' fantasies. We will only be in the same building for the next 7 weeks and then we will be apart for 2 months, with a great chance that I will be promoted to a different location in the same city.
Ultimately, I suppose, it will be my wife's decision if I am able to continue to work with this co-worker. Anything else would be selfish.
Any more advise would certainly be appreciated.
K

True,
Clearly you offer the perspective that I need to hear from. In some ways I too feel like I can handle the friendship (we have both agreed to stop any flirting). In others ways I fear that I will end up just like your husband. Right now I don't see the opprotunities / temptations presenting themselves as we do not spend any alone time together and never see each other outside of work. However, it's amazing what lust can do.
Anyways, my question to you is: How would you have reacted if your husband had told you earlier? What would have been your feelings towards the coworker?
I will look into Glass' book - I read excerpts the other night online.
K

Kingston,

Please read this link: Emotional infidelity in the workplace. This article also contains some extractions from Shirley Glass’s book and guidelines on how to keep healthy boundaries with the opposite sex – especially with co-workers.
If there is anything about the opposite sex friendship that is not 100% exposed to the spouse...the line has been crossed, especially if the growing “friendship” or growing attraction, flirting etc. is kept secret from the spouse. If ANY husband or wife finds him/her self editing the truth and keeping facts about their life from their spouse (no matter how small or insignificant)...the line has been crossed. One must be aware when they are beginning to leave their spouse out of the loop as far as what things they feel for, say to and/or do with the opposite sex friend.
Kingston, although you haven’t yet acted on your attraction toward this woman and although the involvement hasn’t yet progressed to a serious level, the fact that both you and this woman admitted your attractions to each other, makes a continuous friendship with this woman very dangerous and a definite risk to your M. I know what I’m talking about because I have been there and done that (read my signature and link in my “Bio” line). If you value your M, you need to avoid this woman where possible and stay away from her as far as you can. Don’t encourage a friendship with her and keep your distance from her... If you are compelled to interact with her due to circumstances or work-related reasons, keep it cool, professional and short and to the point.

Kingston, what I’m saying might sound too extreme for your situation, but believe me, this is the best way to go... I think as someone who has been in a similar situation, I know what I’m talking about... Remember, betrayal starts in the thoughts and feelings...and it's the thoughs & feelings that lead to actions if temptation continuous. Even people with the best & purest morals and intentions can fall… Don’t tempt the devil and put yourself in any situation where you might get tempted. Remember, although you and the woman have agreed to stop flirting and to put some boundaries in place, both of you obviously still feel attracted to each other and it will not be safe & healthy to continue a friendship with her.

IMO, once the boundary of inapproriate feelings/attractions has been crossed, there is no turning back.

Hope this could help, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Suzet

kingston - congrats on asking your question before you had to start asking additional questions. As always, we presume posters are telling the truth.

At its basic definition, infidelity is a betrayal of trust. If you betrayed the trust of your wife, you have committed infidelity in its most literal meaning. There's petty theft and there's larceny. Both are stealing. The intent was there.

Shooting somebody with the intent to kill is seen as different than shooting somebody with the intent to only harm. Of course, the shooter will ususally make the "harm" claim when unsuccessful in the killing.

Here's my question to you: what was your intent with your flirting and physical contact with this woman?

In the meantime, from a practical standpoint, do not take any more business trips with this person.