I quit smoking on the first of April. I bought a nicotine inhaler to help me through the process. I promised my H that if we made that investment, I would not buy another pack of cigarettes (the inhaler costs $150, which was a strain on our family budget).

I went three weeks without smoking. I started sneaking cigarettes from folks on the street, or at our apartment complex. I went from none a day to one or two. That lasted about two weeks, and then three days ago I broke. I bought a pack of cigarettes. I kept them hidden from my H, because I knew he'd be angry with me for breaking my promise - which is no excuse, but the truth is that I lied to him about it.

He found that pack of smokes this morning. Now he's saying that if I'll lie to him about something so small and insignificant, I'll lie to him about other things.

I see his point.

I am not lying about anything else. I was avoiding conflict by hiding the cigarettes in the first place, which, I should know by now only causes more conflict when the lie is exposed.

So now I've done it, he's very angry and we're not speaking.

We've been through multiple affairs on both sides, the trust in our relationship is not very solid to begin with. I feel awful.

I have been trying really hard to meet his EN's, but have failed miserably this morning.

Can anyone help me sooth him?

I know I am weak, I know that my addiction has now made me a worthless liar in his eyes and I can't stand myself for it.

I failed, and in that failure I have also disappointed and hurt my H.

I don't know what to say to him, or do for him, that will help him feel like he can still trust me even though I kept the cigarettes from him.

I've been scolding myself since I bought them, I knew I was wrong to begin with. I don't understand why I couldn't just tell him I'd blown it, and now I've really screwed things up.

2x4? Anything? Please?

Tell him he is right, and the next time you feel like a smoke, go to him first and tell him.

Do this everytime.

Be transparent with this.

I'll bet that eventually, if you have to tell him or call him when you feel that way, you'll no longer want to smoke.

You get two benefits out of this course of action. You demonstrate honesty, and you get an accountability partner.

HTH,

T

why did you lie?

here is my guess

so you would not look bad in his eyes

so you could pretend you were not who you are

a smoker

go read my Let's be ~real~ thread ....

conflict avoidance is a fancy word for lying

.... this is NOT a 2X4

it's a "Howdy-girl, wake up and smell your own stank!"

As Dr. Phil says, "We cannot fix what we won't admit."

Good for you for admitting you are a liar... now find out why you are a liar.... it's not that bad to look at ourselves and tell ourselves the truth ... just try it.

Pep

You should be congratulated on even trying to stop smoking. It is an addiction and I'm sooooooo glad I never started. It's difficult to stop. A lot of people don't do the first, second or anytime. The more support you have the better. It's not something you can do alone.

The breakeven point for your inhaler is around 50 packs of cigs. (I think a pack is about $3 where I live.) If you smoked a pack a day, then you were about half way to making the expense of your cigarettes=the price of the inhaler.

I suggest you and H sit down and do the math together. When you see how much money you will save in the long run when you stop, it will be a massive amount of money. At a pack/day @ $3/pack that would be over $1000 for one year! When you look at it that way, it makes a lot of sense for him to support you in stopping. I like the idea of you telling him everytime you need a cig. Openness and honest and he can see just how hard it is to stop!

Good luck!

A victim No Longer:
My wife has lied post D-day about this very thing.

And to me it is NOT a Small thing (but I will agree with the stupid part).

What it does show to me, is that she is continuing her "ways" (that being, she will lie if SHE "feels" in her mind, the reason is valid enough).

Despite her constant voicing to the contrary.

Her ACTIONS are "showing" me where she really is (even if she's in denial herself).

And even if she's really not a complete liar anymore, ALL I Have to Go on are her Actions.

(Because I've learned the hard way, as have most of us....that people can "say" anything)!

The shame of it is, she's smoked the entire time we've been together.

So would I have been disappointed if she gave in and went back too it??
Of course, but at least I would have felt GOOD that I could Trust her.

Now, she's smoking again .......but she's trying to destroy her own credibility. WTH!!

As for you:
Not much you can do, except realize your pretty much back to near day one ....and you've squandered All the hard work you've done since.

Sure you can earn it back, but what a lot of wasted time and effort .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So was avoiding the conflict worth it?
(Cause sure seems like your in some now).

If you've learned something, then I guess its not all a loss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I would have to agree with top rope that you are back to square one with the quitting. That's a terrible place to be because now you have to start ALL OVER! You have to make up your mind again, make a plan, etc. IT IS SO HARD!

I used to chew. (Yes, I'm a girl!) It took me forever to finally do something about quitting. I wanted to for soooo long but as you know it is easy to want to, difficult to do it. One day it just happened. I quit. I did so good all day and couldn't wait to tell my H when he got home from work. And as soon as I did, I had a chew. Next day, same thing. Third day, I almost did it again and instead gave away my can. And I never chewed again.

To this day I tell anyone hearing this story that the ONLY thing that kept me from going back to it was this:
I NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS WANT TO GO THROUGH THOSE FIRST FEW DAYS/WEEKS AGAIN. That is what I had to do to remind me that if I caved in, this would be like every other attempt.

I think the above idea about an accountability partner would be a very good idea. You may get some pats on the back, and be honest at the same time.

I am rooting for you-I know how hard it is. Don't give up.

P.S. I have now been tobacco free for 14 years! (And I still remember quitting very vividly).

toprope,

I may be mistaken, but I think you are referring to her efforts at rebuilding her H's level of trust in her. Even if you are referring to her smoking addiction how can a failed effort ever be considered a waste?

AVNL,

I suggest you get back on the horse and try again. You lied, you know you were wrong, suck it up and try again. Don't ever consider your efforts to rebuild your marriage a waste of time.

Regarding the smoking, I like the idea of an accountability partner. This works well for ANY addiction. Find someone who is willing to take on this role for you. Maybe your H would be open to it. This might be a way of re-establishing trust also. When you feel the urge to cave to your addiction, call your AP.

Good Luck.

Thank you for all of the responses.

I spoke with my H and we've ironed it out. He suggested the same thing as many of you: that he be my accountability partner and whenever I felt the need to smoke to call him, or talk to him and he would do his best to talk me down.

Pepper: I lied because I was so disappointed in my own weakness, I did not want to face the inevitable disappointment I would see in my H's eyes. I did not want my H to see my weakness or the power of my addiction. I am a liar because I don't want others to see the ugliness in me. That's another seperate issue best dealt with in the presence of a good therapist (which I can't afford, so I will have to settle for self-therapy). I have a tendency to be extremely judgemental, I'm working on it, but inside I know that if others were as judgemental of me I would surely be seen as a horrible, ugly person. Can't even live up to my own standards.

Top rope: I hear you and see your point. Your perspective and disgust is a good thing for me to hear, because I'm hearing the same thing from my H. Radical honesty- that's what we're after and that's what I destroyed. And you're right, it may seem small to me, but obviously my H doesn't feel the same way and for me to make light of it is making light of our relationship and his feelings.

As for the smoking, I am going to start my quit again tomorrow, and be more honest with my H about my ugly weaknesses.

If you are not ~real~ with yourself and with others, then how can you ever be loved and accepted for the ~real~ you?

All of us have lied, and usually it's for a not-so-good reason. You are not better or worse than any of us. Welcome to the never-wil-be-perfect club!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Be yourself ... it's just easier to remember and keep track of the truth donchaknow ! ~LOL~

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

PLUS ... if you never accept your weakness, how can you ask for the proper help?

YOU are gonna be much better off now ... a little lesson in life for you ... keep it real.

God bless

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Boy do I ever know about how hard quitting smoking is.

There is a great support site with the best info I have read on nicotine addiction, and especially withdrawing from called whyquit.com. Check it out especially the article on the time lapse phenomenon smokers experience with the cravings when quitting.

For me I quit cold turkey and the above site frowns on NRT's but the info is the best. They have a support group there however I think you must be off of the NRT's before you can join. When you get that far or want to give it a go without the inhaler I suggest joining. I did not, however I started smoking again too. So next time I will.

One thing I would like to add to the others, especially Peps post about the lieing part. You are quitting for YOU, not your husband. He is there to support you, because this is for you, not him. You have no reason to lie, if you slip up it is not for him to judge you, it is for him to offer support so you get right back on that wagon.

Remember that, this is for YOU. You have no need to lie.

You know cinnamin gum and beef jerky really helped me get through the cravings for some reason. Also carrots and celery sticks. And celery sticks happen to have the added benefit of burning more calories than you consume when you eat them, because your stomach has to work so hard to digest them. Isn't that cool?

You go girl!!!!! You can do this!

Weaver, you are so right!! I will check out that website, and though I'm still smoking today, I plan to quit again over the weekend. I will continue to try, over and over again, until I finally get it right. It took me fifteen years to learn how to smoke a pack a day, it may take many years for me to unlearn. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and I shouldn't lie to my H, because just like you said I quit for me, not for him.

I have lots of cinnamon gum, lollipops, mints....but haven't yet tried beef jerky or celery.....but I like the idea of burning more calories than I eat. So, thanks!

Pepper, I appreciate the slap in the face...I needed a wake-up call. Got to be real. Funny about quitting smoking, when you don't have the crutch of the cigarette anymore you become an emotional wreck. All of a sudden you have to deal with all of the issues you'd been stuffing down with nicotine. I realize that I twist myself into a pretzel to please people and then get upset when I can't make them happy. Learning that I can never make anyone happy is a hard lesson. Being myself is also difficult, because I don't feel I know who I am.

H and I are not getting along very well this week. The more I try to meet his EN's the more he complains about "not feeling the love". Don't know what's going on with him, or us. Hopefully it's just Spring time fever, and we'll be over it soon.

I wish I could get him to comminicate effectively with me, as soon as we start talking to eachother it becomes war of the words. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I love him to death.....wish he was happier, you know?

Thanks for the support, guys.

Hugs,
AVNL