The edit: After I wrote this, Realtor responded and wondered what you men might this of this. Alas, no posts. What do you think guys? Are women cafeteria parents too? Is it the hallmark of a WS? Speak-a to me....gg


I know it's not officially Plan B without the letter but I'm feeling like I'm already there.

It's has been almost 2 weeks since seen or talked to my WH. No emails. No calls. I've had a handful of text messages but they don't count for much. This is the longest we've gotten without contact in well over 20 years. That's a long time.

I've been feeling a lot of peace in the last week. I can see why people go into Plan B. There's a marvelous space and quietness about it. It's like the rollercoaster is out-of-service for awhile. I'm also sure that once we have contact again, I'll be up and down and up and down, ad nauseum.

I've done a lot of thinking in this period of calmness. I've been moving ahead, breaking through some of the barriers. Some days, I've felt paralyzed and unable to function. Like there was a membrane I was up against but couldn't bring myself to break through. I've done a lot more gardening and cleaning in the past week than I've done for months. I've thought about the conditions that would have to happen to make my M work.

I've come to think that WH is doing all he is capable of. It's the blood from a turnip scenario. Maybe that's why he's having such problems with OW now. Perhaps she wants more and he can't give it. (I don't know and not sure if I care.) He seems to give everything at work and doesn't have much left for anybody else.

For one thing, WH will not initiate anything. It will be a big day if he ever does. He has not called, has not emailed. However, I know that if I call, he'll talk to me. If I say, let's meet for dinner, he'll meet for dinner. If one of the kids calls and asks for something, he will more than likely do it. Of course, nobody is calling him now. He doesn't even know that his son was accepted into the college he really wanted to go to. I asked WH to call but he never did. It seems to be information that should be give more personally. DS won't volunteer it and I'm not forcing him.

I've also come to realize that my WH may only be capable of being a "cafeteria parent". He picks and chooses how he wants to be involved with his kids. He chooses mostly from the dessert table. He can go to the State wrestling championships or take senior prom pictures. But he can't go to his daughter's school musical or even once come to watch her (admittedly miserable) basketball team play. It's the father-daughter dance but not the band awards. I think that that's all he can do. I'm so glad I'm there for the practices, the homework and all the million things kids want you around for. It's his loss but maybe he's doing the best he can do.

Is this what moving on feels like? Wondering if WH will have the balls to come sit with the family and friends at graduation in 3 weeks? And feelings like it would be better if he didn't. Such thoughts.

It has been awhile grape - glad to hear you are having peace right now. I think you have hit the nail on the head and it really opened my eyes. Like you said it is only what he is capable of doing. You are so right - I see that now - mine is only capable of so much and then he just does not see what to do even if someone hands him a set of plans. It seems they have been raised relationship illeteriate (sp) - funny huh ? Not really -like mine complains all the time that his son does not call him. Yet we have nation wide calling and he does not call him. I have said the kid is so busy you need to be the one that calls. When he does call he is so happy -- but why do I have to remind him to call ? I have stopped all of these reminders and now he does nothing. They set themselves up for their problems and complain the loudest. I would love to see responses from some of our men and see what they think/ or W's who have delt with this from their H and see how they handled them.

Come on guys, do you need to be reminded to call your kids? Do WS basically ignore their kids? Is just my WH?

It's Friday night, let's hear it........

Grape, I am not a guy but I do have some thoughts on this.

Mostly just that it is sad. Very, very sad. Your WH, if some kind of grace or providence doesn't get to him, will be a very sad and lonely man on his deathbed.

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING more important or which brings me such joy as my daughter.

I think Plan B is going to be to so good for you.

If I were you I would stick to your thought that he is giving as much as he is capable of giving. And yes I think it is a WS trait of sorts, but not all of it.

It's sad grape. Sometimes I think you should just accept that this is all he's got, and let go of it.

Take care grape, and I hope you have a good weekend and please TRY to quit trying to figure him out. It probably can't be done.

I don't think there are much WS gender differences on this point.

By definition, WSs are "ignoring" their kids because they are placing themselves above the whole family. Sure, some may actually believe what they're doing will be "better" for them in the long run - just like they know they'll be happier with OP.

I am proud of what I attempted to do for my son - preserve his family. No different from other BSs.