Me and my husband have been married for 4 years (we dated for 3). I didn't feel we had a communication problem we both share what we like and don't like almost all the time. There have been issues in the past where he has lied to me on a constant basis and still does every once in a while but not like he used to, he has had several internet flings when we were dating but those have not happened again and I've moved on from that. We both decided not to have children and have both taken permanent measures to make sure we don't have any. On the day of our anniversary in September 2004, he was surved with papers from the state saying that an old girlfriend was asking for paternity for an 8 year old child she says was his. He had told me when we were dating that he thought he might have a child out there but reassured me I never would have to worry because she didn't want him to have anything to do with the child, so I put it out of my mind at the time. Anyway, he got a paternity test done and the child is his. I was worried financially at first because my husband tends to be the type that can't be happy with a job long, in fact, during the week he went to court for the last time to find out how much we were going to have to pay, he lost one of the best jobs he's ever had because he missed too many days. The courts didn't mess with visitation, just the child support, and he said the if he had to pay child support his son was going to get to know him. About a month ago, he called his ex to see if he could see his child and she agreed. He went to their house on a Friday and stayed a few hours and he was so excited when he got home to tell me that when he walked in the door his son called him daddy and gave him a hug and wanted to play with him. The next week he goes over there on Wednesday and Friday, and the next week again on Wednesday and Friday and the next week the same. Then that Saturday he has his ex-girlfriend plan a cookout for me to come and meet the kids and her because he told her he thought I felt left out (because I told him I felt left out when he made decisions without me). So I go even though I wasn't thrilled about the whole thing and they are flirting with each other having literal play fights with each other and we're all sitting there and they're talking about how it used to be when they were together and his ex is bragging how she still has control over him now because he'll do anything his son asks and how she used to literally beat my husband up when they were together...it wasn't exactly a comfortable situation for me. We talked about that and he understood what he did was wrong. The next week, he visits Wednesday and Friday although he planned to go over that Saturday as well but only if his brother came down to visit which he didn't end up visiting. Then the next week (last week) he has the kids come to our house and spend the night and we agreed that every other weekend was fine. Because of the extra groceries we are having to buy when they come, we're having to sell cd's and movies and anything else we can think of just to get gas for him to go to work and to buy bread when the kids aren't here. He makes $277/week now with his new job and has to pay $105/week in child support because he won't go tell child support that he's making $2/hour less now with his new job than he was when he filled the original papers out because he's afraid to upset the ex-girlfriend and she might make it more difficult for him to see his child. Anyway, this past Sunday he dropped the kids off at her house and comes back home and calls her as soon as he gets in because he was having car trouble before he left, then he tells her all of these plans that he's made that I didn't know about...like he told her that he may be taking them again the next weekend to give her a good mother's day present (which we had already talked together and both agreed that we couldn't afford to keep them 2 weeks in a row), plus he was telling her that he was going to take them on some trip sponsered by his work which I hadn't heard about yet and other things I hadn't heard about yet, so when he gets off the phone, I told him that's what I meant by feeling left out because he had made all these plans and was telling her about them before he told me about them. So he gets mad saying I'm just too jealous and he asks for a divorce and I ask why and he says because he feels torn between me and her and his son, so I cry and after about 20 minutes of me bawling my eyes out he appologizes and says he's sorry that he didn't mean it and that he didn't want a divorce and that he really did love me a lot. So then the last three days have been pretty good. Then I asked him tonight what time he would be coming home tomorrow (cause he usually goes over there on Friday's around 3pm after work and usually comes home around 8 or 9) and he tells me around 9 or 10 and I asked which one and he says 10 or so and I tell him I'd really like it if he would be home by 10pm at the latelst and he gets upset and tells me that I'm putting a time limit on his son and that I don't understand the bond he has and I try to calm him down and tell him I'm not angry or anything and that I just would like to know when he's coming home and he gets mad and doesn't want to tell me a time. Then he says fine I'll just stay 2 hours over there and I'll come home to you if that'll make you happy (in a really sarcastic voice) and I'm like well I'm not asking you to cut down your time I'm just asking for a time you're coming home and he gets mad and goes to bed and I'm upset crying because I felt it was going so good the last few days and I mention one thing about when he's coming home from visiting his son and he goes haywire. So I tell him I don't want him going to bed mad and I asked what would make him happy and he said he really wanted to spend the night over there on Friday, and I'm thinking whoa so I asked if he just wanted me to let him spend the night and break our weekend plans alone and let him do what he wanted and he eventually says yes, so that's how we left it...he once again got what he wanted and I'm left heartbroken. Then I let things calm down a bit and ask if he's really going to spend the night over there and he says yeah. So I'm all tore up inside but I feel like I can't tell him I don't want him spending the night because he'll get upset again. Anyway, I treasure my time with my husband, so I got excited last weekend when the kids were here when he was telling me that this weekend was my weekend with him and he planned all these things for us to do. Then today he tells me all this that he's breaking our plans to stay with them for Friday night and it just tears me up inside. I try to exlain to him how I'm feeling but it's like now, it doesn't matter how I feel anymore, it always comes down to him and his son. I don't feel like I'm apart of his sons life. He's already told me that if I'm ever in the situation to have to scold his son for doing wrong and nobody is around that I'm not to scold him and that I should either tell him or the ex-girlfriend which I feel is seperating me from the bond he's expecting me to have. I feel he doesn't understand that his son is not my son so I can't just feel the closeness and bond that he does and I can't just let the child get away with whatever he wants because I love him. I feel if I were to scold the child for doing anything that is wrong that he'd say I was just punishing him because I didn't like him. I'm so torn in all this. I could write a book. How am I suppose to feel? He's done things that I've asked him not to do simply because his ex-girlfriend, her girlfriend or his son wanted him to do it. I feel so angry when he's done things like this and there have been several times this has happened since he's gone over there. I've tried to ask him to get the legal visitation papers done up so that he wouldn't be so scared of her (which he admited he was scared of her) but he said that it would probably just make her angry and then she'd make it harder for him to see his son and he would be afraid his son wouldn't understand. I just don't know. I have left out a lot but I have been neglected so many times during this whole situation and don't know how to feel. I've got his family members and my family members telling me he's doing wrong and I'm only hearing from him that I'm just jealous and being unreasonable and I don't understand their bond. I'm just so confused about it all. He's even got me convinced that maybe I do care too much and maybe I'm suppose to just let him go see his son whenever he wants and stay over there as long as he wants and go with them where ever he wants to go when he wants and not be angry or upset or sad when he's not around, but when he's home I'm suppose to be happy for him and be happy myself. Can you give me some kind of advice here. I'm so tired of crying and feeling so lonely. I just don't know how to feel or what I'm suppose to feel or if I am just jealous or if it's him...I just don't know. I can honestly say I'm not a jealous person at all...I mean I'm not the normal gal...I watch the dirty movies with my husband and enjoy them with him, I play the video games with him, I giggle and point out rediculous body parts on girls in public (you know, a girl walks by with a rediculous boob job or big booty and you wait until she gets out of ear shot you you just say "good lord did you see boobs on that girl?" and giggle)...I do that with my husband all the time and he loves that about me so I'm not a normally jealous person. I've got a million and one other things in between the lines that's happened here but this is the main parts...Please help me. How am I suppose to feel in this situation cause I'm so confused.
