Over the last couple of weeks my STBXW has been contacting me more and has been much friendlier. I have responded in kind, being friendly and even had lunch with her a few days ago at her request.

Now over the last few days she has asked me to be her gym partner and also wanted to see if I would be interested in going to a baseball game with her this Sunday.

It got to the point that I had to reevaluate what I was doing. I realized that maybe I had been too available for her and that she was "testing the waters" with me. I have no desire to get too deep into a relationship of any kind with her. So I was feeling guilty and kind of dreading it, but I knew I had to tell her to back off.

Well last night she went out of her way to go to her house, get a video game that the kids had left over there last weekend (they had been asking for it back), and drop it off at my place. It is very unlike her to go out of her way like that. I am always the one that has to go to HER house to take care of that kind of thing. It was obvious to me that she didn't want me to have an excuse to call or come by her house. So out of curiosity I called my spy and sure enough she has been spending the night off and on at someone else's house lately. What's really strange is that this new R (or an old one that she decided to take to the next level)coincides with when she started being more outgoing towards me.

This definitely makes the talk I need to have with her easier! But I was trying to figure out what her possible motivation was for this kind of behavior. The only thing I could figure is that she didn't want me to know that she was involved with someone so she has been throwing extra attention at me to keep me off track. Why would she even care at this point if I knew she was with someone?

I know, I know, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out a WS, because they're nuts. It does show me just how LONG a person can stay in the WS induced fog. I wonder if it lasts FOREVER with some people?

starman

Wow, I never really thought about it much, but I see similar behavior with my stbx. While it hasn't been that long for me, I've been moving on and have started healing, it's like with him, he's still working with the old relationship dynamics, if that makes any sense.

Starman,

Why? Because she is still in her fog.

So she isn't with the guy she cheated on you with right?

She starts being nice to you to see where you are right?

In the meantime she has struck up another cheating partner right?

Thats because she CANNOT be alone Star.

My EX did the same thing when the MOM left her to go home for a few weeks.

Suddenly it's "Do you mind if I come over and help in the yard?" or "Want to get a bite to eat?" or "Wanna go flea marketing?" or "Let's take the kids to the movies" or "Maybe 13 years deserves more effort and work?"

Then, BOOM, I can tell you the day MOM left his wife again. We didn't get a phone call for 4 days and when we did talk 4 days later I ask "Why would you let him back after all the things you said about our family and commitments?"(she didn't know I knew he left) you wanna know what the fog monster said? "Thats none of your business, I haven't talked to you about my private life for a long time"????????? Yeah, we hadn't talked about her private life in 4 DAYS....too funny

Anyway thats just an example of the BS that goes on in thier heads Star...She is cake-eating and keeping her options open because if you don't take her back (or she decides she doesn't want to come back) she has OM #2 waiting for her so she won't be alone....

I've noticed a lot of WS that DO NOT like being alone. As holy water is to a vampire, Alone is to a bunch of WS's...

Too much time for thinking, empty hours get their minds wandering, let's the guilt and shame in so they fill up their time with OM's and OW's and activities to keep the nagging in their skulls away. While continuing to re-write your history together so the guilt and shame stay far away.

Play it however you choose Starman but it seems to me if you don't want to D her you need to go dark and let the full impact of her decisions hit home.

Even if you want to D her go dark, Continued contact with the Alien will drive you nuts. You'll get a chance to heal some more without her butting in.

I know I've felt like a million bucks since I no longer have to worry or care what she does. And you will too.

RebornMan

RebornMan,

quote:
Too much time for thinking, empty hours get their minds wandering, let's the guilt and shame in so they fill up their time with OM's and OW's and activities to keep the nagging in their skulls away. While continuing to re-write your history together so the guilt and shame stay far away.


That is a PERFECT description of my stbx. The history revision used to really get to me. I would get angry and make sure she didn't forget the way it REALLY happened. As I have healed I find myself having more and more pity and much less anger towards her.

I can only imagine what it must be like to go from a home full of kids and all the great things they bring to your life to an empty apartment with nothing but the tv to keep you company day after day. Then knowing that it was your own decisions that brought you to where you are.

When this all first went down I hoped that she would end up just the way she has. She is the most miserable, unhappy person I know. Now I find myself genuinely wishing her some peace and happiness. Just not at the expense of me and the kids anymore.

Good post. Thanks RebornMan!

starman

I would STRONGLY agree with Reborn. He did a great job of describing the WW ( at least he does with my WW) and her motives and actions. When the WS starts their sojourn into the land of the undead, rarely do they recognize the amount of strength that is necessary to go to completion. It doesn't seem to matter how bad the M was, the actions of D are frequently overwhelming. That is why you see that the actions of the WS seem to stick in that halfway excrement that they so easily release but almost always refuse to clean up. They often enlist a "wiper" to get them past the most unpleasant of tasks. Then when it is completed the "wiper" is flushed away in an attempt to hide the uncleanable stink.

Funny but in their frantic efforts to perfume the smell, they rarely look to their own hands as the source of the foulness.