Well my story is basically textbook, everything in FIL/SIL and Love Busters described what has happened to us.

April 17th my wife moved out, I was away in Flordia while it happened. I took a cab straight to work from the airport, I emailed her to tell her I was back and glad to see her. She emailed back with a Dear John. I couldn't believe it, I knew things were getting bad and was thinking about it over the weekend while in flordia and had made the choice that we needed to do something, too little too late I guess.

She had been thinking about leaving for a while, but never told me. She said she felt so emotionally drained and that if she stayed her emotions woudl get in the way and she would cave. So she had to get out.

The problems we had were the same ones I have seen people write about on here; Not meeting emotional needs (hell I never knew what that meant till I found this site); Love Busters like selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and angry outbusrts. I never physically abused my wife, but I have learned that I was mentally abusing her. Not taking her opinions into account, trying to straighten her out, things like that. I wasn't as affectionate as she wanted, the only time I was was in bed. I had confused affection with sex, I was naive. I never quite knew what affection was growing up. My parents only talked to each other when they were fighting and yelling at each other. I remember telling myself I would never be like that. It scared me to death, and low and behold we became my parents. It's tragic. What kills me more is the only one who tried to help us was my wife. Non of our friends or family ever pulled us aside and gave me piece of their mind. Noone ever tried to help us and that hurts. But I know I can't blame them.

This all has been building because she was afraid to tell me how bad it really hurt. I had heard her say things like I wish you were affectionate in public with me, and didn't make it seem like I was a stranger to you. I heard those comments, but I never understood how deeply they hurt. I was plain out ignorant.

We met in August of 1997, we began talking via email and IM because she was still in Oklahoma. Feburary 13-14th she flew down to see me in San Antonio, we began dating after that. I would drive up to see her about 2x a month for a year. She decided to move down to San Antonio, away from her parents, and go to school with me. We finally got married Labor Day '03. You may ask why so long? I don't know, it just took a while. I was more than ready, I asked her about a year into the relationship I asked her if I asked her to marry me would she, she said yes. I was always committed to her and should have done it then, but didn't.

In reading thru emails dating from 1999, I see where we had problems. I would get angry for stupid reasons and think it was her fault, textbook stuff. The affection thing came up a bit as well. Reading thru I see the pattern, but I never knew the dept or scope of the problem or what it would snowball into. She was afraid to tell me because she thought I would leave her. So far from the truth but we just never got help.

Fast forward now to 2005, because she kept so much bottled in she now has lost love. The day she left I began trying to help myself learn what I was doing wrong. I found this site and began soaking in the info like a sponge. I bought the FIL/SIL and LB book as well, have HN/HN on order.

The first week of seperation was bad for me and her. her co-worker's husband shot himself while she was with him in the Dr's office. He was on AD's and they weren't working. My wife and he co-worker were close, so she took it hard. That week there was little talk about us and more about what she was doing to help out her co-worker. The next week I thought we would get some work done, but the warehouse mgr at the wife's work died of a heart attack, another guy's wife died of cancer, and another guy's ex wife shot herself. It was a bad week.

Last thursday we finally for the first time met and talked. I met her in a park and we had a picnic with wine and cheese and all that. We sat and talked like we havent done in ages. For 3hrs we talked. We talked about my behavior, how I was learning how to change it, how I never wanted to be the person I was. How I was unhappy with tht person but just felt I couldn't get over the hump to change nor did I know how. We talked about seeing a counselor. We talked about the future, about kids, finances, career. I felt like we were making some headway.

This monday I emailed her asking her about maybe having dinner and going bowling and talking. I had been sending her flowers, notes, cards and such since this happened. She avoided the question. Then a day or so later I asked her about maybe a church date, we haven't gone to church in a long time and it is important to her and frankly I need god in my life, especially now. She skirted the question.

We have been emailing back and forth since the seperation, sometimes causual talk but sometimes about us and her fears of getting back together and only ending up hear 4yrs later. I setup an appointment with a counselor yesterday, I asked if she wanted to go but she skirted. I asked why she was avoiding and she came back with a long email:

"But what scares me is that I feel no "romantic" love.....all the sweet things that you are doing, emailing, sending in the mail, are so great. And a year ago, it would have put me on cloud nine. But now, I just feel like, wow...that's really sweet. And nothing more. I think that our relationship had gotten so bad, that I fell totally out of love with you. I don't know if I can ever get that back. That is the part that can't be fixed by sending flowers, planning picnics, or going to couseling. That is something that my heart has to decide. I have tried to put myself and our situation in a great scenario that we get back together and things are great, but I can't picture ever getting that "feeling" back. I don't know why. Maybe I've been too hurt. Maybe its too late. Maybe my heart can never forget/forvgive all the stuff that has happened. I don't know.

I knew that this needed to take time to figure out, and I didn't want to tell you any of this stuff. But it's not fair to you to keep doing all these great things, and for me to not reciprocate. I know that the situation was reversed for a looooooooooooong time, but this is serious stuff. I don't want you to get your hopes up that this is going to work out, when right now, I still can't see myself in that situation.

I hate telling you all of this because I am so proud of you for all the "growing" that you are doing through all of this. I just can't let you continue when I don't feel the same way. I don't know if I ever will. I guess maybe we do need to get together again and talk in person some more. I don't know if you would be happy with me again. I am not the same person that I was. I do'nt know if we would be happy with each other because we would have to make such big changes, it would be the same people. I fell in love with you, not a person that is being re-created out of books. I don't know that I can be in love with that person."

Sorry it is so long, I just wanted to show the whole thing and not just my summary. There was more but that is the big piece.

She doesn't seem to think a counselor would help, when I went to see the counselor I sent her the email she sent me. She said that she has helped a lot of couples where one spouse felt exactly the same, and they worked thru. The big thing is that I can't pressure her to do anything, she has to want to go to counseling. That is the hardest part.

I am committed to change the person I was no matter what. I just pray that she doesn't give up hope. Thank you for letting me get this out.

Jared